My favorite P word

Today was my cousin's baby shower and I am not going to lie and tell you I was fine the entire time because I wasn't.  I haven't had too much to write about as of late.  A few updates here and there and some cool things like our awesome trip but I haven't had the energy to finish my posts. The last few weeks have been hard.  I feel like I shouldn't complain but I have to say it somewhere and I know I have your ears and I thank you for that.

I was and am so very fortunate to be matched with our little guy so quickly back in January.  I knew then we had a long wait ahead of us.  What I didn't realize was how difficult the wait was going to be.  Maybe all the years of waiting from IF treatments "spoiled" me.  Even though the outcome was (almost) always the same and horrible, the wait was relatively short in the scheme of things even though we all know how hellish the TWW is.  I can honestly say, in many ways, the wait has gone by quickly, I am busy and like to be that way. But my emotions have been running high as of late.  After receiving our son's first birthday pictures from June last week (which I love) I think of how much older he looks.  So many changes and I wish I was there to see him he was home.  I have said so many times in the last week, that I wish he was here.  I am trying to tell myself to be patient.  Hopefully, when we start his nursery/room things will again feel like they are moving.

This time last year I was preparing my mind and body for our last round of IVF.  I was so happy and hopeful and just knew in my heart something felt different about it.  I was right and sadly that feeling did not stick around for too long.  I still have my positive pregnancy tests, one in my medicine cabinet and one on the side of my refrigerator (gross..yes..but not to worry they are in bags!).  I know I need to get rid of them in some way, but can't seem to remember to do it.  What do I do with them? Throw them out? They are one of my happiest moments, what do I do?

Today I had to go to the bathroom and allowed myself to have a moment at the shower.  I am so happy for this cousin. She is older and has waited for this moment.  She even did a round of IVF last year that was unsuccessful but was able to conceive naturally.  As I watched her today I could feel the part of me wishing I was her. I want it to stop. 

Right now I feel bitter and angry towards my body.  And right now I look at my son's photo and feel so much love for him I think my heart may burst.  Someday soon I will hold him and kiss him.  Someday I will tell him how he was my biggest lesson in patience.  Right now I am still learning how to do it.