So Excited!

One of the happiest things happened to me on Christmas Eve...Hubby and I announced to our family present on Christmas Eve that we are in the process of adoption!!!  There were tears on my part and by several family members, all were thrilled to hear our news.  One of my Great Aunts told me now she has something else to look forward to next year (well referral at least!) aside from her granddaughter's wedding.  It was so great to FINALLY tell some more family.  I think my Dad, his wife and my Auntie were very happy we finally spilled the beans.  Can't wait to let the rest of our family and friends know.  They will be receiving a New Year's card and letter from us. It feels sooo good!

In adoption news, I have one more section of the essay to complete.  I have spent about hours if not longer on it so far and will need to go back and edit tomorrow morning. I am very anxious to get our application sent off. I was originally hoping tomorrow, but it might end up being Thursday.  Got two of my test results I had been waiting for from my Dr this afternoon and everything else is pretty much done. I will make copies of paperwork.  I also talked with the director again at the placing agency and she was able to clear up a few questions.  I look forward to meeting her in person in the near future, she seems so nice on the phone.

On Christmas my Mother-in-law gave me a card with some gift cards and a check for $500.  On it was written baby gift.  My emotions (already frayed) could not be spared and I got all teary.  I was glad she was there to see my heartfelt reaction and she came over and gave me a big hug.  I am hoping we get some time to sit down with Hubby's parents soon and answer any questions they may have.  They seemed a little quiet about it last night and I felt a little weird about it.

So I survived Christmas.  One of my favorite gifts was a Hallmark Ornament from my sister.  It looks like a shell and is heart shaped.  On it is written "Always remembered. Always in our hearts."   I cried, I loved it and had seen it at the store a few days before. Love you twinnie.

gift tag

Some Very Good News....

and how fitting this is my 100th post...kinda crazy!

  So Hubby and I went to our happy place this Wednesday..you guessed it...Dis.neyland!! Happiest Place on Earth and so chock full of awesome Christmas decorations I may have actually been in Christmas cheer mode for two days!! We had great time and it was a great break from everything we need to do back home (even though I am anxious for that..more in a sec..) Hubby and I talked about how we can't wait to take our little one there. I teared up about that at the park as well. Holy moly....emotion city.  Ahh but happy tears.

Sleeping Beauty's castle...I cry everytime...so beautiful and magical!!

In the clam shell on Ariel's ride. <3

While driving down to Anaheim ...Hubby driving, me playing on my dang phone (cough..FB) and checked my email. I was elated to see an email from our placing agency telling us they had just reviewed our homestudy and other than a few minor changes, it looks good. Whee!!! So our homestudy is sent back to our homestudy agency (who are on vacay til the 3rd! --like me..can't complain too much.....) and they will take care of those few things.  Yay!

Next step is finishing the application...working on the essay tonight.  I had wanted to get that done before, didn't happen with the end of school, so I let it go. Had my doctor's appointment today and more lab work and prefiling with USCIS (paper is almost complete..will be done tonight and we will send it off on Monday). Hubby's dr is also on vacation til the 29th so we can send his document in later. Our placing agency will get everything ready for review, review it and then send us our contract. Once the contract is returned we are all set and will just be waiting for our referral! I am so, so excited and I cannot wait for the day our dreams come true!!

In the meantime, even though I am down in the dumps about Christmas this year and am very much missing my Christmas spirit, I wish you and yours a very Merry one. Or as one of my students wished me "a Very, Merry, Happy Holiday"

A hard 24 hours

I have found a bit of a sad spot. I cried myself to sleep last night.  I am blaming it on the imminent arrival of AF, not feeling the best and stress from work.  And even though I'm not counting weeks I still am very aware or what could have been and what could have been going on.  I have two girlfriends that are pregnant and one found out last month she's having a boy and the other finds out this week if I remember right. She is the one that was just ahead of us. I can't wait to hear what she is having and how she is doing.  I miss her and wish I could rub her belly....it doesn't help she moved to Idaho and I haven't seen her in ages!!!! 

Today I attended the baby shower of yet another pregnant teacher at school.  Even though I haven't felt like going to any of the "recent" showers at school, I have gone to every single one because I felt like I should go. Today I may have changed my mind for the time being.  I fought hard to keep the tears from pouring out (more than once and even had to wipe them out at one point so they wouldn't stream). I think our librarian noticed. She randomly started talking to me about our upcoming vacation.  Thank god for her and the call numbers to stare at. Unfortunately that only lasted a few minutes. I can't explain how I felt today. I have been thinking about it all evening and I think, perhaps, that even with the sometimes tough emotions of previous baby showers, I have not been to one where it feels out of my league.  I know this isn't "true" but today I sure felt it.

One and half more days...I can do it!  And then I can focus on our adoption paperwork. I have an essay to write! Took my insurance paper to the district office today (she'll have it tomorrow) and even talked to our lady about leave.  Got some great ideas to work on over the next year regarding subs and long term sub plans.  That lady is so sweet and patient and has already helped us out so much.

Off to make my kids their "non-Christmas" presents. Hehe...it's a two night process. I make the same thing every year and love them.

I'll end with a kidism....the other day we had our first rainy day lunch recess which equals a movie. I grabbed Frosty the Snowman since it's fitting right?? Well it's a VHS and apparently not only was it not rewound (shocker!) but my VCR is dying. It took forever to rewind and I kept stopping it expecting it to be at the end. After the third try one of my kids tells me "Mrs. __, you should get On Demand...it always works!" hehehe

4 More days...

til Winter break!!! I know I shouldn't brag, but whoohoo! I am very much looking forward to the break. These past few weeks have been interesting....life is always this way. I'll see if I feel like getting into the friend drama but I could vent for a long while.....so onto the good stuff!

  We got the best news last Wednesday....as we were approved by Korea for our placing agency to work with us!! Even though I couldn't see any reason they wouldn't there was a teeny voice inside saying, "well..what if they said no. Then what?"  But thankfully, that wasn't the case. I had followed up on Tuesday and the agency sent a message to Korea. The next morning we received an email with a note saying Korea approved us and apologized for taking so long (3 weeks).  We received some more paperwork to complete, some of which we already did for our homestudy agency and I am clearing up which of those do and do not need to be redone.  Many of the documents we need are already done, so I am hoping this round of paperwork will be pretty quick.  I printed all the documents on Wednesday and now we are just trying to get through them as quick as we can. I have contacted our insurance and am waiting to hear back. My goal is to be done with all of it before the new year.  And since I have 2 weeks off, we should be golden.  We got a few done last night, which I feel really good about.

  I am anxious to share our news with our friends and family. Most of them have no idea about anything we have gone through, just immediate and close friends (and of course the family who gossip!!).  I was waiting to hear our official approval and now that we have it I am just trying to figure it all out.  This has been something we have wanted for so long, I want to put some thought into our announcement!

  I have also been thinking about some ways to fund raise and whether or not it's a good idea.  I feel guilty asking for "help".  Here are a few of my ideas....yard sale (asking friends and family to donate items to sell), opening an et.sy shop (which I think I would enjoy a lot and it would give me some fire for my creative juices), maybe coffee (need to look into that, but I have seen other people do this). What do you guys think? Any other ideas? I need to do some more researching.

  This weekend was my niece's 4th birthday party.  I can't believe what a little lady she is. She is such a smart and artistic bean.  Hubby and I helped my twinnie out as she was quite stressed so we stayed behind to cook soup (chicken noodle and french onion) and decorate. Fun! Hubby found these round, colorful lanterns and we hung streamers (pink and purple) and Hubby bought a dozen balloons. I think I was most excited about the entrance way....I cut streamers and placed them in a pattern hanging down in the hall.  =0)  My twinnie snapped some photos, I'll see if she can send me some.

Me and Big C on her birthday, December 7th

Liebster Blog

Just in time for the holiday season, there is some serious blog love circulating the blogosphere!


Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved." It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement. So, this award is to share with those blogs that you love to love... you know... the ones that you can't wait to see a new post from because some how, some way, the blogger seems to always put words to things in a way that touch deeply to the core of us. 

Thank you so much to Amy for the nomination! 

Just as much as I wanted to keep the award for myself, there are certain rules that are to be followed:

• Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
• Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
• Copy and paste the award on your blog
• Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

So here are my nominations!! I apologize if some of these are repeats!! I do so enjoy reading your journeys and am so thankful for your support!!


1. M over at A Fine Mess
2. E over at Dreaming of Babies
3. Maria over at MISSION:Fertile Seoul
4. Waiting & Wishing over at Waiting & Wishing
5. JustHeather over at BattleFish

Overdue

Thanks for the nice supportive comments, I can't wait to fill you in on the next steps. I am currently being sucked dry with school and some major issues with another friend...wtf? I haven't had this much ish since middle school. I'll try to get on here tomorrow. Thinking of you all and crossing fingers for you ladies who had transfers today! oxo

I Have the Best...

Social Worker ever!!! Mrs. S has completed the draft of our homestudy since our last meeting a week ago! I am truly amazed and touched she was able to (and willing) to work so hard on our homestudy over the long holiday weekend. What an amazing woman!! She sent us the draft to check for errors (which I got teary through a part or two) and we have already sent it back to her. We are one step closer to our referral!! I couldn't be happier at the moment!

Thanks to Amy for the Liebster Award. I promise to do my part soon. oxo

This morning I had a note wedged in my classroom door. I have to tell you, my heart initially dropped because I assumed it was from a student's family who has been having trouble. But...it wasn't! *phew* It was a letter from an old Kindergarten student of mine who had moved away when she was in second grade ( I also had her younger sister!) I felt very touched that this now fifth grader had popped by to drop me a note. I will definitely be sending her mail since she left her mailing address. What a sweet way to start my morning.

Hope your week is off to a roaring start. I am already counting down the days til winter break.

Cheers!

Leftovers

Thanksgiving was very low key.  I was thankful it was because I actually wasn't in much of a thankful kind of mood. Horrified to find fleas on my cat the night before...ew. Much better now....so thankful for Frontl.ine and flea combs. I used to get more satisfaction with the task of coming the nasty little critters out of pet fur...now I find it disgusting. I used to be able to pull them off the comb with my fingers...not so much now.  I used a piece of ripped paper to knock em into my container of hot soapy water. I only managed to get 7...one off my bed (it was dying but still....) My cat is quite well groomed right now and I am hopeful our flea problem is almost done. Mad at myself for forgetting to get the flea meds from Twinnie...who offered me hers weeks ago when we found fleas on the dogs. We have lived here for almost 5 years and we haven't had flea issues in a long while. All the ones I found today (4) were dead...I think one got away.

Wow..back to Thanksgiving.......my Mom and Grandma came up. Hubby made a lovely turkey and green bean casserole. I made my sister's potato dish...except I slightly undercooked the potatoes...oops. So they weren't quite the same but lemons and capers make many things great!! We ate and visited and I tried giving them an update on the adoption.And later we watched some of Harry Potter after my pups put on a mini fashion show.

Let me premise this rant by saying...I love my mom. I haven't told my mom everything in detail, just most of it.  Mainly because I get frustrated. This is why.  It seems my mom likes to know a lot about everything.  I'm not saying she doesn't but I don't always appreciate her trying to always have the last word. And if it's something she doesn't know about or isn't sure about she'll say something anyways..like "Oh, I thought it was something like that."  I've noticed that she also seems to turn lots of conversations back to her.  And if she did it to my sister with breastfeeding advice (remember, we are adopted and were not breastfed) she is certainly going to town with our adoption process. Actually, my irritation started with the infertility treatments, I would say something and she would rattle off an "I know, it's hard" or talk about her injections she was getting at the time.  I wish I didn't feel so frustrated and I know she's upset that I'm not telling her things. I literally could feel myself fighting over my words at the table yesterday. I wanted to tell them everything and instead just gave the overview.  I know we will need to have a discussion about this but I am not one for confrontations and I don't want to cause a bigger issue.  Things got really bad with my mom after my parents separated and divorced and I don't want to go back to anything remotely close to those days.

Anyways...we did not do any crazy black Friday shopping. I slept in since I was up really late with a migraine/sinus headache. I had a weird dream about being transferred to another school in my district (even though the school in my dream looked nothing like it). Odd.  We returned some things to some small shops and did a teensy bit of shopping. Nothing big.  I told Hubby I think this might be another rough holiday....but we shall see.

In an attempt to get myself into the holiday spirit, we put up our Christmas tree. I'll post a pic of it later.  While decorating we "watched" and I sung and spat off lines to one of my most favorite Christmas movies...The Muppet Christmas Carol. Ahh, love it.  Here's one of my favorite songs!:

Gobble, Gobble!

I have a lot to be thankful for this year...a wonderful family, loving Hubby, great friends, a warm home, furry critters, a job which I love, etc., etc. I am thankful for this community and for you.  Most of all I am thankful to have something wonderful to look forward to now and in the sometime near future. I do want to acknowledge the fact that another holiday rolls by and I am without something I really want...a child to share our love with.  Hubby and I went shopping yesterday at the mall and I think I held back stinging tears twice seeing families. I even said how I can't wait to "cry" tears because I can't wait to be like that family...and I do feel that way. But I know I'm not quite 100% there yet and my tears are more for my jealousy and sadness of what I currently can't have(grrr..go away yucky feelings). I want to hold my child and I want to see their little nose and wipe their tears. Sometimes I don't feel sad and some days I do.  A friend I was introduced to on an online group found out her little one no longer had a heartbeat today and I am reading of some of you lovelies out there dealing with similar pain. It makes me angry and sad for you (and me) and I wish things weren't so hard. Sending love to you all.


 I forgot to mention two things on Monday's post.

1.To celebrate our final homestudy we had Korean food for dinner. Seriously, I think it was the 3rd, maybe 4th time I have ever eaten it.  I am Korean by birth but I never ate it growing up.  I have got to up my spicy food intake and I felt embarrassed when the lady assumed I would want spicy sauce of my hot pot and I quickly said no. I never added any...but did add in kimchee. Little by little...I did enjoy it though and I'm happy it's close to home. Can't wait to take my sister there!

2. After dinner my common thread bracelet fell off.  I noticed it was loose a day or two ago but didn't think it would have fallen off. Hubby thought it was kind of monumental since we just finished our homestudy.  Crazy huh? I will tell you I cried a few tears and insisted on making a new one...my wrist looks funny without it and IF will be a part of my life forever. Not that I will wear it forever, but I think I still need it now.

Here is today's yesterday's news.. we paid the rest of our homestudy fees and the country admin fee. We also got some clarification from our placing agency on what Mrs. S (our social worker) should put in our homestudy for the age of child(ren) we would like to adopt...0-18 months at time of referral.  Hopefully, this puts us past the age of having to redo some of paperwork, but we shall see. We also applied to refinance our mortgage which was not a part of today's plan (neither was our original drive by attempt to reorder checks) but it happened (and took forever..."10-15 minutes my ass"....try an hour and 15!) and we are thankful. It's something we have been wanting to do and couldn't for whatever reasons. We ended the night by eating cereal for dinner (hah!) and went and watched The Muppets, which I loved. Ahh, I love good days.

I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving, fairly pain free and full of yummy food. Ours will be very low key with my Mom and Grandma. Cheers to you!

Happy ICLW!!

I am excited to be a part of this month's ICLW..I think I haven't participated the last two times or so since it's timing was not the best with my schedule (ie conferences last month!) and I knew I would be a sucky participant. But I have the week off this week due to two furlough days and Thanksgiving break. So welcome any new readers and cheers to those bloggy friends who are already here.  The last few months have been hard and I am so thankful I have had you all to lean on.  This community continues to amaze me.

Just a brief summary of us. Hubby and I met in 2001 and were married in 2006.  I am a Kindergarten teacher and my Hubby owns and operates Halloween stores. Started trying for a baby in spring of '08 and this led us to our IF clinic in August of '09.  We did 5 IUI's all with BFN's in the next year. In August of '10 we did out first fresh IVF which ended with a BFN. We did two rounds of FET, the first one with a BFN and the last one with our first ever BFP!!! We sadly miscarried around 8 weeks due to a blighted ovum.  During our battle with IF we also started our journey with international adoption. In the summer of 2010 we went to our first orientation with an adoption agency.  We met with two others and decided on our homestudy agency in March of this year.  Since then we have completed all four of our homestudies....our fourth and final was today (and it went super!!)  We are using a placing agency in Arizona and I cannot be more excited about the future.


The next few months and weeks will certainly be exciting and busy. I hope you'll stick around to see what's next for us!

A friend of mine posted this on her FB and I love it and thought I would share.  oxo to all of you!

Whoo!

Today Hubby drove all of our completed papers to our homestudy agency.  I loved hearing the excitement in his voice when I called and he said "We're ready to rock-and-roll!" A handshake, some kind words and we're all set on the paperchase front for our final homestudy on Monday.

Earlier this evening we celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday at an Indian restaurant. I need to up my tolerance of spicy food. yikes. But quite yummy and the restaurant had some cool style....fiber optic lights and glitter walls!!

After arriving home, I was able to read my letters of references. I had read all but three as of last night. I cried reading them again and I feel so fortunate to have such wonderful friends who were more than willing to write us a letter.

I am more than thrilled. We are one huge step closer to building our family!! The next few weeks and months will be filled with many emotions and I am so glad I have you to share them with.

Frustration and Checklists and Joy.

To start with Friendsgiving was a success!! Yummy food and good times with friends. Such a fun idea, hopefully next year we will repeat! But of course my fun day can't go by without some upset...so please don't mind my rant to follow.....or if you do...please skip!

Friendsgiving...minus my bestie..she's taking the pic!

 You may remember my friend/co-worker whom with I had some big problems earlier this year. To recap, she blamed me for losing friendships because of my difficulty with her pregnancy. In my defense, I really felt like time was all I needed.  It felt as though things were getting better. I went to her baby shower (which was awful for me) and visited after the baby was born.  She texted me about the miscarriage and then proceeded to not text me back when I answered her.  She didn't send me a baby announcement.  I saw her a week before her leave ended and I will admit it was awkward..I said hi to baby but for some reason couldn't really talk with her. I even texted her last weekend, telling her how I was thinking of her since her maternity leave was ending and I knew she would be sad. This past week was odd, didn't see her much between her pump sessions and leaving right after school was over.

Anyways....after our glorious Friendsgiving, she sent me and another friend of mine a message on fac.ebook (damn thing!) saying she was de-friending us since she was "sick of feeling hurt and sad over your posts/pictures" and that she's accepted that we are colleagues and not true to the word friends anymore but she can't help feeling hurt by our posts/pictures.  I have told Hubby that I am so over all of this many times before. I am, but at the same time I am hurt and upset.  If I don't even qualify to be her fb friend then I guess it's pretty bad.  I did think about inviting her but as two of the people in the room really wouldn't want to be with her and I don't think she would have wanted to either. I guess maybe I should have invited her, but I really didn't think she would come.  I wish she could just give me a break. Please just let me adjust to your comments about sleep deprivation or having to pump. I wonder if she even knew how I cringed when I found out our first beta was on her due date and how relieved I was her son was born 2 days earlier.  I didn't want to have an event to tie another disappointment to.  I wonder if she has really thought how hard this has been for me. I don't want her sympathy. I just wish she could "see" why this has been hard for me.  Everyone's pregnancy is hard for me, not just hers. I cried more around Halloween since that was supposed to be our biggest first milestone...12 weeks and the end of another season. Seeing families at restaurants or out and about is hard for me. I have two friends who are due in April and May. I already know those will be very difficult to swallow since I should be celebrating milestones with them.  But I'm not and I am trying not to dwell on those sad feelings. I have bright things to look ahead to but this shit has reared it's ugly head again and it makes me sad. I'm sad that to her our friendship is over and although I can say it wasn't at all close to perfect I was still hoping it was fixable.  I have tears falling now.

On to happier things....Adoption updates.....lots of things being checked off for our homestudy. We have almost all of our documents notarized... all 4 reference letters to be notarized on Thursday.  Medical papers are completed and notarized. I went on Monday and took care of mine, Hubby went back today to have his TB test looked at and his papers notarized. I (finally) have my employment verification papers notarized  I am hoping to get things to the agency on Thursday afternoon. I also received an affidavit today to use my passport as a replacement for my Korean birth certificate which I sadly have no clue where mine is. Obtaining a copy is not as simple as a US replacement.  I will contact the Korean Embassy in D.C. in the near future so I can actually look at a real copy one day...I know it's in a box somewhere!!  We will notarize the affidavit on Thursday as well. Homestudy is Monday evening.

I spoke with our agency's program coordinator for a chunk on Friday and we have decided to use the placing agency in Arizona.  I still look at the other placing agency's waiting children in Minnesota but we know traveling to Arizona from California is much easier for any events we may want to attend in the future. Also, our homestudy agency is quite familiar with them and that helps things along as well. I have no connections to either but our hearts (and minds!) are telling us this is the better option.  They are both friendly and I have had more phone contact with the Arizona agency than Minnesota.  Some news...Korea is raising their fee to help with their foster care costs and so the placing agency is raising their fees as well..total $4300.  But that's what it is and why is another story. BUT are you ready for the best news??!!  Referral time for us is just a few months away!! Most likely no more than 6 months *crossing fingers!*  When I talked to the agency a few weeks ago she had told me about 2 months for a boy and longer for a girl. We cannot specify a gender (and we don't mind either way!). Wheee! I am so thrilled and stoked that I may be indeed planning a big trip this summer to Korea and Japan. Unfortunately, not to pick up our child but to sight see, submerse ourselves in and learn more about Korean culture and visit my dear friend in Japan.  And hopefully get to meet and visit with our little baby, since he or she will still be a "little" baby.  I have stated before I can't pass up the opportunity to meet our little one as soon as possible.  When we travel to take our baby home it is possible he or she will be 15 months and older, since travel time is estimated 12 months from referral.  I can't wait til the moment we meet.

I think I will go to bed and dream about our upcoming travels. My days at school are getting rougher with my new student and I need to be rested so I don't break down at school while "trying" to teach.

Leaving you with a photo of my happy buns....Frank (black and white) and Gerty (grey).

Having a Lady & the Tramp moment....

  Hugs to all of you!!!! oxo

Preparations

Wow. First of all, I am exhausted!! First week of extended day for my kinders with an increasingly difficult new student and lots of emotions this week, make for a very tired me! I commented to Hubby earlier.."It's ONLY 11:15?! It feels like 3am!" (and I might as well mentioned, I passed out on the couch for a good 40 minutes!) Hooray for a 3 day weekend....for which I am uber excited for.

On the adoption front, yesterday Hubby had his physical and will go in on Monday for his labs.  I went in today and lucky me (thank you IF) I have had all of my labs done over the last two years to cover all the tests. I don't need any pokes at all and I find it just a smidgen funny.  These forms need to be notarized and my papers are in the medical office until I go next week to have them notarized by my FIL (who is notarizing our documents to help us save money).  Although this saving has been a thorn in my side the last few weeks.

Originally today was supposed to be a deep cleaning day. Our 4th and final homestudy (!!) is now going to be on the 21st instead of the 14th due to paperwork needing to be notarized.  Hopefully, my FIL will follow through and we will have it all done by mid week. So, we get an extra week to finish a few things (like our remodeled, almost finished upstairs bathroom) since beginning Sunday, Hubby should be done with all the physical store stuff!! Double hooray!!!  I am really happy to be moving along with our adoption. It is nice to have something to look forward to and feel excited about again.  Today I sent in paperwork to the placing agency we will most likely be using. I have a phone appointment tomorrow with our homestudy agency to firm up our decision, although it is most likely already made!

We are also having our first (hopefully annual!) Friendsgiving on Saturday.  I don't know about you, but there is something special about cooking holiday foods and I always want to share with friends.  However, for obvious reasons, everyone is always busy those days! So I thought this year I would invite my dearest friends over to my home and we would have our own Thanksgiving.....Friendsgiving it is! I have a lot to be thankful for and their friendship has been so meaningful these last few years, especially the last few months. I truly don't know where I would be if these ladies weren't around to pick me up off the floor.

In the morning, I am watching my nieces until early afternoon since their daycare/preschool is closed. Lucky me! I got a three minute hug/snuggle from my youngest one on Wednesday night. I haven't spent as much time with them recently, I have been so busy with school. Time to change that back! I simply adore these girls, they are my loves.

My nieces Little P and Big C at Muir Woods earlier this fall.

Back to Zero

....and I thought I would be happier about that little number. I was surprised when I started crying, part relief and part sadness. I realize that (for now) this is the end of a very long and rough journey.  But a beautiful dream has been floating along with us on that journey and I know it's time to make it come true.

Holy Crap..update!

I can't believe it has been such a long time since my last post. A lot has happened since then and I have tried to at least read some of your blogs and haven't been the best. Lots of things going on with you, thanks for stopping by and leaving some kinds words, those I did see. oxo

So since my last post I started having what I thought was another round of Monday's bleeding. Turned out not to but was scary anyways. A very good friend of mine offered to drive to the rink where hubby was playing ice hockey (it was in a another nearby city, she lives there) since I thought it was starting again. Phew. I have had two beta's: 10/10 368 down from 7364, 10/24 10...almost there) and I go back tomorrow for the last one. I have never wanted something to be zero more in my entire life.  I am so ready to move past all this. U/s this week, I am hoping for Tuesday.

Speaking of moving on, I am doing pretty good.  It was really hard for me at first and it gets easier everyday. I think I felt as if I really didn't have much to say.  I am bitter about it still....it doesn't seem fair but then again none of this IF shit does.  I still cry and in fact I cried last night. I am so relieved that Halloween is over which means the stores are in the process of being packed up for next year. It also means that Hubby will be around more and our life can slowly return back to normal.

My life has been (sadly) centered around school. I just finished conferences last week (two no shows!!) but my life has consisted of comments and report cards for the last two weeks. I also received a new student (another boy!-that makes 15) who is very difficult due to a horrific life so far. My heart goes out for him but he is making teaching very difficult. My best gals took me to Disn.eyland the weekend of the 21st and that was an interesting weekend. Lots of fun but it had a really rough start thanks to my FIL. But that's another post..I have to think about posting it.  Halloween in Kindergarten is lots of fun. My classroom looked killer with tissue paper ghosts everywhere.  I realized I never posted a pic of my classroom, so here you go!

tissue paper Kindergarten ghost creations....love them!

Halloween setup in room K1!

  We are excited to move forward with our international adoption with Korea.  I emailed our social worker to find out if she had found out if the agency was going to have us wait 3 or 6 months after our last cycle.  We initially told her it wasn't successful and then my conscience made me feel dishonest and we told her everything the next day about our last round. She was still okay with pursuing the 3 month wait and it was approved by our homestudy agency!! And to make it more exciting we have our 4th homestudy set for next Monday!! I am waiting to hear if we need to reschedule it, since we are still in the process of collecting paperwork.  If any of you know how to get a copy of a Korean birth certificate, please let me know! I have looked online and can't find much. I have an email into the agency for more ideas, next is calling the consulate.  Our four reference letters are in process (two are done, just waiting to be notarized this week) and the other two should be done by Friday.

Off to bed....up early for labs and my first day of extended day with my kiddos.  Why do I have a feeling I will come home and crash (after my meeting of course!).... Hooray for a short week!
 

In the Midst

Monday afternoon my miscarriage began.  Thank god I had just finished writing sub plans for a just in case. Went to the bathroom and freaked out because there was "so much blood"....hah little did I know that was nothing. Left, drove home (clinging the steering wheel and trying to breathe through cramping) and totally bled through my super absorbent pad on the way home. And there was so much blood I felt like a liar before. I was also 100% grossed out at what was coming out of my body. Killer cramps and so much blood. Thank goodness my twinnie left work as soon as I called and was at my home as soon as she could.  It's nice to have someone take care of your bloody ass pads so you can avoid looking at the mess and not mind because she loves you so.  She also had vico.din which scored her some major brownie points. The worst was over Monday night and now I am on to just the regular stuff. I need to email the Dr and find out exactly when I go in next, because I really can't remember what he said exactly at our last meeting. Stayed home yesterday and slept basically the whole dang day and still went to bed last night exhausted.

Our rainy, fall weather is here and although I am not sure how long it will last, it kinda matches my mood right now. Kind of ho hum and cold. Maybe it will be sunny again next week.

The beginning of the End

I am just okay right now. The last few days have been rough and some moments are better than others. I swear there are a million babies and why is it they stick out more when you are hurting?!

I was asked twice on Friday by strangers if I had kids. Wtf? I cried the second time. I cried going to get my sweet niece from her nap. Everything feels sad and hard to swallow. I've cried too much these past few  days and slept more.

Thank you for your comments. I so appreciate your care and support. I feel better knowing I have you to share this with. Thank you.

I have been fearing this miscarriage. I have no idea what to expect and I think it's beginning. I've been spotting off and on since Friday but with old blood. This afternoon I began spotting with some red blood and nastiness when I wipe. (sorry!) I really don't want to go to work but I have used up so many of my personal days already. I have lesson plans set so I can call in if need be. One downside of teaching-you just can't call in...sub plans/prep must be done. Sometimes it's easier just to go in.

I really wish Hubby was around more. Go figure it's his busy time. I feel like we haven't had time to really talk. It makes me feel bad and sad. Last night was rough. Maybe this week. He says we'll get through this. I know we will, it will just take time.

Remembering my necklace...I can do hard things.

As of Last night I...

am 100% medicine free. I did not have to have a PIO shot.  This is me trying to be positive. Here's the truth.

Yesterday sucked completely.  We had our second u/s and arrived at the clinic at 8:30. The receptionist had a smile on her face as she was walking back to her desk. She said "I'm excited for you!" She asked if this was out first u/s (she wasn't there last week) and I told her no, we had one last week and it didn't go so well. She then said something about how she hopes it goes well today and how much we deserve this. Very sweet. We didn't get into a room until 9:20 ish.  They were pretty busy. Dr. looked and confirmed my worst fear. No yolk sac, no heartbeat = no baby. Blighted ovum. Even after me asking if there was a chance there was something growing very slowly, his answer was pretty much the same. He did say some couples like to go another week on meds but he said it would be false hope.  We talked about a few more things. After he left the room, we just cried for a few minutes and held each other.  I hate seeing my Hubby upset and this is where he stopped talking.

Calmed down enough to meet Dr in his office. He apologized again and explained to us what would be happening next. Stop all meds, even prenatals. Hopefully (I guess that's the right word) I miscarry on my own. Otherwise I need to pick a day where I won't be going anywhere to insert 4 more magic pills up my hoohah to make me miscarry two hours later. Great. I'm already dreading all of it.  He explained how our embryo was "doomed" (no, he didn't say this) from the beginning and was the way it was going to be before it was even frozen. He said its unfortunate how there is not technology to check the embryos before transfer to see how they are.  I'll be going in for another u/s in a few weeks to make sure everything is gone and also do another blood test. Apparently it can take up to five weeks for it to go back down to nothing.  He also asked my Hubby if he was okay since he hadn't said a word, he just nodded.

I wanted to come home and post. I even thought about it last night but my heart just couldn't do it.  After leaving we just came home and cried for a bit more. I asked Hubby in the car if he was mad at me since he wasn't saying anything....which obviously wasn't true. It just felt weird. We actually went to lunch and I even ordered a Coke and an item I haven't had for a long while because of my diet. It didn't taste as good as it should have. Oh well.  I didn't tell any of my family until around noon or so, when I called my Twinnie at work. She cried with me on the phone.  She already knew it was bad news since I hadn't called her earlier. I was surprised she hadn't texted me, but she said she was trying to give us time if we needed it.

The hardest part about yesterday was having to tell my family and close friends. I realize I didn't have to but since they all knew and were wondering.  My Grandma sobbed and sobbed, so hard. I also was asked if I was going to work tomorrow a few times. My response, "I can't afford to sit at home and cry." Although, my principal emailed me back and said I might consider taking a few days off.

Hubby processes things different than me. And in most cases it's a good thing because he helps keep me balanced.  It's hard for me to see him upset and he is most definitely entitled.  He's hurt too and yesterday he was able to stay home with me versus having to go into work.  He did talk about us just trying on our own. I wasn't about to burst his bubble, so I just listened.  He seems to be hopeful that since I was able to get pregnant maybe we can do it now. I don't think I'm on the same page.  Last night he seemed more his usual self and before I went to bed at 10, he told me "We're going to be okay." 

I think I was just starting to feel my hopes go up. I had taken a HPT on Tuesday morning which obviously showed a BFP. I even had the stupid thought that maybe our Dr would tell us we were having twins on the u/s.  How could I have even thought  that??  I knew what my betas were.  The dreams I just started forming about bringing home a newborn have been interrupted.. And the dreams of having a baby between Hubby and I are pretty much a lost hope, at least for me and at least for now. But I also know we will be a family someday.

I looked up blighted ovum on the internet since I needed to. Now it seems like I wasn't really truly "pregnant" since technically I was probably already as far as I would get a few days after transfer.  So all those times I told Hubby "I can't believe there's a baby in there" it was actually true.  My heart is so hurt and I know this will be difficult.  But "I can do hard things" and this might be one of the hardest things yet.

Sorry for the long post. I woke up from weird dream at four and decided I needed to do this. Today is going to be a hellish day. Please let my kiddos be kind to me and please let me be patient enough to not blow up or fall apart.

I'm not missing...

I'm still here and keeping up with your blogs.

Life is keeping me busy and technology can bite my PIO'd ass (sometimes anyways!) Here are my excuses for not posting and sucking at ICLW:
~Migraine #2...what am I going to do?!? I take prescription meds and I have had two in two weeks. I seriously jinxed myself by telling someone I hadn't had one this whole last cycle. boo.
~still have a house guest (and may have one for a bit longer, so time spent with her)
~laptop would not let me post....too tired to go into the other room to use the PC
~I can comment on blogs but cannot post from my phone
~I was out of the house all weekend...a very good thing. =0)

So there you have it. But honestly, I don't have a lot to say.  I'm trying to not worry for Wednesday's appointment. But will need to do sub plans tomorrow.  I had an acupuncture session today and I will call my Dr. after our appointment to let him knows what's going on.  The acupuncturist that did my needles today said my pulse was okay and to just wait to hear what my Dr. says on Wednesday. So of course my mind worried about her comment for a few minutes and then I dropped it. No point right?

Tonight my goal is to get through my tub of fun (ugh...way too much school work for a Monday night) and do some ICLW commenting.

Beta Update

So I got some good news today. Phew.....taking a deep breath.  Thank you all for your supportive comments, I really appreciated reading them this morning. Dr called my hubby and hubby came by school to tell me. I was in a meeting (after school) so he just whispered it to me. Beta today was 7300 so our Dr was fine with those numbers with what he saw (or didn't see yesterday). He said the baby is late but it wasn't uncommon or rare.

I will go in for an u/s next week. I need to touch base with my principal since my Dr is on vacation and is only in the clinic for transfers so it will either be Monday or Wednesday morning.  I feel better knowing our numbers are okay and in the meantime I will wait for next week to roll around.

I had three meetings after school today. I was very thankful the last one ended a half hour early.  I came home and passed out on the couch for an hour. 

Hugs to all of you!! Your support means so much to me. oxo

Utrasound

I was really nervous leading up and going into the u/s. And now I guess I had reason to be. :0(

My Dr. started with handshakes and by explaining what we should see and so we began.  He also told us where we were at, 6 weeks 3 days, farther than we have ever (ever!) been.  He didn't turn the screen right away and I wondered. 

So I have a pregnancy sac but he wasn't able to find a yolk sac or a heartbeat.  I tried really hard to not burst into tears on the table. He looked and looked and magnified but there didn't seem to be anything there. He did say he hopes there was something hiding up in the corner he was just unable to see today. But I am measuring small....sac was 6mm.....he said the baby itself should be 6mm.  And the pregnancy sac should be about three times what it was. However, he also said he has seen IVF patients who have embryos that start late....let's hope this is just a late bloomer. Have any of you heard or gone through the same kind of thing?

Off to the lab we went for another beta. We will find out tomorrow what the numbers look like.  Hoping they are in the thousands and we can go for another u/s next week. Otherwise it doesn't sound so promising. 

I'm also a little frustrated because Hubby is trying to remain positive and basically told me to stop worrying as we were walking to the car from the clinic.  Needless to say it really pissed me off.  I understand what he's trying to do for me and it took all in my to yell at him that I have every right to cry!!!!!  It's more or less fine now.  I'm done with the crying until bed I am sure.

I came home, went to my room, cried and passed out. I am so tired and so frustrated.  Why does IF have to suck so much and be so damn difficult? Again, trying not to over think anything.

Tomorrow will be fun as I have three meetings after school. One I have to do (volunteer meeting for our parents at school) and then I can run and check my phone for messages. Depending on what I hear I may skip out on the other two. We shall see.

Before we went in I was thinking about the picture I would get to take home today.  I actually saw a patient leave the clinic with two in her hand.  I will hope and dream tonight that I can take home mine next week.

Catching up!!

I have been super busy since my last post... eeek!  We had back to school night on Wednesday, so my week prior to that was spent getting ready for BTSN.  And I have had a house guest since Thursday night.  Saturday morning I went to a local parade with my bestie, her hubby and their daughter.  It was nice, very low key and pretty long. We didn't stay for the whole thing but enjoyed ourselves. We also learned we need to be on the main street since the bands were done playing when they got to us!  Later that evening, I went to Carmel with some friends and spent the night at a friend's house. We went to the beach on Sunday morning for a bit and just enjoyed the sun and the beautiful weather!  Yesterday, hubby and I went to my cousin's house for dinner and were able to visit and see their new home. It was a nice weekend.

So here is my most recent exciting news...as of today, I am predni.sone free!!!!!!!!!!!!  Unfortunately, my face seems to be very swollen and puffy (much to my disgrace this past Thursday, picture day!) but I am thankful that perhaps it was my key to actually getting pregnant.  I just Dr. Googled it again and saw that easy bruising is another side effect.  hmm...I have lots of bruises right now and in the past few weeks.  That could explain it.  I also just realized that my rosac.ia has some little bumps on it...maybe it's from the puffyness? Any of you ladies have the same issue with pred?

I am so, so thrilled that we are actually pregnant.  It still seems so surreal but I am hoping I will feel better after our u/s tomorrow.  I am nervous and so afraid of what could happen. But I am trying to NOT think about that and just relax a bit and just focus on being excited about it instead of nervous. (Not sure how well that will work!..trying!) Still doing acupuncture and paid for 10 more sessions, since they give you a bit of a break if you do (buy 10, get 1 free) so it breaks it down to about $61.50 a session instead of $67.50.  I took another HPT on Wednesday night and made Hubby stand there and watch it change.  It's so magical....to actually see it change. So freakin cool.  I have one more, not sure when I will do it. I am excited to hear what our next steps are going to be. 

PIO shots are beginning to suck more and more.  I feel like we are running out of non-sore spots and once the needle goes in it feels as though all my muscle is bruised in there.  But, since we inject so slowly, I have hardly any lumps! It's just sore, which is to be expected.

Went into one of Hubby's stores this weekend.  It looked fantastic and very spooky since the lights aren't too bright inside.  I was being introduced around and one of the girls looks at me and says.."Oh yeah, congratulations on the baby!"  She totally caught me off guard since no one is supposed to know (thank you manager for opening your yap to apparently everyone in the store!!!) and I managed to mutter a thank you. I was so pissed!! I really don't want perfect strangers (at least to me..) knowing right now. I mean come on!! I told Hubby and asked him to talk to the manager (who has already bought us our first baby gifts...very sweet of her, she knew we have been doing IVF) and she said she didn't realize she shouldn't say anything. hmmm, I kinda thought it was common knowledge to wait awhile. guess not. But at least I can laugh at it, since my face probably projected the look of not being very happy.  I wonder if she thinks this pregnancy was an accident. HAH!!

I am feeling pretty much as normal as can be.  I am tired but I can't tell if it's just from being busy with work and life or from the pregnancy. Maybe both, who knows.  I don't feel sick or anything yet, which I am thankful for as well.  My twinnie had easy pregnancies, but since our bodies are obviously not the same when it comes to baby making, we shall see!  My boobs are the only thing that is a real symptom for me....yikes. Very full and quite bodacious...ooh la la. I have to wear a bra or sports bra all the time.  My hands and feet seems to not be as hot anymore...although last week I was hanging onto table legs or anything else cool on Monday during library. We are having an indian summer here this week, although the grocery clerk told me it's supposed to rain next week.

Off to catch up on your blogs!!! Goodnight!!!

552!

And the numbers go up and I am feeling really good about it!!! No more lab work for a bit I guess. Not sure of the next one so I guess I will hear more at our u/s next week!! Most likely I will email my nurse just to double check and see. She left me a message today and I saw no reason to call her back.  

My sweet friend bought me a "congrats on baby" gift....a garnet Mickey head necklace. So very sweet of her.  So I currently am wearing it along with my "I can do hard things" necklace which has honestly gotten me through a lot these last few months.  What a very nice thing. I am so lucky to have such supportive friends.

My bff called me this morning at 7 am and I was all done with my blood draw ( I got to the lab a little after 6:30 and basically walked in..apparently it isn't usually so quiet and I beat the rush).  It was nice to chat with her for a bit on her way to school and while I was in line for a blueberry bagel. yumm-o.

Today was a long day but I am very happy with the news.  Off to enjoy some time with my nieces.  Since they were in Disne.yland this weekend I have missed them so.

Thinking..

I have a lot on my mind right now....

Beta #3 tomorrow morning.  Thinking I should be in bed but my mind is keeping me up. I found out the lab near my school opens at 6:30 am so if I leave a little before 6 (ugh!!!) I can get there and make it to school on time (by 7:30). They run the IVF stat labs there, so it works out.  Hubby and I had a moment at dinner tonight of shared excitement and happiness.  I still can't believe it's real.  I have our first ultrasound scheduled for the 20th.  I will be so glad when that day comes.  I have read this before...the waiting doesn't end! oh my!

I have not turned on our television in ions. I was tempted to this weekend after hearing my friend's talk about some of the coverage for 9/11. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  The sadness of that day will never be forgotten.  It doesn't seem that long ago I overheard the woman on the train saying how (we college kids) "don't even realize what has happened" as we rode to school. Later to be dismissed.   The loss of a classmate/ softball teammate, Nicole Miller, brought the reality so much closer to home.  She died heroically that day with so many others on Flight 93. So, so sad. I remember working at the museum and the display they put up soon after showing some children's artwork...their perspective. How I remember crying, especially the ones displayed in the staff wing where children had depicted people jumping from buildings.  I hope our world can someday come to a peaceful resolution...where nothing like this would happen again. My heart goes out to those who have lost their loved ones and thinking of those who protect us as we sleep.

On a happier note...I went to a concert last night...saw the Fleet Foxes. Have you heard of them? Amazing. I am brand new to them as I was invited to go to the concert without knowing anything about them. Saw a flier for Beirut...coming in October. Might try to go to that one too.

119!

That was our beta results this evening.  I cried huge crocodile happy tears.  I am so thrilled and overjoyed but I am truly having a hard time with this. WTH??!! I feel scared and nervous and I am hoping now that we have had a good second beta I can let this soak in.  I have more nervous feelings than excited right now and it seems backwards doesn't it?  I was offered another round of tests on Monday and happily took them.  And tomorrow I can call and set up my first ultrasound. whee! Oh my...I can't believe it!  Starting tomorrow my Prednis.one dose will decrease and I will be done with that in about a week and a half.

Oh and I realized I typed the wrong amount of time yesterday...it took 3.5 years for us to get here...not 4.5...we've only been married for 5!  So I changed that.

So glad tomorrow is Friday. Although, I did find out late yesterday that I have a meeting from 3:30-5:50...ugh..on a Friday?! Blah. But it's for a new teacher induction program and I am mentor to a great new teacher on our team. She's so great!  I am tired though and at an audit meeting today, I completely blanked on my address and wrote 40249 (my sister's)....mine is 2469. Luckily, I had to bring tax forms and it had our address on the envelope.

Let's end on this random note from today:
  I was demonstrating to my class about holding hands for dancing.  I held one of my student's hands and he immediately started smelling my hand! Guess he likes my perfume!! Sweet little guy too. 

Some More Good News!

If this is the way things are going to start acting around here...I may as well go buy my lottery ticket now!  Called over to the clinic today (and once I finally got through) I found out my IF meds are now covered by the basic infertility services. So that means I got refills on all my goods for a grand total of $182.05!!!!!  I was so surprised....it never occurred to me that would change. Well, hooray!!

I went to acupuncture again today and was greeted as "Hello, pregnant lady!" by the receptionist who is super sweet anyways.  But I have to say it made me giddy and I even clapped my hands and jumped up and down once or twice (I know really...I think I need to reevaluate my age). But I think I am entitled to feel this way.  ;0P

I am nervous for tomorrow but am hoping that everything goes well.  I am off to bed soon and if I can get my butt out of bed early enough to get to the labs by 6:30 am I will go to the lab in the morning. On Tuesday, my Dad's wife opened my room, but as she is on a cruise to Alaska right now that won't really work! I was there early on Tuesday and was #9 and was out of there by 7:30 but that's what time I need to be at school. So most likely, I am going after my kids are dismissed and will just have to hope the lab near my school will follow the Stat/Local lab testing directions.  My clinic says I can call around 3 or so if I haven't heard anything.  I am anxious to hear what our next steps are.

I am hoping tomorrow goes well and I can really start letting this all sink in.  It's crazy how I/we have wished and fought for this so hard for 3.5 years and now it has finally happened and I can't believe it really is.  Oh, the irony.  Hubby even said yesterday, how he keeps having these big thoughts but we are trying not to get too ahead of ourselves.  One day at a time!!

The Results are In....

and it says we are PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can't even believe I am typing this right now!!!!  I didn't find out until Hubby called my classroom while in the meantime, I was already in tears from his text which I interpreted as bad news.  Whoops.  I had texted to ask if our nurse had called him but said not to say anything either way and he replied back "yes, we can talk now or at home."  So of course I go into Negative Nancy mode and broke down into tears. My dear teacher friend next door was comforting me and crying right with me. Hubby didn't call back for like (forever!!) 15 minutes and I texted to say I was already crying. And when I answered the phone he says.."I hope you're not still crying...it's not good for the baby!" ??????!!!?!?!?!?!?!?  And I just broke down.  And the rest of my day has been crazy. I stayed at school til 3:30 and then met Hubby at home since he left work early.  Got to call my parents and my Grandma. That was really hard, I don't think I have heard her sob like that since my Grandpa passed away.  She was really happy and it made me so happy to hear that...but it made me cry so hard!  Went to dinner with my MIL to celebrate today because as Hubby says, we deserve it.

So I will do more labs on Thursday.  Our beta was 60.  I haven't talked to our nurse yet but I worry a little about this. Apparently it's okay.  I am crossing all fingers and toes that this number magically doubles by Thursday.

I am amazed and in a lot of shock and disbelief.  Wow! I have never had this feeling.  Oh and I spent $7 at the store so I could look at my two pink lines.  Best money I have spent in a long time!!

Keeping Busy...

I had a great time with friends and family yesterday.  My besties came up for a bbq and my sis and her family joined too.  Snacks, bbq and Hand and Foot. Lots of talking and two of my girls spent the night. So fun!
They just left and now I am on my way to Muir Woods with my sis's family to go explore. I've never been there and they say it's beautiful. I'm looking forward to it.

The last two nights have been kinda rough.  Crying and fear of what could be coming tomorrow.  I hate feeling like this but I know it's a possibility.  I also know that one of our little babies may have decided it's okay to stick around and that's what I'm wishing on today.  Please let our last chance with IVF work.  Please let us have a miracle baby.  That is all I wish for today and tonight. 

Hoping you are enjoying Labor Day with your loved ones.

Hubby's job

Hubby's stores opened up on Friday.  My Hubby and his dad run consignment stores for Spi.rit Hall.oween every year.  They have been doing them for a long time now. Let's see, the first store was opened when we were just dating. So it's been awhile!! Probably 8 or 9 years. So beginning in July, Hubby and Pop start setting up the stores. During the months prior to, they are looking for locations here and there and filing papers.  Then the stores are set up, merchandise arrive and the stores are all set to go.  He has worked everyday non-stop since July 19th or whenever it was he came back from the yearly consignment meeting in New Jersey. He did have 3 days off, one for our anniversary, one for our transfer and then a random Sunday last week.  Hubby works the stores (he runs 2 of the 4 this year) and works really hard.  Since the store he is in the most this year is down in Seaside (1.5 hours from our house) he has quite a long day. So Halloween comes, they have a half off day after sale, then it's time to pack up and take down the stores, file more papers and some other random jobs and that's pretty much it.  So they are usually done with everything (minus peg hook sorting!) by mid to end of November. 

I have a love/hate relationship with Hubby's job but as of the last few years I have learned to love it more.  For a long time it was because I felt like it wasn't really a career. He graduated from college with a degree in Justice Studies...original goal...police work.  I was embarrassed when people would ask me what he did.  Basically, because people would want to know what he did in his off season time. For a few years, he would just get a job, like as a tech support guy. But the last few years, he hasn't needed too.  Although I still felt at times, he should have. I mean the extra money wouldn't have hurt anything and hell, it may have even helped pay for some of the IF stuff.  And to be honest when I have worked my ass off all day and I come home and he's playing video games I can be a little steamed.  Not to say Hubby doesn't do anything around here, because believe me he does a lot!! I always says it's his saving grace, if he didn't do anything this wouldn't work out.  He does laundry and cleaning and pet care and shopping and everything (not really bathrooms though..hmm). Hubby is much cleaner than I am and because of him our house stays clean.

I love his job because I see a lot of him.  I mean from mid November on he's home pretty much all the time. We run errands together and have a lot of down time with each other compared to other working couples. And best of all, Hubby is always willing to come in and help in my classroom.  And when I mean help, I mean most of the time, we drive together and leave together. Which means I basically have an aide in my room.  He runs copies for me (and my grade level team!!), hangs things up, cleans my back office (told you he was cleaner than me!) and is GREAT with the kids. And they love him. I can hear them outside telling their friends he's here if they see him through the window before school starts.  I like to think that for some of my kids, he is a great male role model. He can be playful and funny with them, but he isn't afraid to correct or discipline either.  Having an extra set of eyes is great!

And I think the biggest plus for his career is that we have an ideal childcare situation.  If only would could get the child factor into the equation! But we are working on that and I know we will get there eventually.  It's great...who else would I trust with my kids more than me?! And since my father in law is retiring from the stores this year, he will watch the little ones while the stores are open. Our situation couldn't be more perfect.

Hoping this Halloween proves to be another successful year.  If you happen to know anyone who lives near Gilroy, Salinas, Seaside or Capitola please send them to Spi.rit Hallo.ween to help support my family.  We would greatly appreciate it.  I always tell people, if they want to go experience a clean store go to a consignment owned one.  There isn't going to be a bunch of merchandise spewed all over the floor like the corporate ones. There is quite a difference I tell you! Thanks for reading. =0)

Just a few more days....

Labor Day weekend....three days to relax normally.  I am relaxing but my brain in making it tricky too.  Good thing I have a friend on the way and have kept sort of busy today. I did sleep in a bit and was generally very lazy this morning. 

My classroom is all ready for Tuesday.  My plan is to get up early and get to the lab so I can be one of the lucky people to get in relatively quick for my beta.  Then head back over to school.  In the meantime, my Dad's wife (retired K and first teacher) will go to my room and get everything ready for the kids outside.  Hopefully, I will be there before 8 when the school day begins.  My "stepmom" (funny, I really only refer her to that at school with the kids) is all set up to be a sub in our district so it works out.  Ahhh. 

Just got off the phone with Wal.greens to order 5 more pills of Estra.diol and 14 more Predni.sone.  I don't want to have to pay for more than I would need to and figure I will happily go refill whatever prescriptions I need when I hear some great news!! Of course I usually am complaining about all the leftover meds, but since we are testing later I am running out Monday night or morning.

Last night I had some really gnarly AF cramps around 2am.  And my PIO injections have been pretty rough the last two nights. I think my poor butt is just bruised all over inside....can't really do too much about it.  But I am so grateful that most have them have been so much better.  That 1.5" needle sucks being in there for 3 minutes, but it doesn't feel like it's ripping into my muscle.

Tomorrow some of my besties are coming over and we are going to BBQ and play games like Hand and Foot.  Such a fun card game!  I really want to learn to play Mah Jong which was my anniversary gift to Hubby.  Maybe we will try it out. Who knows what else we will do but we always have a good time.  My sister and her family might join us but I'm not sure yet if they are coming.

My teammate/friend (on the mend perhaps??) was induced last night.  Guess the baby was measuring really small and they wanted to induce her Wednesday.  So wishing her luck.  I actually talked with her the other day and told her how I had thought of her over the summer. She actually said she thought of calling me to have lunch.  I don't know, still awkward, but getting better.  Her life is going to be so different now.  But I still hope we can solve this stupid fight.  I told her I didn't hate her for being pregnant. It's not her fault I can't get pregnant.  Wishing her all the best.

Have a great weekend...hope you all get a three day one!

Trying not to think........

...but it's not really working out so hot.  I am fine all day at school. I don't have a second for it to cross my mind. Then I drive home and sit in my commute (especially the last two days...leaving work during rush hour...not smart) and think and think.  I am trying not to read into anything but I feel like maybe things are a little different. And damn it...I hope they are!!! But I also know that although I am really trying to be positive, I have a very deep fear that this FET didn't work and that's it for us on the IF treatment front. But I know, somehow, somewhere we will be parents. And we will be awesome!

Okay...can I tell you more of what I am feeling? Crampy again on and off, boobs sore (always are and totally not surprised), still have hot hands and feet, I ate a ton of food today because I felt so hungry at certain points (please let this not be the medicine) and I am feeling thirsty at times, too.  I am only associating being tired from surviving the first three days of Kindergarten.  I knew I was going to be dead by Wednesday....I have never started teaching on a Monday. Always a Wednesday or Thursday!  Last night I passed out on the couch.....my dear, sweet Hubby even made my second batch of play dough. Isn't he awesome?!

I have asked Hubby about how he's feeling.  He says he wants to know just as bad as I do. Really wishing there wasn't a holiday this weekend! Oh and my principal is letting me sneak in on Tuesday after my beta without calling in a sub. My dad's wife is a sub in our district (and retired K/1 teacher!) and since I am pretty sure I can make it by 8 she said it would be okay for her to open my room and start the day if needed. Hooray for not having to use another personal day!

News in the classroom.....now down to 22 kiddos....14 boys, 8 girls. We added a fifth Kinder today. I am so amazed at how well these kiddos are doing. I am loving my class so far and it is so rewarding to see how they are already learning some of the routines after 3 days!! whoo hoo!

Believe it or not, this is the latest I have been up all week.  In bed/passed out on the couch around 10 each night....that is a miracle in itself.  I've decided my goal this year is to "try" to break my bad habit of night owl teacher. Not a good combo, but I survive.  I've been getting up with my alarm and so far so good.

Goodnight!!! =0)

So Thankful..

I am so thankful for my new class of kindergartners.  Not only do I feel loved by several of them already (added bonus!) but I think it's gonna be a pretty good year.  I am mostly thankful for the huge distraction they have already given me. The amount of time I have during my day to focus on what is or isn't going on in my body is significantly less than last time.  Oh and I now have 15 boys and 9 girls, but the little guy who was added is awfully sweet..yay! The only downer of yesterday was I (almost) ate shit in my classroom in front of all my parents....slipped on something but didn't fall. Phew.....but I have a nasty bruise on my arm.  I didn't even know it was there til last night! But if that's the worst...I'm okay with that!

As for the waiting game this TWW....I wish I had a better idea of what to look for symptom wise.  I know so many feelings can just be the meds but I am trying not to dwell on anything.  I felt AF crampy over the weekend which hasn't happened before but who knows.  I have eaten more but that is a side effect from my Pred so we shall see.  My feet and hands have been really hot too....I have no idea what that's about.  I want these to be symptoms!!  I feel silly even typing this since that means that I have obviously been thinking about it.  I think it's me just being really hopeful still.

I am debating with myself on whether or not to POAS but I have a feeling I won't.  I just don't think I can handle it....but I so want to know if it worked. I want to have that feeling of seeing 2 lines....how exciting!! I feel like I was so, so much more calm this time and we did that hysteroscopy and he removed those 2 (even if they were itty) polyps...maybe that was it??! Maybe the predni.sone will help my body not reject them embryos and maybe at least one of them will decide to stick around. I have gone to acupuncture and I have taken herbs and eaten more than my fair share of soup and pineapple these past few days. I hope all of these things combined just might make a difference for us.

Hubby's stores open up on Friday.  Maybe my next post will be about his work.  He won't be home for another hour or so.  So I am off to chill with my dogs for a bit.  Poor things are so used to someone being around off and on throughout the day....now they are alone all day til  I get home which wasn't til after 6 today! Hope your week is going well.

Back to School

This is going to be uber short as it is 11:20 and I still have two things to finish up for school tomorrow.  I had a great weekend and I hope you all did too.  Relaxed (a ton!) and enjoyed a Sunday with Hubby because he got a day off!! Probably his last one as the stores open up on Friday.  Spent a part of today in the classroom and enjoyed a yummy Cheese.cake Fact.ory dinner with one of my best gals. yum.

I made a big pot of chicken, mushroom and wild rice soup this morning which will be my lunch the next few days at school. At least it makes it easy!! It wasn't too bad either. =0)

Hoping tomorrow goes well, it will be my 7th year of teaching. Wow! I am always nervous for the first day of school. 

And the Waiting Begins....PUPO!

Thanks again for all your lovely comments....it really means a lot to know there are some extra gals rooting for us out there in this world. I really feel like we can use all the good thoughts out there!! <3!!

The transfer went really well.  All three of the embryos made it out of freeze and better than last time. Two made it through to 90% and one made it all the way to 95%. All three were 5BB.  I'll take it!!! I have a pic of the three of them but for some reason my phone won't let it email it to myself.  One was already hatching....maybe that will be the one! And hopefully another will join in....come on little ones!!  I completely forgot to not pee before I left for acupuncture and pounded a bunch of water in the car on the way there and then to the clinic.  I was worried it wasn't going to be full enough. However, just like last time I had to empty my bladder two times before it was at the right level.  During which I remembered again (while getting in and out of stirrups two times with lab personnel, my dr. and two nurses standing around) how un-private this getting pregnant business really is.....  

I had a good silent cry during transfer and afterwards when everyone left the room I just let it out for a minute.  This is it and I can't help but think that and hope that everything works out for the best.  The nurses were so sweet and offered me tissues when I came out. sigh. We talked about the usual what not to dos, signed papers and that was that. My doctor wished us all the best and said again that "he hopes we're looking at a baby the next time he sees us."

My pre and post acupuncture were great.  For the pre session one of the ladies met us there early since the clinic doesn't open til 1:30 on Thursdays. It was great...she had the room nice and warm and placed my needles and set another lamp over my belly to help my uterus stay toasty.  Post session went great too, I think I fell asleep during both.  I am hoping this all works out because if it does I get to continue acupuncture! If not I think I am going to miss it. I really wish I hadn't been such a chicken before to try it....but you know how I feel about needles.  Well, I laugh now because I love it so much. So relaxing. ahhhh.

Here is what I have decided about the herbs and pineapple.  I talked to my RE and he said he doesn't recommend herbs during fresh IVF due to increased bleeding during retrieval but since we did a FET he would leave it up to me. He said if there was anything super helpful they would know about it and use it with all their patients. Which is kinda like the answer he had given to me before about acupuncture when I asked about it's effectiveness with IF.  So I have decided to take them since I figure it can't hurt and I am going to put some faith in my acupuncturist since they have apparently had success with it.  As for the pineapple, if a little a day is all that was recommended I can do that for five days. I am sure there have been lots of people eating pineapple who have stayed pregnant. So I have eaten three small triangles a day so far.  At this point I am desperate to do anything that could possibly help, but my worries have been eased about the herbs and the pineapple is really small. So here we go.  And I am eating chicken soup too. Tomorrow I plan on making some homemade stuff since it didn't happen Thursday.

Yesterday I came home and passed out for a few hours and lounged and watched "Big" with hubby at night. I have never seen it...but thought it was funny because the kid that plays the kid is one of the characters from "Newsies",  David Moscow.  "Newsies" is one of my all time favorite movies. Today I spent relaxing and getting periodic updates from my gal at work since our class lists were adjusted and then went back to normal. My mom and grandma came up to visit and it was great because I really was glad to have company. I worked a bit of school stuff and plan to finish labeling name things tomorrow. Sunday I will go in to my classroom for final touches so I am all ready for Monday.

One more thing...beta.  I was assuming we would be testing 9 days past transfer like last time. But since it's labor day weekend we have to wait til day 12!!!!!!!!!!! So beta will be Tuesday, September 6th.

Off to read and comment on some more of your blogs.  I wish my phone made for easier commenting. hugs...have a great weekend!!

One More Sleep til Transfer

I really don't know how I made it here in such a "whole" piece.  I have said over and over that I have felt remarkably calm this past month or so.  I have no clear view as to why but I can guess and make assumptions.  All I know is I feel great and (mostly) calm and just a little bit anxious.  I am going to keep trying to take it one day at a time and not focus on anything but that.  Because truly, there is not much more I can do but try to RELAX! I am crossing all my fingers and toes that all 3 embryos survive the thaw and then make a happy home inside me! I'm ready!!

I became overwhelmed at school today and started tearing up but it was mainly because I was sitting across from a very pregnant team member and the start of school looming over me was just too much!!  Lots of projects and prep, but luckily I have an amazing team and they will help me get through this next week.  I will be going in on Sunday for a bit but I fully plan on spending the majority of the next three days on my butt.  I am taking advantage of my last "long" weekend to help these little ones settle in.  In a way, I am thankful I won't have to escape to DL to get away from my head like last time.  All I have to do is go to work and get to know my 24 new kiddos next week!

Today I had an abdominal massage at my acupuncture clinic....for an hour!!! Not only was I a) very surprised it was so long but b) the gal that did it was super nice.  Not that it felt great the whole time but I am hopeful it gets the blood flowing where it needs to flow!! Tomorrow I will go in for pre and post transfer sessions and then once more on Saturday.  I also am taking a mix of herbs beginning tonight to help with implantation.  This is probably bad but I didn't ask my RE about it. *grimaces*  Remember he's not big on acupuncture.  The herbs can't hurt right?? I meant to call my nurse but today's busyness led to a forgetful mind.  Now here I ask for some advice from you.....my acupuncturist wants me to eat chicken soup and fresh (non-chilled) pineapple for the three days after transfer.  I am fine about the chicken soup...I looked up some yummy recipes and I love soup. No biggie. I'm happy to help my little ones settle in and I will do anything at this point to help them stick.  I have heard mixed things about the pineapple.  I was just told to eat it, not the core just the fruit part.  Do any of you know about this? I have read online there is a chemical that helps with implantation and I have read it can cause miscarriages (but I think those were talking about drinking pineapple juice).


In the back of my mind I can hear the little voices whispering and talking behind my back. They are starting to become louder. I think they are sharing bad secrets and I am afraid of overhearing what they are saying.  Please negativity go away. I have tried so very hard (and succeeded) to keep you away for so long this time.  Please don't let my fears take over.

I have found this quote multiple times and I have read it repeatedly.  It gives me hope. 

When the World says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~Author Unknown

Please let this be my turn.  This is our last and final go at IF treatments. Please let this work. Please. Please. Please. Please.

Transfer is at noon tomorrow.  This is it!!!!!!! Here we go!!!!!!!!!!

Virtual Hugger

Thanks to Waiting & Wishing  for passing along the Virtual Hugger award!! I realized I never did follow up with the other two awards I received when just starting this blog. oopps! So, I will graciously follow instructions and send it on!!  I must say when I started this blog I wasn't really sure what would happen.  Then I have connected with you and I feel like I have a bunch of ladies who have my poor PIO stabbed back!!  Your support and thoughts have really made my day(s) a whole lot brighter!!

I love receiving and reading your comments because:

1. I love the support of this community!! I am feeling like I am getting to know all of you and your stories. 
2. Your comments really do brighten my day....even little ones!
3. It has truly made the past few months of our IF roller coaster much more bearable. It helps to know there are other people like me out there going through the same muck pile.

Here is what you can do (if you so desire...!):

1. Thank the person who gave it to you, and link back.

2. Give three reasons why you LOVE comments.

3. Award your top ten commenters, and let them know about it.

And here are my top commenters:

Chickenpig @ Better Full Than Empty

Lora @ Everyday is a Winding Road
TurtleMama @ Tortoise Baby
Cori @ Just Us
 Sooz@ The Birds and the Bees
E @Dreaming of Babies
Maria @MISSION:Fertile Soul
Annoyed Army Wife @The Annoyed Army Wife

Kristen @ Buck Up Buttercup
Krista@Diary of Taking Small Steps