Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Last Three Nights....

..have been really rough.  Why is it that when my body is supposed to relax and get rest my brain just won't allow it? This happens a lot, I just don't always find myself crying myself to sleep.

I know my feelings are to be expected. I feel like I am able to put on a brave face and go about life and continue to take steps forward, and we have..pretty big ones too. At night, I feel like I am taking steps back and am wallowing in my sadness.

I really wanted this to work.  I really wanted to be pregnant.  I really want to be a mommy.  I almost feel mad at myself for even having small glimmers of hope during this last wait.  Hubby and I talked about things we never have...what we would need to buy, decided which room to use as a nursery, even talked about the possibility of moving. It was exciting.

I look at my sister's girls and my heart just breaks inside.  I love them SO much and I have always wondered how close our kids would look since we're twins.  I know I will be a mommy someday (however it happens) but I still wonder if I can let go of that biological thing.  I know adoption is wonderful and I know I will love whatever child comes my way wholeheartedly.  My sister and I are living proof.  I guess that feeling will take time to mellow out.  I would ask my mom but I really don't need her input right now.

Hubby mentioned in conversation the other night...he is ready to move on to adoption.  He is ready to leave this nasty IF part of our lives behind.  This has been a rough journey for both of us. I am not the best with the injections, I'm sure that fact didn't help make it easier for him. But as you all know,  feeling like a train wreck on a somewhat monthly basis is awful.  All he can do is support and do what he can to make me feel better and he does.  We handle our emotions very differently.  This is good and sometimes not so good.  I AM ready to move on and as much as I don't have faith in another FET working, I still feel like those are our babies waiting. But at the same time, I just don't know if I can say goodbye and let them go forever if it were to fail again.  I know how hard that LAST cycle would be. Unfortunately for us, it all boils down to the money issue.  Another failed cycle would put us back again and that money could be used for a successful adoption.  They'll be there for us.  Maybe another time.  My body hates me.  My heart hurts.

Hubby has worked the past two days and I am used to having him home.  We haven't had tons of time to talk like we have had these past months.  I think today we will spend together..just ourselves. I really want to start tackling my patio.  It used to be this beautiful, amazing pot garden.  I used to like to think my grandparents, with huge green thumbs, would be proud of me as I was certainly proud of it.  Over the past year or so, I have let it go.  I don't even want to look at's mostly all dead..lovely.  Keeping busy these last few days has been my saving grace.  I know I should just "relax" but I don't want to.  Better busy than staying in bed all day or moping around the house since I have plenty of time to do so.


  1. Kelli - My heart is breaking for you - the heartache every month is so draining. It is just so darn hard to have to go through this for something so many people take for granted. Money sucks - and the fact that there are apparently no money trees out there to camp under makes this experience all that much more difficult. I hope that however you decide to proceed brings you peace.

  2. So very sorry that your cycle didn't heartbreaking. Sounds like you are doing really well...sadness is absolutely to be expected.
    I'm really interested in what you're talking about re: adoption and handling IVF. We have 7 frozen embryos and a friend has offered us her one "leftover" IVF embryo for "adoption" and I've always thought we'd go through all 8 embryos before calling the medical stuff quits. But part of me wonders if I can make it through all those procedures, all those drugs and accompanying feeling like I'm not myself, all those letdowns as each cycle doesn't work. Plus the money. This is already our 5th procedure. Right now I'm just trying to take it one step at a time and focus on the cycle at hand. It could work, right?
    Lots of hugs to you during this difficult time. And good luck deciding on next'll be drawn to the right thing...

  3. Hey Kelli - I am so sorry it did not work this time around. Ugh - there is nothing worse than not being able to get to sleep and crying at wee hours in the morning (when you husband is blissfully sound asleep next to you). I hope with each passing day that you will find some clarity on how to move forward. I will be thinking of you. I have my first IVF this month and I am already freaking out about it not working already:) This has got to be the most stressful thing a woman has to go through.