Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
On top of everything else I was already feeling, Santa brought me an instant migraine so this was my first gift I woke up to. boo. So we made it (finally) to my in-laws.....4 hours later than planned because I was in bed all day. Good thing they are so nice (truly some of the world's kindest folk). My FIL did comment on my mood and asked Keith if I was in a bad mood....oops.....so I made a point to change my outward expression. We had a nice simple dinner and all cleaned up before opening gifts. I cringed (inside...don't worry!) when my MIL shortened our son's name but I suppose in the end it is our fault she still can't get it right. Just not sure how to tell her...again. Hubby said he would talk with her. They got him a cute little outfit and another shirt with dinosaurs (!!) and a cool little toy piano. It's soft and lights up and does all sorts of fun things...we know because we played with it for about 5 minutes!
We were able to send our little man a present, but that's a post I will save for the adoption blog. :0)
Building Blocks to Forever
But here are the words I can't post there for my family to see. Not because it isn't true, but someday I hope to remember only the real positive stuff over there and not all these big worries here. I hope these big worries seem small in the near future, but here they are today.
Got our family a cute new little ornament for the tree. It says and Baby makes three. Super cute and true. This year we became a family of three in our hearts. I cross every thread in my soul that it happens for real in 2013. There is no reason it shouldn't...all the stars are aligned and we are starting to get ready, which is so exciting. We just bought a new (perfect) print for his room on our last trip to the Happiest Place on Earth two weekends ago. We bought paint yesterday and have decided on a crib and such. ahh! It's really happening. Although as we start all the preparations, I can't help but feel nervous and anxious along with my utter excitement. And here come all the what IF's.....thank you IF for turning my mind into pessimist on building a family here and there. I worry that Foster Mom will decide to adopt him or another Korean family will. It is her first foster baby. What if I have to stare at an empty nursery? This is my entire reason for not starting sooner. I worry that the paperwork process won't start in January (like last year) and the families before us have an even longer wait, which in turn makes our wait longer. All these things are beyond my control. So we wait, as patient as I can. I know we have less time to wait than we have been waiting and that makes my heart feel lighter.
On a happier note...My twinnie just got back from her family Christmas down south. Can't wait to see them in the morning. With that, I need to go to bed. I love winter break and letting my body find it's natural sleep cycle. I am such a night owl and not a morning person!!
I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and enjoyed some part of your day if not all. To those of you who can hug and squeeze your miracles, please give them an extra squeeze for me. And to my friends who are still waiting to hug yours, I send you a huge hug myself. oxo
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I have updated our other blog and look forward to the day I have many exciting things to write about (and no time or energy to do so!) You can check it out at Building Blocks to Forever if you want an update on our adoption news.
I changed jobs and am enjoying my new team and my class. 13 of the little boogers are kids who were in my class last year. I am currently taking a break from report cards and I must say I feel like I know my kids so well. Love this looping thing and wouldn't mind doing again...if it meant I could stay in my classroom.
I definitely feel detached from this community in some ways.....funny how there are so many things to write about when you are knee deep in a IVF cycle. Now, I feel like I have nothing to write home about. I guess its okay.
But then there are nights like tonight when I just feel, well...sorry for myself. And I have a limited audience for these types of moans and groans. So I will just type them here to get them off my chest. I am trying so hard to move past this, but something pops up unexpectedly and it just gets my mind moving, just when I think I am doing great. On Wednesday, one of my teammates announced her pregnancy. As happy as everyone was (including me!) I will tell you I came home and cried (just a little) to Hubby. You see, she began trying for her first just after we started trying all those years ago. Her son turned 4 last spring and it's hard for me to not immediately do the math. Yikes.
And then (oh blasted FB) my old (ex?)-friend that I blogged so many times about announced her pregnancy. How did I see it? Because I am still "friends" with her boyfriend....and trust me I have thought about deleting him, but don't really want to go there. I already have him blocked on my things.....but it's hard with the stupid FB feed telling you what your friends have commented on and we share a small handful of the same friends...blah. enough. But I am telling you know, if our son comes home around the same time her shower is and my works wants to do both....I will be the first one to tell them they can wait. I'll have a valid excuse with adoption (don't know how showers work with that) and I'm part of the sunshine committee!! Funny thing....I still feel sad that I won't be able to tell her anything congrats wise. That element of truthfulness and trust flew out the window a long time ago...she barely talks to me at school even when I try. I can tell I'm bitter still but mostly sad. About a lot of things. I don't know why my mind bothers.....but gah it's hard. :0/
I have just been really busy and am enjoying life right now. Work is so much less stressful with my new team and I am re-adjusting to teaching first grade again. I'm super excited to start all the nursery room stuff. Actually more than excited......ecstatic!! I wrote a post about it on the adoption blog.....but I just can't wait to start putting it all together. Probably in the next few weeks or a month....Hubby has to finish with the stores and then we can start with it all. And I have to do is survive the next week and a half of conferences!
Last year we had our Friendsgiving....totally wanted to do it again this year. Maybe we still can....but after Thanksgiving....I've been too busy. Or maybe I can pull it together this weekend...we shall see!
hugs to you all!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
He's a cutie. I will say I wish we could have a few photos from foster mom. All the ones we have received recently are from the agency in Korea and I am assuming do not capture his everyday, comfortable expressions (which we saw more of from the first set of photos we received from foster mom). But I am happy to see him. I guess these were from last month's checkup and the notes say they will send updated ones next month.
|Hi Baby Boy!|
Loved reading that he sings and dances along to music, feeds baby dolls and makes a scary face when putting a toy bug on his leg! =0)
I will be posting on our adoption blog with more detail. Building Blocks to Forever Please stop by sometime if you are curious.
Oh man has life been busy. Survived the first week of school (full week....who's brilliant idea was that?!? ugh!) and it was my first week of first grade. I have many of my old students and love it. I also have one boy who is already giving me a run for my money. Thankful to have some supportive staff members.
Life with my new team is a breath of fresh air. No bitchy comments, undermining or arguing. So collegiate, I love it. What I do not love is their obscene use of paper. I think I have copied more worksheets, etc in the first week than all of the first three months for my kiddos. This will take some getting used to. I am not trying to make any waves, and to some degree we have no choice but to make copies. But still. Dear Mother Earth, I am so sorry.
So, so far so good.
And I must say, after countless hours moving and setting up in a new classroom...my room looks pretty darn good. I chose a "camping/forest" theme. My Aunty just brought me some trees and Hubby helped me put up a whole wall of fadeless star background paper. I can also say I do not want to move any time soon in the near future. yikes.
Congrats to those brand new mommies....so happy for you ladies!
Monday, August 6, 2012
I was and am so very fortunate to be matched with our little guy so quickly back in January. I knew then we had a long wait ahead of us. What I didn't realize was how difficult the wait was going to be. Maybe all the years of waiting from IF treatments "spoiled" me. Even though the outcome was (almost) always the same and horrible, the wait was relatively short in the scheme of things even though we all know how hellish the TWW is. I can honestly say, in many ways, the wait has gone by quickly, I am busy and like to be that way. But my emotions have been running high as of late. After receiving our son's first birthday pictures from June last week (which I love) I think of how much older he looks. So many changes and I wish
This time last year I was preparing my mind and body for our last round of IVF. I was so happy and hopeful and just knew in my heart something felt different about it. I was right and sadly that feeling did not stick around for too long. I still have my positive pregnancy tests, one in my medicine cabinet and one on the side of my refrigerator (gross..yes..but not to worry they are in bags!). I know I need to get rid of them in some way, but can't seem to remember to do it. What do I do with them? Throw them out? They are one of my happiest moments, what do I do?
Today I had to go to the bathroom and allowed myself to have a moment at the shower. I am so happy for this cousin. She is older and has waited for this moment. She even did a round of IVF last year that was unsuccessful but was able to conceive naturally. As I watched her today I could feel the part of me wishing I was her. I want it to stop.
Right now I feel bitter and angry towards my body. And right now I look at my son's photo and feel so much love for him I think my heart may burst. Someday soon I will hold him and kiss him. Someday I will tell him how he was my biggest lesson in patience. Right now I am still learning how to do it.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Here I go with some bullets (not necessarily in order, but I will try!):
-school year starts winding down
**Celebrated our son's first birthday with some close friends, some close family, dinner and cupcakes!**
|Happy Birthday Little One!|
-I decide to try to return back to my old school as the changes on my team over the past 1.5 years has been a little less charming.
-Was offered a position at my current school but with first grade. (and to make a very long and emotionally difficult 48 hours in one short sentence...) I took the job!
-Which made the end of the year psychotically CRAZY!! Holy moly! I had already planned on the end of the year being more busy than normal but this added a huge amount of crazy.
-Packing, boxes, packing, boxes, trying to sort 6+ years of accumulated "teacher stuff" into things I thought I needed or wouldn't need next year..yikes. Thank goodness for my family and my good friend for their help. phew.
-All the "regular" end of the year stuff for school.
-Helped my bestie mentioned in previous posts move out of her apartment to go down south. Sad day.
-Finished up in the classroom the rest of the week. (done Friday morning)
-Family reunion (left Friday afternoon, come back Sunday)
-Home and packed for our grand Korea and Japan adventure and leave on Tuesday.
***********Spent just over 2.5 weeks in Korea and Japan with my Hubby**********************
~Among many fantastic things, I met my foster mom in Korea and hung out with my friend in Japan.
|One of the best moments of my life!!!!!!! Amazing!|
Hope you are well!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Thanks to the ladies who left some words of advice for my dear friend. In the past few weeks I have seen so much from her, pain and happiness and sadness. She is such a dear friend, my best friend and I do not know what I would do without her in my life. She has put in a letter of resignation at our school and as sad as I am to see her go, I am every step behind her as she makes some huge changes in her life. Changes are happening all around. I am there to support as she has me.
In other news, there is a new post up on our adoption blog. Please check it out there if you haven't already! Building Blocks to Forever . We received a huge surprise on Monday. Three new photos of our son. I think he looks so much bigger than the photos from last month. Crazy. Adorable. We were so lucky to get some new pictures. I will post some photos on the adoption blog. =0)
I hope you all had a nice weekend and survived Mother's Day. Congrats to the new Mommies and to the Mommies to be. And to those of us who are waiting and wishing, I thought of you. I felt like I was in limbo this year. Not quite part of the still dreaming because I do have a son now, but I can still dream of what's to come. But definitely still in the waiting club. And most definitely in the wanting club. I so want to meet him and snuggle him. Maybe he will be here next year for Mother's Day. Maybe not, I don't know. So even though this was my technically my first Mother's Day, I will wait to officially celebrate it when our little guy is home. The last few weeks have been extremely hard for me. I felt sad knowing I would have had a baby in my arms this Mother's Day. I would have been due sometime last week. It makes me cry still. I feel
My dear friend sent me flowers for Mother's Day. I cried really, really hard.
|love this. My friend is truly wonderful, such a loving heart.|
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Three weeks since my last post....I guess it's a little harder when there isn't as much stuff going on with the adoption as there was with IVF. But the great news is we got our second update on our little guy last week so my plan is to make my post on the adoption blog tomorrow night. He is getting so big and he has received our first gift. And his hair grew...a lot! Hopefully he receives our second gift soon, as multiple families just traveled to Korea from our placing agency to pick up their little ones.Here's a picture. I will post more on my adoption blog. love, love!
|Our guy. getting so big!!!!|
I had a glorious week off from school for spring break....spent most of it in Las Vegas with my girls. So nice to get away from pretty much everything. I am at a point of trying to figure EVERYTHING out and it's a little frustrating at times. So good to relax, meet some new folks, get some sun and dance, dance, dance!
Right before I left I finally decided to apply for graduate school. I was such a spaz trying to fill out the damn application I don't think I even want to know what I would be like in class. But this is something I have wanted to do for a long time now. And damn it, had I actually started it when I "wanted" to and had the first peeping thoughts I would have been done already...years ago. BUT, of course I didn't because "what if I get pregnant? I don't want to try to go back to school and juggle being a new mommy." HAH, what a fucking joke. So over the week in Vegas, I talked myself out of it, with some advice from my friends, but mostly with the voice of our social worker in my head. "Don't start anything big." Well, if that's not big I don't know what is. But what about my teacher friend at school who says..."do it now, before your baby comes." Except that he won't be a baby, he'll be a toddler. I feel so upset. Damn IF, you messed all that up. Or maybe I did because I was waiting for the miracle to happen that always eluded us and I should have just gone for it. But for now, I will wait. I just turned in a bunch of units, so that helps a bit and I will just try to get more in the coming year.
Feeling like I am in a slump with Hubby. Enough said. I can't wait for our trip to Korea and Japan this summer. Hopefully it gives us the time together and the recharge we need. But...we need to book our tickets and that hasn't happened yet. We are not
School is good. Conferences are over and they went great overall. So proud of my kiddos. Tomorrow we will start our classroom garden. Today my kids picked which types of seeds they will plant. This is my favorite time of year, they love it and so do I!
I try to follow along with your blogs, but realized tonight I have some big holes, especially after being gone for a few days. Thinking of you.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
|little boot prints|
|Believe it or not...I teared up a little telling my kids how happy I was they were there to help me clean. I think it only added to their excitement and how real it must be!!|
|New structure courtesy of Hubby|
|Some of the traps as of Thursday after school...|
|Leprechauns like shiny objects...we used gold coins and treasure tub pieces as bait.|
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I am excited about tomorrow morning in my classroom....the leprechauns paid a visit over the weekend and the traps my kids set up on Thursday (we had a work day) on Friday have been transformed by my terrific Hubby into a grand structure with their bait hidden inside. Green bootprints and gold glitter all around and a pot of gold coins to be found later on in the morning. I'll have to add pictures later since I left my phone at home while we were at school today. Our celebration will be a little less than normal because our days at school are so squished for time, but I am looking forward to seeing my kids' faces in the morning.
In other news, I do believe my body is back to normal. For months, I have not experienced my normal PMS symptoms and last month I did. Sore, busty boobs and cramping a week plus before AF's appearance. So I am happy things are back to "normal"...took long enough.
I posted a new post about our wonderful trip to Arizona to our placing agency. If you are interested, check it out here, if you aren't following along yet.
Hope you all had a great weekend! I am off to try to catch up some more on your worlds.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Waking up in a hotel room and not being able to fall asleep is a perfect excuse to do a mini post. I am on my phone so this will be short and sweet. This weekend has been wonderful so far and I wish we could stay one more day (and had a rental car!) to explore AZ more. Today was more emotional than I had expected. I wish this agency was closer so we could stay in "better" contact with some of the people we met today. Saw a very dear old friend way back from kindergarten and will see a college friend tomorrow before we return home. Hoping my pills work their magic again on the flight back and trying not to think about it too much. I'll fill you in about our trip soon.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
In adoption news, we received our first update on our son and all looks well. The best part was receiving 5 new photos!! I posted a few over on the adoption blog. Scroll down for the link if you are interested in checking it out. I am still so very grateful we received our referral so quickly. We are flying to Arizona early Friday morning because our placing agency has a mandatory orientation meeting. California families have one on Friday...Saturday is for everyone. Please send good thoughts my way......I am a terrible flyer. But I am trying to look at this trip as good flying practice for Korea!!! I am thrilled to finally meet the director at the agency and I am looking forward to connecting with some other adoptive families as well. I'll be sure to do a post about it next week.
My newest turn in life is my attempt to help bring in some extra income, on top of the after school tutoring I am already doing. I signed up to be a consultant with a well know candle company called Par.tyL.ite in January. We had an amazing fundraiser and I can already see how this can help us in just my first month. I wanted to help with some costs, especially our trip to Korea this summer, which we are still planning on taking. I have a great leader and I am enjoying everything so far! I work full time but this allows me to help but with my own schedule and I can do as little or as much as I want, and it's different. I figured it couldn't hurt just to see what happens. So far so good and I am committed to doing whatever I can do to help. In fact, I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers last night at our unit meeting for having the highest sales in February.....go me!! We all know how expensive our family building attempts are and since I have the time and the energy (for the most part!) I wanted to do more. And since I love their candles and their products...why not?! If you are interested in checking out their awesome-sauce candles (or ever earning free product...online party anyone?!?!) just let me know in the comments section and I will send you the link to my page. =0)
School is good. I "lost" a student a few weeks ago to his ED (Emotionally Disturbed) placement out of district. I have never cried so hard saying goodbye to a student. Saddest thing ever for me, I could hardly talk at one point saying goodbye, I was so choked up. I know he is where he needs to be and it took a lot to get him there, but I miss him in many ways. One of those kids where his family betrayed him in so many ways. Beyond maddening and it makes me sick. He was the hardest student I have ever had in my class and I miss him the most, even though some days my work day was a living hell because of him.
I have been trying to read and catch up on your blogs...usually on my phone which is not ideal. Thinking of you ladies. Have a great weekend!!!!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Basically it boils down to this (or at least my best perspective): I was very distant from many people and just needed to be alone for a bit. She is not one of my closest friends whom I would have turned to for comfort, we just aren't "there" yet on that friendship level. During that time she sent me a few messages here and there (along with some of my other friends) to which I responded to some. I was absent from dear old fb for a bit and didn't see most of them until afterwards. I appreciated her kinds thoughts, I just couldn't really process them. Her thoughts were this....that I used my infertility to "ditch" friends (meaning her and my co-worker whom I have written about). She mentioned said coworker in her nasty message as well which really ticked me off. She said I am mean and incredibly selfish especially when I responded to her message by telling her I didn't really know what I did that was bothering her, which prompted her to give me a huge cry.
Time passed and nothing ever really was resolved. I tried a few times to get together for a face to face conversation and it never seemed to work out. The last few weeks I have seen her a bit but again it's the same...and I might add very awkward.
The worst of all this mess is the way my co-worker, her mother, has been treating me. I would hope after working next door to someone for 6+ years she would know I am not doing anything intentionally to hurt her daughter. But I also understand it's her daughter---she should be supporting her......BUT not treating me like crap. I am hurt by her actions most of all. It isn't fair this is causing me to feel so uncomfortable at work. Seriously, if my life wasn't going to change for the best, I would be switching grade levels or schools. Maybe I will take my old master teacher's offer to take over her classroom when she retires in a few years. I am hoping this will be over long before then.
Tonight I received yet another message and it hurt me so much. I am angry beyond belief but sad this continues. She referenced an article talking about IF and the community and REDB.OOK's campaign, telling me I need to read it. Again saying I have been selfish towards her feelings and again mentioning the old friend. She ended by offering her congrats on the adoption and saying "Maybe now that you have a baby you might be a little more considerate".
Someone needs to come slap me across the head so I can try to figure out what to do. Why do I have such strong feelings to make things better with her and my old friend?? (who I talked with last week...we had a good cry, not saying anything is better...although I did receive her baby announcement today). WHY? She is not acting like a true friend. It is so easy for my sister and Hubby to get angry and just write her off. Outside perspective is great, but it's just that. I feel completely stuck in the middle of a bad accident. Hubby wants to call and I know that won't help anything. I really need to sit down with my co-worker but I seriously have no idea how to start that conversation. This is such a mess and has caused me so much turmoil, I hate it.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I've decided to put my adoption blog url here. If you want to come and follow along, I would love it! I am almost caught up with this week's excitement and have another post in the works. I want to remember all of this and there is so much already. If you look, please don't share any of our names/agencies on this IF blog by name or refer to this blog. Thanks! You can visit us here Adoption Blog =0)
Happy weekend to all of you! Much love!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
More details to come here and on the adoption blog. We are so thankful and amazed at the quickness of this event. This was a complete surprise. But I
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
We received the agreement (signed all pages and had both copies notarized) on Tuesday and sent it back Wednesday. So now the real waiting begins. Their office is closed on Fridays so I will wait to hear the official "waiting" news.....but my heart is happy and I am super pumped. We are many steps closer to our baby than we were this time last year. And in my excitement last week, I even made a fb announcement and was so happy with the positive response we received. It just feels good to be able to share it with more people. It is tricky though because everyone wants to know when and right now we don't have an exact estimate.....just hoping for 2013!
In all my happiness I was thrown a small curve ball yesterday. Turns out our placing agency sent out letters to our listed references. Fine and all with me, but I feel bad because 4 of the 8 people already kindly wrote us lovely letters of reference and for that I feel guilty!! If I had known, I would have listed other people. My dear friend told us "we are worth it" but I still feel bad....it's a bigger more in depth set of questions than our homestudy agency and I know our friends and family are busy. And is it bad I wished I had put other people down for one or two...we have one friend who is super busy and I worry he won't make the time right away to write our letter and I wished I had listed my sister as a reference. I just feel like I have lost some control over the process...I can't control, I can only beg and plead our friends get them in soon. On the other hand, Hubby is calling tomorrow to see if the quickness in which they receive and contact our friends and family by phone (another thing they want to do) will have any effect on our referral wait time. In my head, our reference letters were already done, since we had to four written from the other agency. It never occurred to me, both agencies would want different letters. So until then I am trying to not to stress.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Today we turned in the paperwork for our placing agency. Feels so wonderful to (finally!) have it on it's merry way!!!!!!!! It took much longer than I wanted since the holidays had our college and Hubby's dr's office closed and I had poor planning on my part. But it's done and I couldn't be happier!
|Sending off our papers..............|
I also started back to school this week...longest short week ever. Funny enough I find myself thinking about our baby and what we need to do rather than school stuff......which is a major change and I am so glad. Although Hubby seems to just wish I would fall asleep instead of talking!!!!! That has not changed.
I also started an adoption blog which I had been toying with the idea for awhile now....if you would like to check it out, send me an email at ushi311 at gmail dot com or leave your email below. I'd be happy to have your support there as well. It isn't set on private as of now, but I would rather leave it sort of private and not share the url on this blog.
Hope your new year is going as well as mine!!!!!! Lots of exciting things happening for some of you too!!