Friday, July 26, 2013

Need your positive energy..

I am in need of a giant pick me up.  Feeling really down about our wait for government papers to go through the government.  Sick of seeing everyone having babies/getting pregnant/being looped....and the list goes on.  I feel (once again) like a miserable lady and in some ways I am...a bitter, ugly one.  This wait is killing me...I never knew it would be this hard.  So different in so many ways from my IF journey. I hate, hate feeling this way.  I hate crying over FB announcements and feeling jealous of pregnant neighbor....who has looped me for the second time.

We have about one more day for good news to come through....if we don't hear things tomorrow we will have to wait til Aug 12th.  That effing sucks.  So I am mustering up as much hope as possible for the next few hours.  Friday's business day is already over in Korea, so decisions have been made.  Please be ours.  Or at least please be others who are in the same fix as us, so I can at least hold on to the movement.   Please check out my post on the adoption blog...needing some support right now.  Thanks for reading. Hope you are well....I spent some time on this account the other day.  It is so hard to respond on my phone which is where I do most of my reading. oxo

Sunday, June 2, 2013


after much waiting...our paperwork has finally gone into the government.  So freakin excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Finally feels like something is really happening.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  What a hard few weeks it's been.  Babies everywhere and I have three showers in the next 7 days.  Help me now.

But in shopping for one...I was finally able to feel excited...we get to register soon....yayay! But for what? Ahhh...what do you need? We're past all the newborn stuff, which honestly still makes me sad.  It's not like I don't know anything about little kids, but still....definitely not with boy things.  Any suggestions??

Please stop over at our adoption blog to check out our update....   Building Blocks...  :)

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

We are EP bound!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Earlier this week...Tuesday to be exact, Hubby and I received an email and then phone call telling us our papers are finally headed over to the government!  We are beyond happy that there is movement even though we are unsure of any timeline still at this point.

Please check out my post on our adoption blog. :)  Building Blocks to Forever


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

wishing and hoping

I find myself again here.  Kinda wondering about myself when some of the crazy bitter infertility uglies come out.  It seems as though it has been more as of late.  Maybe because I am going crazy waiting for our son to come home....closer each and every day and just trying to be as patient as I can.  It's really hard though. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. 

But in the meantime, I am keeping busy....back to school to earn my masters and administrative credential (not that I have any want at this time to ever (EVER) be a principal) but the income will be great.  This may have been the world's worst idea ever, but right now it's okay.  Survived my first quarter and the second just started this week.  Korean language class and ukulele class and masters classes...leaves Friday nights free.

Needed to share something really sucky that I think only IFs can understand the complete suckiness of it all.  A few weeks ago, I was sitting at our team's grade level meeting.  One of the teachers mentioned how she had so many meetings that week and said she had another one Friday morning. Someone asked her what it was for.  She said my principal was meeting with all the expecting moms to talk about long term subs.  I had to ask again what it was for...because surely I misheard her.  Nope...she confirmed...principal is meeting with all the "PREGNANT" moms.  I felt I snapped at my friend...but really "Why was I not invited to this?!?" WTF to the millionth degree!!!!!!!  She said she would check with our principal for me.  So it turns out, she forgot about me.  In some ways I can totally see that....especially sitting in on the meeting surrounded by quickly expanding/already bulging pregnant bellies all around the table (4 to be exact)...not my idea of fun....but yeah...I'm not visibly pregnant, but I am still expecting.  Might I remind you my principal has a son through IVF and another through adoption.  It hurt so much and made me so angry.  My hands were shaking in the meeting and I literally sat there trying to hold it together and not make eye contact with anyone.   As much as the information on subs SHOULD apply to me, it doesn't.  They all have an idea of when they are going out on leave.  Two of them have already gone out on leave...just as planned.  The others will plan the start of their year with subs.  I guess that is what I should be planning on and hoping on....but I am skeptical.  As soon as everyone left I asked my principal if she had a few minutes and literally lost it in the office 10 minutes before the start of school.  She closed her blinds so no parents would see me.  We had received really shitty news in the adoption world that week and I was really struggling with my emotions all week.  What a great topper to it all.

A few more things....
Being looped by so many people it isn't funny.  My newly married cousin (months away from her first anniversary) just told us of her pregnancy and it's that same thing....super stoked for them....but ugh.
Talking to some family who seem disinterested in what I have to say adoption wise. I am sure I am reading way too far into things...but you know...
Something to check out....we just went to a showing of a documentary called STUCK.  It talks about the problems families and kids worldwide are facing with international adoption.  Please click here to watch the trailer

Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Eve

As I sit here playing a rousing game of hand and foot and getting tipsy off my champagne, I want to wish you all the best of wishes and hopes for 2013.  For many reasons this year was amazing and for other reasons it was heartbreaking on it's own. I can't wait for this next year when our dream to build our family comes true. It's finally happening and I can honestly say you all made my journey much more thank you! oxo

Friday, December 28, 2012


Christmas was hard this year.  I can't wait til next year's. I think I was doing okay until my cousin's announced their sweet news of a new baby on Christmas Eve.  Not sure why I felt like the last person to twinnie even knew...they told her at my niece's birthday.  And I did great during their announcement because I heard them say they wanted to make one (and I have been waiting for this to come, so it wasn't a surprise) and  I clapped and cheered with the rest of the family. But then my dad had to come over and rub my back and my Aunt (my cousin's mom) had to say something to me (guess they were worried about telling me) so of course I start tearing up.  It makes me feel once again like a rotten person. It sucks that people don't want to tell me their happy news.  I guess they are just being sensitive and in some way I can appreciate that. But it makes me sad.  Just like my twinnie not telling me right away about her second pregnancy.  It sucks to know that people aren't necessarily eager to share their news with me, just nervous. It's not that I am not happy for them, it's just hard.  They had to try for a few months for their first daughter and now she is 2.5.  It just feels like another one of those "oh yeah" reminders to myself that we were trying then too....and had been for a while. The cool thing's a boy! So now our family will have at least two little boys running around all these girls.

 On top of everything else I was already feeling, Santa brought me an instant migraine so this was my first gift I woke up to. boo.  So we made it (finally) to my in-laws.....4 hours later than planned because I was in bed all day.  Good thing they are so nice (truly some of the world's kindest folk).  My FIL did comment on my mood and asked Keith if I was in a bad I made a point to change my outward expression.  We had a nice simple dinner and all cleaned up before opening gifts.  I cringed (inside...don't worry!) when my MIL shortened our son's name but I suppose in the end it is our fault she still can't get it right.  Just not sure how to tell her...again. Hubby said he would talk with her. They got him a cute little outfit and another shirt with dinosaurs (!!) and a cool little toy piano.  It's soft and lights up and does all sorts of fun things...we know because we played with it for about 5 minutes!

We were able to send our little man a present, but that's a post I will save for the adoption blog.  :0)
Building Blocks to Forever

But here are the words I can't post there for my family to see.  Not because it isn't true, but someday I hope to remember only the real positive stuff over there and not all these big worries here.  I hope these big worries seem small in the near future, but here they are today.

Got our family a cute new little ornament for the tree.  It says and Baby makes three.  Super cute and true. This year we became a family of three in our hearts.  I cross every thread in my soul that it happens for real in 2013.  There is no reason it shouldn't...all the stars are aligned and we are starting to get ready, which is so exciting.  We just bought a new (perfect) print for his room on our last trip to the Happiest Place on Earth two weekends ago.  We bought paint yesterday and have decided on a crib and such. ahh! It's really happening.  Although as we start all the preparations, I can't help but feel nervous and anxious along with my utter excitement. And here come all the what IF's.....thank you IF for turning my mind into pessimist on building a family here and there.  I worry that Foster Mom will decide to adopt him or another Korean family will.  It is her first foster baby. What if I have to stare at an empty nursery? This is my entire reason for not starting sooner.  I worry that the paperwork process won't start in January (like last year) and the families before us have an even longer wait, which in turn makes our wait longer.  All these things are beyond my control.  So we wait, as patient as I can.  I know we have less time to wait than we have been waiting and that makes my heart feel lighter.

On a happier note...My twinnie just got back from her family Christmas down south. Can't wait to see them in the morning.  With that, I need to go to bed. I love winter break and letting my body find it's natural sleep cycle. I am such a night owl and not a morning person!!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and enjoyed some part of your day if not all.  To those of you who can hug and squeeze your miracles, please give them an extra squeeze for me. And to my friends who are still waiting to hug yours, I send you a huge hug myself. oxo

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Just Waiting....

still waiting....waiting for our little guy to come home.  I can honestly say two things....1. we have waited longer for him than time left to bring him home and 2. this blog is in some serious neglect.

I have updated our other blog and look forward to the day I have many exciting things to write about (and no time or energy to do so!) You can check it out at Building Blocks to Forever if you want an update on our adoption news.

I changed jobs and am enjoying my new team and my class.  13 of the little boogers are kids who were in my class last year.  I am currently taking a break from report cards and I must say I feel like I know my kids so well.  Love this looping thing and wouldn't mind doing again...if it meant I could stay in my classroom.

I definitely feel detached from this community in some ways.....funny how there are so many things to write about when you are knee deep in a IVF cycle.  Now, I feel like I have nothing to write home about.  I guess its okay.

But then there are nights like tonight when I just feel, well...sorry for myself.  And I have a limited audience for these types of moans and groans.  So I will just type them here to get them off my chest.  I am trying so hard to move past this, but something pops up unexpectedly and it just gets my mind moving, just when I think I am doing great.  On Wednesday, one of my teammates announced her pregnancy.  As happy as everyone was (including me!) I will tell  you I came home and cried (just a little) to Hubby.  You see, she began trying for her first just after we started trying all those years ago.  Her son turned 4 last spring and it's hard for me to not immediately do the math. Yikes.

And then (oh blasted FB) my old (ex?)-friend that I blogged so many times about announced her pregnancy.  How did I see it? Because I am still "friends" with her boyfriend....and trust me I have thought about deleting him, but don't really want to go there.  I already have him blocked on my things.....but it's hard with the stupid FB feed telling you what your friends have commented on and we share a small handful of the same friends...blah.  enough.  But I am telling you know, if our son comes home around the same time her shower is and my works wants to do both....I will be the first one to tell them they can wait.  I'll have a valid excuse with adoption (don't know how showers work with that) and I'm part of the sunshine committee!! Funny thing....I still feel sad that I won't be able to tell her anything congrats wise.  That element of truthfulness and trust flew out the window a long time ago...she barely talks to me at school even when I try.  I can tell I'm bitter still but mostly sad.  About a lot of things.  I don't know why my mind bothers.....but gah it's hard. :0/

I have just been really busy and am enjoying life right now.  Work is so much less stressful with my new team and I am re-adjusting to teaching first grade again.  I'm super excited to start all the nursery room stuff.  Actually more than excited......ecstatic!! I wrote a post about it on the adoption blog.....but I just can't wait to start putting it all together.  Probably in the next few weeks or a month....Hubby has to finish with the stores and then we can start with it all.  And I have to do is survive the next week and a half of conferences!

Last year we had our Friendsgiving....totally wanted to do it again this year.  Maybe we still can....but after Thanksgiving....I've been too busy.  Or maybe I can pull it together this weekend...we shall see!

hugs to you all!