Tuesday, April 2, 2013

wishing and hoping

I find myself again here.  Kinda wondering about myself when some of the crazy bitter infertility uglies come out.  It seems as though it has been more as of late.  Maybe because I am going crazy waiting for our son to come home....closer each and every day and just trying to be as patient as I can.  It's really hard though. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. 

But in the meantime, I am keeping busy....back to school to earn my masters and administrative credential (not that I have any want at this time to ever (EVER) be a principal) but the income will be great.  This may have been the world's worst idea ever, but right now it's okay.  Survived my first quarter and the second just started this week.  Korean language class and ukulele class and masters classes...leaves Friday nights free.

Needed to share something really sucky that I think only IFs can understand the complete suckiness of it all.  A few weeks ago, I was sitting at our team's grade level meeting.  One of the teachers mentioned how she had so many meetings that week and said she had another one Friday morning. Someone asked her what it was for.  She said my principal was meeting with all the expecting moms to talk about long term subs.  I had to ask again what it was for...because surely I misheard her.  Nope...she confirmed...principal is meeting with all the "PREGNANT" moms.  I felt bad...like I snapped at my friend...but really "Why was I not invited to this?!?" WTF to the millionth degree!!!!!!!  She said she would check with our principal for me.  So it turns out, she forgot about me.  In some ways I can totally see that....especially sitting in on the meeting surrounded by quickly expanding/already bulging pregnant bellies all around the table (4 to be exact)...not my idea of fun....but yeah...I'm not visibly pregnant, but I am still expecting.  Might I remind you my principal has a son through IVF and another through adoption.  It hurt so much and made me so angry.  My hands were shaking in the meeting and I literally sat there trying to hold it together and not make eye contact with anyone.   As much as the information on subs SHOULD apply to me, it doesn't.  They all have an idea of when they are going out on leave.  Two of them have already gone out on leave...just as planned.  The others will plan the start of their year with subs.  I guess that is what I should be planning on and hoping on....but I am skeptical.  As soon as everyone left I asked my principal if she had a few minutes and literally lost it in the office 10 minutes before the start of school.  She closed her blinds so no parents would see me.  We had received really shitty news in the adoption world that week and I was really struggling with my emotions all week.  What a great topper to it all.

A few more things....
Being looped by so many people it isn't funny.  My newly married cousin (months away from her first anniversary) just told us of her pregnancy and it's that same thing....super stoked for them....but ugh.
Talking to some family who seem disinterested in what I have to say adoption wise. I am sure I am reading way too far into things...but you know...
Something to check out....we just went to a showing of a documentary called STUCK.  It talks about the problems families and kids worldwide are facing with international adoption.  Please click here to watch the trailer