Thursday, July 28, 2011

Taking steps and breathing

I have said before I am a worrywart.  So I was more nervous about the homestudy interview but still.  It went FINE! Surprise!! It was very long though and lasted almost two  Mrs. S asked me about my family, family relationships, memories, my parent's relationship, marriage, health, morals, etc. We talked for a looong time about the big IF.  This week she was more clear on something.....she said they usually don't recommend doing the homestudy if you are going through a treatment and they usually have you wait for six months after your last treatment to begin it.  She said all this and in my head I thought two things. 1.) oh shit, there's that "put all your eggs in one basket" comment coming back to haunt me and 2.) why didn't you tell me this last week when I asked?  Then she proceeded to tell me she has no worries about Hubby or I at this moment and that she ruminated about it over the week since we'd seen her.  She assured me that what we are doing (the first 3 homestudies) is fine.  She also acknowledged the fact that we are able to control this process, something we obviously can't with IF.  We will just wait til we find out the results of our FET to decide our next steps, which is what we had already decided to do...perfect!  At the end she thanked me for my candor and gave me a hug!  Hubby's interview is Monday morning, can't wait to hear what he thinks! =0)

Talking so openly about IF with a mostly stranger was rather interesting.  So far, I really like Mrs. S and she is easy to talk to.  While talking about IF I didn't cry (at all) nor did I get choked up.  I even noted to her that it surprised me, usually I break down a bit when talking about this all coming to an end and all of the failures we have had.  I told her about how I fell apart after our fresh cycle failed last fall.  I think (and hope) that the utter despair I felt was the worse it will be. I know I will be sad and angry and frustrated and everything else if this FET doesn't work, but I am hoping the worst of the grieving is over. (someone please remind me I said this if I later change my thinking....!)  I am very, very excited about the adoption process and the fact we will be working with Korea is even more thrilling.  It is nice to have a plan b (even if that sounds awful too) but I told her how much we want to build our family and the goal is simply that. In the end it won't matter if our family is built through adoption or not.  I know I will face challenges with adoption if our stars lead us in that direction, but I will face that when I get there!  In the meantime, I am crossing my fingers and hanging on to that hope this FET WILL indeed be the one.  If it does, I will be the happiest of all.  If not, I realize I may have already made a small degree of peace with the fact I may never carry a child.

Back to the worrywart...I had to report to Oakland today for jury duty.  I was not bothered by the fact that it was in Oakland itself but driving to a place I have never been! I so wanted to make a test run last night but realized that would be silly since Oakland isn't really too close (not too far, but far enough!)  I spent about an hour looking at directions for the courthouse and parking garage, writing them on a sticky and then re-looking at them and the little maps.  Seriously from the freeway there were about 4 turns and I was feeling sooo anxious about it....really kinda pathetic! The good news was the court lady had a sense of humor and I was dismissed at 11!! Whoo hoo!!  Which means Hubby and I can enjoy celebrating our 5th anniversary tomorrow since he gets the day off!! 

Happy Night everyone!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Homestudy #2 tomorrow!

Tomorrow is the first of our two individual homestudies.  Mrs. S will just be talking with me. I have to say I am nervous about what she is going to ask me (and then ask hubby on Monday and compare notes!!).  But as my dear friends point out, I have nothing to hide and there is no reason she should deny us approval. I have to agree but I still worry.  My goal was to finish our pre-application for the other placement agency by tomorrow, er today, and send it off, but as hubby has not had time to work on his part (answering a set of questions, in essay format) it will probably have to wait til Friday.  Hubby has worked non-stop since he came home last week. He actually gets Friday off for our anniversary which means I am really hoping I don't have to go in for jury duty (please excuse me on Thursday.....please, please, please!!). If nothing else he can answer those questions!

I didn't mention this but I went to my "friend's" baby shower on Saturday afternoon. She's the lady I teach with, same team and we all were great friends.  To say it was awkwardly uncomfortable is an understatement.  I didn't know most people there and actually hid in the bathroom for a few minutes so I wouldn't break down and cry.  You know when you want to give someone a hug and they really don't seem that interested and then it doesn't happen anyway...well, I don't think I have ever felt that way before and it made me really sad. Sad to know that I probably have lost her as a friend.  Worse was sitting with another friend who I really was getting negative vibes from as I am sure she has heard of all the "nastily mean" things I have done. sigh. Her boyfriend gave me a hug as I escaped left and told me "thanks for coming, it means a lot"...nice gesture but it makes me wonder if it was really heartfelt.

ahem....moving on......Lupron began Saturday night.  So far so good, although I think it's making me tired.  Either that I'm staying up too late... what? It's only 2 am....hehehe.   Next week is a big week....hysteroscopy on Wednesday and more labs and a u/s. 

Today I installed the Ro.setta Stone (RS) Korean edition on my computer.  I am actually really excited to learn Korean since I don't know sad.  Oh's gonna be complicated.  Have any of you had any luck with RS??  I'm not sure if I need to purchase a book as well....I think I need to see it also.  But since I have only played a bit, I'll give it some time. Right now my tongue is confused!!  I also volunteer with my local humane society in their Animal Assisted Therapy program.  Today was the monthly read to a dog day at the library.  Always fun!

Here we are...can you tell Ernie was very distracted by the new girl? hehe Oh and if I had known we were going to take a picture I might not have worn my green clogs. =0) 

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

An Update

Okay.... Let's get down to business...

Met with our RE for our WTF meeting.  It went basically as I thought it would. At least he can confirm my emotions when he says "yours is the most frustrating situation (unexplained IF), everything looks great except the end result".  So we talked about what we can do differently and what other tests we could run.  I know we're getting to the end here and I just wanted to see if there was anything else before our last try.  We talked about immune disorders and although my RE isn't on the side of 100% believing it (for lack of a better word) he agreed to run some tests for me.  He thinks the science and research behind it all isn't quite there yet. So I had 7 vials of blood drawn after my appointment.  I got the test results for one and it was negative and the others didn't have a description, but I'm not too worried since he said he would call if there was anything other than normal.  Maybe I'll send an email just to be sure on Monday! I also have a hysteroscopy scheduled on Aug. 3rd. If we find anything we will push our FET back.  We will be transferring our last 3 embryos. =0) Had my baseline ultrasound as well....everything looks great! Oh and Hubby's flight came in a half hour early so he actually made it to most of the appointment!! =0) So I am crossing my fingers this is it...Lupron begins tomorrow!

Paid for and picked up my meds yesterday.  I have never paid cash for a treatment and OMG...handing over that much cash makes me want to puke.  Different than smiling and swiping. ugh.  I even offered to split it with the receptionist....hah! My meds were cheaper than last time by about $130...different pharmacy....worth the drive to pick them up! And hooray for the nice pharmacy man trying to find coupons to give me further discounts...and he did! Yay for the kind people of the world!!

We had time for lunch and back home to get the last few things ready for our first homestudy.  Our social worker (Mrs. S) is quite nice and was easy to talk to.  She basically used this first meeting to just get to know us.  It seemed like she asked us a lot of what we already turned in and then elaborated on the questions....our families growing up, how we met, etc.  It lasted about an hour and 15 minutes.  She said we were "wonderful" which made me feel great, even if she tells this to lots of people.  She was looking for stability and we are quite stable people according to her. Right away I told her what are current plans are.  I was nervous about what she would say since our homestudy, placing agency and Korea will not allow you to adopt if you are pregnant. Everything just gets put on hold and with the long waits some of our paperwork would most likely be "old" and have to be redone.  I have had some worries about starting the adoption process at the same time as our last FET but Hubby and I still feel good about our decision.  We will wait til our beta comes in to do our 4th (and final homestudy) which also means have time to continue collecting papers and such but avoid the rest of the homestudy fees if our FET works out.  Mrs. S said she is fine with completing homestudies 2 and 3 (seperate sessions with Hubby and I) if we are.  With the busy Halloween season and the beginning of school quickly approaching we think this is the best idea.  So we have the next two dates the 27th and the 1st.  Now I am waiting to meet with another lady from our homestudy agency to help us decide between the two placing agencies we are now considering.

I think I may just be nuts!! ahhh! But I know that in some way or another, this past Wednesday was a very important day for our upcoming family!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Happy ICLW!

Today I am watching my niece who had a fever yesterday which means no yay Auntie. :0) She will get to run errands with me...there are only 3 that have to be run:
  1. go to the bank..withdraw money
  2. go to for FET
  3. go the pharmacy to pick up my meds on the other side of the bridge
My mom is coming to hang out today (planned before niece) so it should be a nice day!  I have lots to tell you all about yesterday (RE wtf meeting and our first homestudy for international adoption.  That will have to wait til tonight since my niece will be here in a few minutes.

I'm looking forward to catching up and reading new blogs.  I haven't had a computer for a few days due to rabbit chomping through yet another cable (yes they are gathered a tube!!! dang rabbit!!) and I can't do a whole lot using my phone. Happy Thursday! 

Monday, July 18, 2011

A Fun Few Days...

Hubby and I had a great time on our little trip to DL and San Diego.  We actually were gone til late Thursday and usually make shorter trips, so it was nice to feel like we had more time together.  Rode Star Tours this time and loved it! Made up for last time since I missed out.  Met up with my best friend and her family back at the Happiest place on Earth on Thursday.  Such a fun trip!

Sea World was a major sunburn and a great Cookie Monster puppet (I love puppets!)  I don't think I have ever been there.  The animal lover in me feels a bit sad for those huge majestic creatures in the small tanks (for their size) but I hope it inspires more people to take action and be kind(er) to our world and it's creatures.  But I must say, I always love the pet shows and the sea lion shows....amazing and fun to see!

With some performers after a show...neat!  

So Hubby left early this morning for New Jersey and is gone til Wednesday afternoon. It's time for the Halloween season to officially begin which means starting now I will see less and less of him over the next few months. He owns and operates Halloween stores (you know the one with the big, ugly skeleton guy) so he's really, really busy for a few months and then I get him back (hee hee).  This is the perfect child care situation for us....can't wait to make that part a reality.

Since our decision to do our next FET I am already feeling anxious as of this weekend. And since I have to go to my first consult alone  (ever) on Wednesday (only time available) I'm feeling nervous.  I have some questions and I am not sure if I need more tests done or not.  I mean I do think this is our last try unless our Dr. won't transfer the 3 embryos we have left.  I wish there was a book I could read that would just tell me what to do.....see if my twin should just try to surrogate, not try at all, try, hold off on all adoption stuff....blah! As of now I am going for it!! Meds are being ordered tomorrow.  I need to schedule acupuncture sessions again and start back on that diet. It's awful.....I am doubtful, but am still hopeful enough to try again.

For now, I need to go to bed. I always have some extra trouble falling asleep when Hubby isn't here.
Thank goodness for dog snuggles.  I'm up early to have breakfast with an old friend visiting from Idaho....can't wait!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Crazy Busy... words to describe my life since Friday.  Oh my~~ there is so much going on!!!!!!  I think I will list them as I am leaving for an early 5th anniversary trip tomorrow morning and really should be in bed....

  • Friday--Did errands with my hubby for his business.  We went to the State Building in Oakland...interesting. 
  • Turned in our first round of adoption paperwork and payment at our homestudy agency. (family brief, family descriptions by hubby and me, adoption agreement and $2500)  
  • Talked with the paperwork thinking of another placement agency....more on that later.  He did tell us we wouldn't be traveling to pick up our child until 2013.  This stinks but it gives me some peace at the same time.
  • As we pulled in to home, my IVF nurse called. She was on vacation during my beta and just saw the news. I was so glad she called, it was nice to talk to her.  AND.....we set up (tentatively) our next FET!!!  Transfer would be on the 25th of August. EEEEEKKK! I am waiting to hear back from my principal because this would be my first official paid day back at school. (First day is the 29th)  Just waiting to hear the okay from her....please cross your fingers she says yes!!!
  • Friday night was spent looking and comparing the two placement agencies. Sent in a request for pre-application.  Also got an email to tell us we have our social worker!
  • Saturday...relax...I think I stayed in my pajamas all morning.  Finally made it to the garden store and re-did my patio garden.  I love it....makes me feel really good and happy.  I need to buy a few more plants and then I will be done...more or less.  I'll have to post a picture.
  • Went panning for gold.....well actually we went on a mine tour in Sutter Creek. Super neat and great timing since they are going to reopen the mines for mining so the tours are ending at the end of the month. AND I got a mystery scoop of sand with an assortment of little and not so little stones.  It was fun and just what my inner child needed.  Spent the day with friends on a mini adventure.  Ate lunch in the little town nearby and window shopped.  I bought a snail for my garden.
  • Today was a call from the other placement agency.  Talked to a really nice woman..she answered all my questions.  Figured out how to get a copy of my naturalization paper..or a letter saying I have one.  Received a call from our social worker, let's call her Mrs. S.  Talked to her and set up our first meeting for the 20th.  I was so happy to talk with her...she seems nice! I hope so!!  I am so thrilled to be starting all of this.
  • is Tuesday.  Leaving for an early anniversary trip to Disn.eyland and San Diego. My last hurrah with hubby before the crazy Halloween season begins.
So, I have been busy.  I am excited about everything coming up and am so thankful to share it with you. =0) Leaving you with two of one of my darling buns and the other my early anniversary gift from the best hubby ever (and yes, he painted it!)

Frank the Tank decided it was just more convenient to eat this way. Isn't he a stud?!

The painting I have wanted from Up..that you cannot purchase.  So next best thing....paint one! I love it and was so super excited about it and surprised..Hubby has never painted as long as I have know him (he did in HS).  So fantastic!!

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I do believe I am doing better.  :0)   Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry (although I did tear up telling hubby this little fact as we went to bed).  This morning I slept in again (I think my cat just knows sometimes) and watched Maid in Manhattan (cute!). Yesterday we decided to tackle more of the adoption papers.  I was pretty busy last week and then I guess I needed to not look at it for a few days and just rest my poor mind.  Hubby and I spent Tuesday night in argument/discussion (fun but in the end was just what we needed) and then worked on adoption paperwork again last night.  I set up our WTF appointment for the 22nd and we will talk more details then.  I want to discuss things like embryo quality, possible surrogacy (???) & how that works, and see if he has any idea what happened, although I doubt it.  In the meantime hubby and I decided that whenever I am ready we can go for our last FET.  If it works (:0D!) we will put our adoption paperwork on hold and resume it again when it's time, because we definitely can't go through this nightmare again...financially or emotionally.

I am hoping to drop off our first round of paperwork and payment at the adoption agency tomorrow.  This will allow us to begin our homestudy!! exciting. 

Oh and I have ukulele class tonight which I "forgot" because I didn't realize it was Thursday.   We got a new song last week.."Can you feel the love tonight".....guess I should go practice!  Boy, I love summer vacation!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A Better Mind...

I woke up super early this morning (with the help of my cat and AF) and have decided I have got to make an attempt to change this cruddy mood of mine.  Yesterday was absolutely the worse day yet and I am thinking if it doesn't get worse than that...I might just pull out of this.  I ended up going to the bbq although my hubby left me crying because of a comment he had made... I didn't want to stay home alone but was NOT in the mood to visit and act like everything was ok.  But we stopped at the store for my favorite 6 pack of Stella and I'm sure it helped out a bit~and don't worry I shared.  By the end of the night I was glad I went but felt unsure of my in-laws reaction to my mood.  I know they both noticed but I wasn't about to pretend I was feeling hunky dory either. Not my best 4th but so it goes.

After Wednesday's news I was pretty gung ho about moving forward with our adoption plans.  We did our fingerprinting and began our family description. I answered all of my questions and ended up with a four page document.  Hubby is still working on his and I need to go back and re-edit mine.  Next step: turn in contract, family description and family brief (mostly done) and $2500! yikes.  This is where I need to take a deep breath as it's only the beginning.  I think about the money and how much another FET would run.  Base cost is just over $3000 not including meds. So at this point we're still looking at pursuing our international adoption from Korea (which I am very excited and nervous about) and I (can't speak for Hubby) am still thinking about our last FET.  I suppose I should ring over to the RE and set up our WTF appointment. Maybe that will give me some more peace.  Hubby and I still haven't talked over it all yet.  Maybe now that's its been a few days we can.  I felt pretty alone this weekend and after saying that as we went to bed last night, he said he was just trying to give me space.  I obviously misinterpreted his intentions.

Today's goals and happenings:
1. eat something....I'm hungry!
2. call over to RE
3. take our BIL's brother to the airport-always a fun visit!
4. stop at the hardware store..we started the patio this plants yet, so today's the day to start!
5. go to dr appt with PCP...discovered some swollen lymph nodes in my groin yesterday....Has anyone else had this after FET? I'm hoping my hubby is body is just reacting to the (lack of!) meds.
6. dinner with one of my besties and her hubby (she's been in Mexico so I just told her yesterday what happened)
7. make today better than yesterday :0)

Monday, July 4, 2011

4th of July

I am a huge night owl.  So going to bed a little after 7 is absurd and basically never happens.  I had to have a really good, big cry and then slept for about 5 hours. I just laid in bed looking outside my window for about two hours. I didn't have a lot going through my head, I was just awake.  Two sparkly stars kept peeking at me through the blinds...kinda nice.  Had a sad thought, teared up and fell back asleep. 

AF arrived yesterday morning and boy is she here with a vengeance.  Which only makes me feel angry and bitter since now I get to suffer more from the failure of this last cycle. I even mentioned to hubby on Saturday that maybe my test was wrong. I even said I just wish I would start my damn period so it could be official. Now it's here and I'm complaining. sigh.

I have a family BBQ to attend later at my in-laws house. We shall see if I go, I really don't feel up to it at the moment. I need to get out of this funk.  Retail therapy usually helps and I have lots of gift cards to spend. But there are babies and little families everywhere and my heart can't handle that fact right now (as shown by my shopping trip with sis yesterday).  Maybe setting things on fire tonight would be a good thing!  Wishing you a happy 4th.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Last Three Nights....

..have been really rough.  Why is it that when my body is supposed to relax and get rest my brain just won't allow it? This happens a lot, I just don't always find myself crying myself to sleep.

I know my feelings are to be expected. I feel like I am able to put on a brave face and go about life and continue to take steps forward, and we have..pretty big ones too. At night, I feel like I am taking steps back and am wallowing in my sadness.

I really wanted this to work.  I really wanted to be pregnant.  I really want to be a mommy.  I almost feel mad at myself for even having small glimmers of hope during this last wait.  Hubby and I talked about things we never have...what we would need to buy, decided which room to use as a nursery, even talked about the possibility of moving. It was exciting.

I look at my sister's girls and my heart just breaks inside.  I love them SO much and I have always wondered how close our kids would look since we're twins.  I know I will be a mommy someday (however it happens) but I still wonder if I can let go of that biological thing.  I know adoption is wonderful and I know I will love whatever child comes my way wholeheartedly.  My sister and I are living proof.  I guess that feeling will take time to mellow out.  I would ask my mom but I really don't need her input right now.

Hubby mentioned in conversation the other night...he is ready to move on to adoption.  He is ready to leave this nasty IF part of our lives behind.  This has been a rough journey for both of us. I am not the best with the injections, I'm sure that fact didn't help make it easier for him. But as you all know,  feeling like a train wreck on a somewhat monthly basis is awful.  All he can do is support and do what he can to make me feel better and he does.  We handle our emotions very differently.  This is good and sometimes not so good.  I AM ready to move on and as much as I don't have faith in another FET working, I still feel like those are our babies waiting. But at the same time, I just don't know if I can say goodbye and let them go forever if it were to fail again.  I know how hard that LAST cycle would be. Unfortunately for us, it all boils down to the money issue.  Another failed cycle would put us back again and that money could be used for a successful adoption.  They'll be there for us.  Maybe another time.  My body hates me.  My heart hurts.

Hubby has worked the past two days and I am used to having him home.  We haven't had tons of time to talk like we have had these past months.  I think today we will spend together..just ourselves. I really want to start tackling my patio.  It used to be this beautiful, amazing pot garden.  I used to like to think my grandparents, with huge green thumbs, would be proud of me as I was certainly proud of it.  Over the past year or so, I have let it go.  I don't even want to look at's mostly all dead..lovely.  Keeping busy these last few days has been my saving grace.  I know I should just "relax" but I don't want to.  Better busy than staying in bed all day or moping around the house since I have plenty of time to do so.