New Year's Eve

As I sit here playing a rousing game of hand and foot and getting tipsy off my champagne, I want to wish you all the best of wishes and hopes for 2013.  For many reasons this year was amazing and for other reasons it was heartbreaking on it's own. I can't wait for this next year when our dream to build our family comes true. It's finally happening and I can honestly say you all made my journey much more bearable...so thank you! oxo

Christmas

Christmas was hard this year.  I can't wait til next year's. I think I was doing okay until my cousin's announced their sweet news of a new baby on Christmas Eve.  Not sure why I felt like the last person to know....my twinnie even knew...they told her at my niece's birthday.  And I did great during their announcement because I heard them say they wanted to make one (and I have been waiting for this to come, so it wasn't a surprise) and  I clapped and cheered with the rest of the family. But then my dad had to come over and rub my back and my Aunt (my cousin's mom) had to say something to me (guess they were worried about telling me) so of course I start tearing up.  It makes me feel once again like a rotten person. It sucks that people don't want to tell me their happy news.  I guess they are just being sensitive and in some way I can appreciate that. But it makes me sad.  Just like my twinnie not telling me right away about her second pregnancy.  It sucks to know that people aren't necessarily eager to share their news with me, just nervous. It's not that I am not happy for them, it's just hard.  They had to try for a few months for their first daughter and now she is 2.5.  It just feels like another one of those "oh yeah" reminders to myself that we were trying then too....and had been for a while. The cool thing is..it's a boy! So now our family will have at least two little boys running around all these girls.

 On top of everything else I was already feeling, Santa brought me an instant migraine so this was my first gift I woke up to. boo.  So we made it (finally) to my in-laws.....4 hours later than planned because I was in bed all day.  Good thing they are so nice (truly some of the world's kindest folk).  My FIL did comment on my mood and asked Keith if I was in a bad mood....oops.....so I made a point to change my outward expression.  We had a nice simple dinner and all cleaned up before opening gifts.  I cringed (inside...don't worry!) when my MIL shortened our son's name but I suppose in the end it is our fault she still can't get it right.  Just not sure how to tell her...again. Hubby said he would talk with her. They got him a cute little outfit and another shirt with dinosaurs (!!) and a cool little toy piano.  It's soft and lights up and does all sorts of fun things...we know because we played with it for about 5 minutes!

We were able to send our little man a present, but that's a post I will save for the adoption blog.  :0)
Building Blocks to Forever

But here are the words I can't post there for my family to see.  Not because it isn't true, but someday I hope to remember only the real positive stuff over there and not all these big worries here.  I hope these big worries seem small in the near future, but here they are today.

Got our family a cute new little ornament for the tree.  It says and Baby makes three.  Super cute and true. This year we became a family of three in our hearts.  I cross every thread in my soul that it happens for real in 2013.  There is no reason it shouldn't...all the stars are aligned and we are starting to get ready, which is so exciting.  We just bought a new (perfect) print for his room on our last trip to the Happiest Place on Earth two weekends ago.  We bought paint yesterday and have decided on a crib and such. ahh! It's really happening.  Although as we start all the preparations, I can't help but feel nervous and anxious along with my utter excitement. And here come all the what IF's.....thank you IF for turning my mind into pessimist on building a family here and there.  I worry that Foster Mom will decide to adopt him or another Korean family will.  It is her first foster baby. What if I have to stare at an empty nursery? This is my entire reason for not starting sooner.  I worry that the paperwork process won't start in January (like last year) and the families before us have an even longer wait, which in turn makes our wait longer.  All these things are beyond my control.  So we wait, as patient as I can.  I know we have less time to wait than we have been waiting and that makes my heart feel lighter.

On a happier note...My twinnie just got back from her family Christmas down south. Can't wait to see them in the morning.  With that, I need to go to bed. I love winter break and letting my body find it's natural sleep cycle. I am such a night owl and not a morning person!!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and enjoyed some part of your day if not all.  To those of you who can hug and squeeze your miracles, please give them an extra squeeze for me. And to my friends who are still waiting to hug yours, I send you a huge hug myself. oxo

Just Waiting....

still waiting....waiting for our little guy to come home.  I can honestly say two things....1. we have waited longer for him than time left to bring him home and 2. this blog is in some serious neglect.

I have updated our other blog and look forward to the day I have many exciting things to write about (and no time or energy to do so!) You can check it out at Building Blocks to Forever if you want an update on our adoption news.

I changed jobs and am enjoying my new team and my class.  13 of the little boogers are kids who were in my class last year.  I am currently taking a break from report cards and I must say I feel like I know my kids so well.  Love this looping thing and wouldn't mind doing again...if it meant I could stay in my classroom.

I definitely feel detached from this community in some ways.....funny how there are so many things to write about when you are knee deep in a IVF cycle.  Now, I feel like I have nothing to write home about.  I guess its okay.

But then there are nights like tonight when I just feel, well...sorry for myself.  And I have a limited audience for these types of moans and groans.  So I will just type them here to get them off my chest.  I am trying so hard to move past this, but something pops up unexpectedly and it just gets my mind moving, just when I think I am doing great.  On Wednesday, one of my teammates announced her pregnancy.  As happy as everyone was (including me!) I will tell  you I came home and cried (just a little) to Hubby.  You see, she began trying for her first just after we started trying all those years ago.  Her son turned 4 last spring and it's hard for me to not immediately do the math. Yikes.

And then (oh blasted FB) my old (ex?)-friend that I blogged so many times about announced her pregnancy.  How did I see it? Because I am still "friends" with her boyfriend....and trust me I have thought about deleting him, but don't really want to go there.  I already have him blocked on my things.....but it's hard with the stupid FB feed telling you what your friends have commented on and we share a small handful of the same friends...blah.  enough.  But I am telling you know, if our son comes home around the same time her shower is and my works wants to do both....I will be the first one to tell them they can wait.  I'll have a valid excuse with adoption (don't know how showers work with that) and I'm part of the sunshine committee!! Funny thing....I still feel sad that I won't be able to tell her anything congrats wise.  That element of truthfulness and trust flew out the window a long time ago...she barely talks to me at school even when I try.  I can tell I'm bitter still but mostly sad.  About a lot of things.  I don't know why my mind bothers.....but gah it's hard. :0/


I have just been really busy and am enjoying life right now.  Work is so much less stressful with my new team and I am re-adjusting to teaching first grade again.  I'm super excited to start all the nursery room stuff.  Actually more than excited......ecstatic!! I wrote a post about it on the adoption blog.....but I just can't wait to start putting it all together.  Probably in the next few weeks or a month....Hubby has to finish with the stores and then we can start with it all.  And I have to do is survive the next week and a half of conferences!

Last year we had our Friendsgiving....totally wanted to do it again this year.  Maybe we still can....but after Thanksgiving....I've been too busy.  Or maybe I can pull it together this weekend...we shall see!

hugs to you all!

14 months

Our little guy is 14 months old this month and today we received his update and pictures.  I was checking my email at the stoplight (shhh..don't tell) and was so excited to see an email with the header as such.  So happy I was right around the corner from school and could access the pics asap. 

He's a cutie.  I will say I wish we could have a few photos from foster mom.  All the ones we have received recently are from the agency in Korea and I am assuming do not capture his everyday, comfortable expressions (which we saw more of from the first set of photos we received from foster mom).  But I am happy to see him.  I guess these were from last month's checkup and the notes say they will send updated ones next month.

Hi Baby Boy!

Loved reading that he sings and dances along to music, feeds baby dolls and makes a scary face when putting a toy bug on his leg! =0)
I will be posting on our adoption blog with more detail. Building Blocks to Forever  Please stop by sometime if you are curious.

Oh man has life been busy.  Survived the first week of school (full week....who's brilliant idea was that?!? ugh!) and it was my first week of first grade.  I have many of my old students and love it. I also have one boy who is already giving me a run for my money.  Thankful to have some supportive staff members.

Life with my new team is a breath of fresh air.  No bitchy comments, undermining or arguing.  So collegiate, I love it.  What I do not love is their obscene use of paper.  I think I have copied more worksheets, etc in the first week than all of the first three months for my kiddos.  This will take some getting used to.  I am not trying to make any waves, and to some degree we have no choice but to make copies.  But still.  Dear Mother Earth, I am so sorry. 

So, so far so good.

And I must say, after countless hours moving and setting up in a new classroom...my room looks pretty darn good.  I chose a "camping/forest" theme.  My Aunty just brought me some trees and Hubby helped me put up a whole wall of fadeless star background paper.  I can also say I do not want to move any time soon in the near future.  yikes.

Congrats to those brand new mommies....so happy for you ladies!

My favorite P word

Today was my cousin's baby shower and I am not going to lie and tell you I was fine the entire time because I wasn't.  I haven't had too much to write about as of late.  A few updates here and there and some cool things like our awesome trip but I haven't had the energy to finish my posts. The last few weeks have been hard.  I feel like I shouldn't complain but I have to say it somewhere and I know I have your ears and I thank you for that.

I was and am so very fortunate to be matched with our little guy so quickly back in January.  I knew then we had a long wait ahead of us.  What I didn't realize was how difficult the wait was going to be.  Maybe all the years of waiting from IF treatments "spoiled" me.  Even though the outcome was (almost) always the same and horrible, the wait was relatively short in the scheme of things even though we all know how hellish the TWW is.  I can honestly say, in many ways, the wait has gone by quickly, I am busy and like to be that way. But my emotions have been running high as of late.  After receiving our son's first birthday pictures from June last week (which I love) I think of how much older he looks.  So many changes and I wish I was there to see him he was home.  I have said so many times in the last week, that I wish he was here.  I am trying to tell myself to be patient.  Hopefully, when we start his nursery/room things will again feel like they are moving.

This time last year I was preparing my mind and body for our last round of IVF.  I was so happy and hopeful and just knew in my heart something felt different about it.  I was right and sadly that feeling did not stick around for too long.  I still have my positive pregnancy tests, one in my medicine cabinet and one on the side of my refrigerator (gross..yes..but not to worry they are in bags!).  I know I need to get rid of them in some way, but can't seem to remember to do it.  What do I do with them? Throw them out? They are one of my happiest moments, what do I do?

Today I had to go to the bathroom and allowed myself to have a moment at the shower.  I am so happy for this cousin. She is older and has waited for this moment.  She even did a round of IVF last year that was unsuccessful but was able to conceive naturally.  As I watched her today I could feel the part of me wishing I was her. I want it to stop. 

Right now I feel bitter and angry towards my body.  And right now I look at my son's photo and feel so much love for him I think my heart may burst.  Someday soon I will hold him and kiss him.  Someday I will tell him how he was my biggest lesson in patience.  Right now I am still learning how to do it. 

Wow....Life at Neck Breaking Speed

So it appears I have completely disappeared! The last few MONTHS since my last post have been practically overwhelming and wonderful but that is my life and I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way.  No sense in going through a bunch of words and the fact I have been awake for just over 24 hours is not helping.
Here I go with some bullets (not necessarily in order, but I will try!):
-school year starts winding down
**Celebrated our son's first birthday with some close friends, some close family, dinner and cupcakes!**

Happy Birthday Little One!

-I decide to try to return back to my old school as the changes on my team over the past 1.5 years has been a little less charming. 
-Was offered a position at my current school but with first grade.  (and to make a very long and emotionally difficult 48 hours in one short sentence...) I took the job!
-Which made the end of the year psychotically CRAZY!! Holy moly! I had already planned on the end of the year being more busy than normal but this added a huge amount of crazy.
-Packing, boxes, packing, boxes, trying to sort 6+ years of accumulated "teacher stuff" into things I thought I needed or wouldn't need next year..yikes.  Thank goodness for my family and my good friend for their help. phew.
-All the "regular" end of the year stuff for school.
-Helped my bestie mentioned in previous posts move out of her apartment to go down south. Sad day.
-Finished up in the classroom the rest of the week. (done Friday morning)
-Family reunion (left Friday afternoon, come back Sunday)
-Home and packed for our grand Korea and Japan adventure and leave on Tuesday.
***********Spent just over 2.5 weeks in Korea and Japan with my Hubby**********************
~Among many fantastic things, I met my foster mom in Korea and hung out with my friend in Japan.

One of the best moments of my life!!!!!!! Amazing!

-Now trying to adjust back to the time, but so far not doing so well.  So I will give sleep another shot tonight! 

Hope you are well!

Clubs

Apologizing in advance, this post is going to be a little all over the place!

Thanks to the ladies who left some words of advice for my dear friend.  In the past few weeks I have seen so much from her, pain and happiness and sadness.  She is such a dear friend, my best friend and I do not know what I would do without her in my life.  She has put in a letter of resignation at our school and as sad as I am to see her go, I am every step behind her as she makes some huge changes in her life.  Changes are happening all around. I am there to support as she has me.

In other news, there is a new post up on our adoption blog.  Please check it out there if you haven't already! Building Blocks to Forever . We received a huge surprise on Monday.  Three new photos of our son.  I think he looks so much bigger than the photos from last month.  Crazy. Adorable. We were so lucky to get some new pictures.  I will post some photos on the adoption blog. =0)

I hope you all had a nice weekend and survived Mother's Day. Congrats to the new Mommies and to the Mommies to be.  And to those of us who are waiting and wishing, I thought of you.  I felt like I was in limbo this year.  Not quite part of the still dreaming because I do have a son now, but I can still dream of what's to come.  But definitely still in the waiting club.  And most definitely in the wanting club.  I so want to meet him and snuggle him.  Maybe he will be here next year for Mother's Day. Maybe not, I don't know.  So even though this was my technically my first Mother's Day, I will wait to officially celebrate it when our little guy is home. The last few weeks have been extremely hard for me.  I felt sad knowing I would have had a baby in my arms this Mother's Day.  I would have been due sometime last week.  It makes me cry still. I feel slightly guilty because I feel as though I am not fully embracing my son over in Korea.  But I was and still am overjoyed but life has thrown me a curve ball with my emotions.  I knew this would be hard, just didn't know what to expect.

My dear friend sent me flowers for Mother's Day.  I cried really, really hard.

beautiful roses

love this. My friend is truly wonderful, such a loving heart.