It's been a little rough around here...

.....I'm just gonna get started.....no point in doing it any other way.  :0/

I don't know if I have mentioned the hardest pregnancy for me so far? My BIL and his wife.  Last year at their wedding I found out our latest and greatest IUI failed with the arrival of AF days before my scheduled beta.  What a miserable weekend for me...Valentine's Day.  Trying to be positive around family who apparently already knew what was going on (even though I didn't want them to).  Then a few short weeks later comes their announcement...they're gonna be parents.  WTF? They conceived sometime during the week of their wedding....I don't really care if it was before or not.  So my most bitter feelings came out with their greatest joy.  Bitter because in the face of all my sadness that weekend they had something work out.  Needless to say their daughter was born in December, my in-laws first grandbaby.  Did I mention they had been dating for just over a year before getting engaged? yeah...bitter.  And my dear BIL drives me bonkers.....thank god they live in Colorado because I wouldn't be able to deal.  At least I have a very valid excuse to not see them.

So here comes some grand news Thursday evening.....BIL texted my hubby to tell him...wait............wait..........oh! they are expecting their second!  OMG!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!! you just had a baby in December....really?!  And then I get even meaner.....were they trying to conceive around the same time as their first? I mean how cute.  I can't wait to find out the due date so I can count weeks. (Why would I do this to myself?? I don't know....I must be a glutton for punishment.) ugh. so frustrating.  So now I get to see more ultrasound pictures added to the granddaughter shrine at the in-laws.  I know I have said before they are perfectly entitled...it must be that jealous twinge wishing I could give them a super joy like they did.  Finally asked my hubby to email his mom to take me off the family announcement emails.  I just can't handle it right now.

moving on.........

My best gals take me out on Friday.  It was fun...went to a new restaurant in town.  Do you remember the friend I have talked about before who I/we have been having major issues with over our crumbling friendships?  I truly feel that we have been slowly but surely making some progress to becoming more like normal.  It is so awkward at school, but I can tell my friend has been trying and so have I.  I have even been eating in the staff room for the past few weeks and I haven't been the whole year.

We get home from dinner to find a USPS sticky on our door. The company didn't change the delivery date in the computer from Friday to Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!  They will try delivering again on Monday. Ugh....I have refrigerated meds in there people that I need to start next week!  I called the med company and we haven't heard back.  Guess it's not an emergency according to them.  So I will be calling them tomorrow as soon as I am done at the clinic.

Now, for the record since rejoining the cursed FB a few weeks ago, I really haven't done much posting.  On Saturday we were celebrating my friend's birthday (which my bday friend did not want her to come to...bars and walking..nothing she wants to do right now) and we all get this message during lunch:

Subject: just being real

So clearly, pregnant me is not the person you ladies want to hang out with, I get it. You do realize we are friends on FB so your statuses and posts to each other are always in my news feed? I'm not saying don't post. I'm not saying you should even have to invite me. But what I am trying to say is that it hurts and one day when you are pregnant, I hope your friends won't do this to you. And when that time comes, and you feel awful, and tired, and emotional, and a million other things, you'll realize why I'm not quite the same person I was before. And you'll realize how much more you need your friends. It' just too bad I pretty much lost the 3 people I thought were my best friends.
I'm not expecting my sharing this to change things, but I had to get it off my chest. It is what it is. Life changes, people change, and you have to move on. 

 So as far as I am concerned she was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG in sending this! Especially since I feel like I didn't do any of that AND how insensitive of her!  She blames me for not having this friendship with the other two because of my reaction to her pregnancy.  That isn't going to help.  I haven't responded. If I hadn't been out I would have burst into tears.  Talking about it tonight over dinner with my hubby brought me to tears more than once.  What a snot bitch!

I don't even know what to say.  I'm sorry you're pregnant and hormonal? I am too but it's for a different reason.  deep sigh. help!

At breakfast this morning I heard the pregnant ladies response to her friend's question of "don't you just love being pregnant?"...."no!" she says.  Poop on you lady. 

Tomorrow morning is my first of three LW and u/s for our upcoming transfer.  I must say I am excited and nervous.  If I can survive the next few weeks I will be so thankful.

Let's end on a happier note...look what amazing hubby did for my classroom.
  We are learning about tropical rainforests.

I only wish I could be there in the morning to see their faces! :0(

Concrete tube forms - $18
Green butcher paper - $8
A dozen recycled paper bags - free
3 1/2 hours husband labor - free
Seeing the look on 21 kindergarten faces Monday morning- priceless! :o)

 

Life and my first award!

Thanks to Summastarlet and to lostintranslation for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award.  I promise to do my job when I have some time to breathe. Thank you!



I am being swallowed up by the end of the year school stuff (always busy) and my overwhelming emotions for our upcoming FET.  The last two weeks have been crazy to say the least.  I went from thinking our FET was going to have to be rescheduled to a surprise visit from AF (yeah!!), being completely thrown under the bus and felt like a fool in a meeting by my principal, my great Aunty's funeral and starting BCPs (which are making me feel like a giant crab) and some pissy parents in my class.  Maybe it's just me, but I have a few who are driving me nuts.  I am getting really anxious and I am exhausted.  I haven't been on here much and am finding I am missing some of your news!

Our first LW and u/s is this coming Monday.  I'm excited to see our Dr. again and see what he has to say.  I seriously can't remember much from our last meeting after our first failed IVF.  I'm taking the whole day and going back into my classroom to assess kids per my principal.  At least she's understanding of our situation.

Our meds are being shipped to us on Monday and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the total cost....just under $600.  I'll take it.  I am so thankful we had embryos to freeze, I just hope they make it out okay.


Off to bed. Goodnight!

Some (not so promising) news..

After canceling my last IVF in November and finally deciding I was ready to proceed with the madness again we set up our FET for June. After school is over (stress right?). I have been feeling excited and anxious and have been trying to mentally prepare myself for what's to come. This is it.  We can't afford to do more.  We were so lucky to get three embryos out of our first IVF last August.  It boils down to $ for a big fat maybe with more IVF or an eventual someday with adoption.  I said before our goal is to have a family and adoption is definitely an option.  However, even swallowing that bit of truth hurts.  I have a twin and how neat would it be to see what our kids would look like. Would they look like siblings? or completely different? We may never find out.  My twin is my only blood connection I have and it stinks we may not have that family tie. Why does this infertility shit have to be so bloody expensive?? And why can't I win the lottery (even a small one--I'd happily accept!!!)

But I digress...last night as I sat worrying about our upcoming transfer I decided to check in with my RE nurse.  Of course my body hates me and I haven't been visited by AF since March.  I knew I should have gone on BCPs in March.  UGHHH.  So my nurse tells me to go get blood work to test my E2/P4 levels to see where I'm at in my cycle.  If I don't start by Tuesday we have to reschedule my FET for July/August because the clinic will be having a lab closure for summer.  And of course the one, reliable thing my body does is breast tenderness.  Always... about 1.5-2+ weeks before my stinkin' period.  And of course this only just began about two or three days ago.  I hate to be Negative Nancy but I am not very hopeful we will be able to do our transfer.  Why does it feel like things just can't fucking work on their own!!? I am sick of my irregular cycles. And the fact I knew I should have gone on BCPs to help regulate my March cycle makes me furious.  Way to advocate for myself.

In the meantime I should try to remain positive (yeah right)...maybe my blood work will prove me wrong and I am just a few days away from beginning.  I tell my kids my favorite word is patience.  Guess I need to practice what I preach and stop being so glum.  I'm just really frustrated and tired of waiting.

First time with ICLW!

I'm very new to this blogging business but I must say I am thoroughly enjoying it...and enjoying reading others in similar sticky spots and situations.....and as awful as it is, it's nice to know you aren't alone.  It's nice to read about success in the face of failure too.  Gives me some sign that there is hope.  I signed up for ICLW to make sure I am actually commenting, not just reading the bazillion blogs out there.

So if you are here...welcome to my blog!  I am getting closer to my 2nd IVF in June.  I am a Kindergarten teacher and it makes most sense for me (physically and emotionally) to wait for school to be over. 

Here are three reasons why I love teaching Kindergarten:

1. Some of my kiddos lean on me when I help them. ...lean their heads on my arm. Love it that they aren't afraid to be loving.
2. If you ever need a confidence boost come to a kindergarten classroom.  I have one student who asks me several times a week to "guess" who the best teacher in the world is....can you guess who?? (It's me btw..)  They love everything about you. Seriously.  Your socks, shirt, shoes, earring, necklace, sticker on your shirt...you name it! And they tell you!  (They will also tell you that you have a big fat zit on your face--this has happened..thank you Luke...)
3. I love the learning that takes place in the short time I am with them...simply amazing what their little brains soak up!!  I especially love the writing! See below... (try to read his ear spelling [aka phonetic writing])

Here is the number one reason which leads me to want to rip out all my hair and sometimes really, really dislike my job:  PARENTS.

not all parents mind you.  Ironic that I want to be one....a good one of course. It's not to say that I have "bad" parents....just parents who have picked up on some bad habits....and need a slap across the head because they are not doing their child any favor! (take a breath...done with mini rant). Not that I won't make fantastic mistakes but I hope that after all my time around kids and parents I will pick up on some good habits and role models.

Good night! I hope to connect with more of you!

Spring Break

My Spring break is here and I am excited.  Off to Coachella in just a few days and celebrating my husband's birthday today and tomorrow.  Today was spent sleeping in (yes!), cleaning house and miscellaneous work stuff.  I'm currently still in my pajamas and about to shower and run some errands before the family birthday dinner.

Putting away some papers and looked at my calendar for our next IVF.  Crazy it will be here before I know it.  I'm anxious to start my next cycle and go on BCP so I can have a better idea of when all the craziness begins.  My cycles were always loooong and since our first IVF they have been seriously screwed up.  I had one in December and didn't have one til the middle of February.  So even though I was supposed to start BCP in May, I will be starting on my next cycle to help regulate.  I'm relieved to know I will have less blood draws and ultrasounds since I will still be in school.  As it is, I will still have to take some days off or at least a half day since my clinic is about 40 minutes away from school.  That stinks in itself to have to use my time but I know it will be all worth it if this works.

I'm starting to stress about the money factor again.  Deposit has been made but we will still need to pay for all of it soon and my husband's car's transmission went yucky last week. Boo on the great timing.

Sigh...off to my hot shower. Time to celebrate a birthday!


Happy Weekend!

What we've done..an overview.

• Tried on our own....(let me restate that).....tried for fun, tried with ovulation sticks, tried while on vacation, tried after a drink or two, tried when I didn't want to try but because it was "time", tried pillows under my ass, tried BBT, blah blah blah, sick of trying, sick of disappointment.
• After a year and a half of that went for help.  First IUI in September 2009, followed by November and December.  I remember being really disappointed when that first one didn't work.  Funny how some things don't change.  Dr said most couples would be pregnant by #6.
• Started with injectables for IUI in January 2010 and April.  This was when I truly realized even small needles freak me out, I must be the world's biggest wimp and I have a very patient hubby who had to wait hours for me to be "ready".  I have always despised shots..ask anyone who knows me.
• Somewhere last summer we started talking more about adoption.  Went to check out a few agencies and that stopped there with the IVF stuff.  I guess we were on the hopeful note.
• First IVF in July 2010.  During the G.D. summer thank you very much.  In a perfect world, it "should" have worked. I'm off for the summer and I was as "unstressed" as I could possibly be with lab work and ultrasounds that seemed to be every other day but no school.  So if anyone tells me to just relax and not think about it, they can go jump off a cliff.  I really don't know what else to say about that.  Oh I know, progesterone injections SUCK!!  So do secondary allergic reactions and soreness months after the injections are through. I guess I should be thankful since we ended up with three embryos....they are currently in cryo.  And I am, because right now I can't harvest again.
• Late summer and Fall and Winter of 2010....mental breakdown. I cancelled our next IVF set for my Thanksgiving break.  Couldn't hack it.  I always read that this infertility is hard on marriage...I think it may have just been hard on me.  Too bad I reacted poorly and went through a big ole slump. That is more or less better now, I believe.  I needed to get out of there.  It took awhile.
• Planning our next steps.  Trying to look ahead. Met with some adoption agencies again and have decided on two...one for placement and one for the homestudy.  This in itself is exciting and scary.  My twin sister and I are adopted from Korea and that is where we will be looking to adopt from. Lots of papers (I like papers, I like feeling productive and the knowledge that these actions WILL result in something amazing someday). Also lots of money. hmmmm.  We just set our last IVF for June, after school is over.  Argh, I need to win the lottery.
• Crossing my fingers and trying to be hopeful and positive.  That's a little hard in itself.  I wish more people I know would just understand that.  Or at least let me feel the way I feel. It's hard for me to be positive when EVERYTHING (see above) hasn't seemed to work.  My goal right now is to someday be a mommy. My dear friend keeps telling me something along the line of "it will happen somehow for you, we just don't know how right now".  I tear up every time she says this.