Christmas was hard this year. I can't wait til next year's. I think I was doing okay until my cousin's announced their sweet news of a new baby on Christmas Eve. Not sure why I felt like the last person to know....my twinnie even knew...they told her at my niece's birthday. And I did great during their announcement because I heard them say they wanted to make one (and I have been waiting for this to come, so it wasn't a surprise) and I clapped and cheered with the rest of the family. But then my dad had to come over and rub my back and my Aunt (my cousin's mom) had to say something to me (guess they were worried about telling me) so of course I start tearing up. It makes me feel once again like a rotten person. It sucks that people don't want to tell me their happy news. I guess they are just being sensitive and in some way I can appreciate that. But it makes me sad. Just like my twinnie not telling me right away about her second pregnancy. It sucks to know that people aren't necessarily eager to share their news with me, just nervous. It's not that I am not happy for them, it's just hard. They had to try for a few months for their first daughter and now she is 2.5. It just feels like another one of those "oh yeah" reminders to myself that we were trying then too....and had been for a while. The cool thing is..it's a boy! So now our family will have at least two little boys running around all these girls.
On top of everything else I was already feeling, Santa brought me an instant migraine so this was my first gift I woke up to. boo. So we made it (finally) to my in-laws.....4 hours later than planned because I was in bed all day. Good thing they are so nice (truly some of the world's kindest folk). My FIL did comment on my mood and asked Keith if I was in a bad mood....oops.....so I made a point to change my outward expression. We had a nice simple dinner and all cleaned up before opening gifts. I cringed (inside...don't worry!) when my MIL shortened our son's name but I suppose in the end it is our fault she still can't get it right. Just not sure how to tell her...again. Hubby said he would talk with her. They got him a cute little outfit and another shirt with dinosaurs (!!) and a cool little toy piano. It's soft and lights up and does all sorts of fun things...we know because we played with it for about 5 minutes!
We were able to send our little man a present, but that's a post I will save for the adoption blog. :0)
Building Blocks to Forever
But here are the words I can't post there for my family to see. Not because it isn't true, but someday I hope to remember only the real positive stuff over there and not all these big worries here. I hope these big worries seem small in the near future, but here they are today.
Got our family a cute new little ornament for the tree. It says and Baby makes three. Super cute and true. This year we became a family of three in our hearts. I cross every thread in my soul that it happens for real in 2013. There is no reason it shouldn't...all the stars are aligned and we are starting to get ready, which is so exciting. We just bought a new (perfect) print for his room on our last trip to the Happiest Place on Earth two weekends ago. We bought paint yesterday and have decided on a crib and such. ahh! It's really happening. Although as we start all the preparations, I can't help but feel nervous and anxious along with my utter excitement. And here come all the what IF's.....thank you IF for turning my mind into pessimist on building a family here and there. I worry that Foster Mom will decide to adopt him or another Korean family will. It is her first foster baby. What if I have to stare at an empty nursery? This is my entire reason for not starting sooner. I worry that the paperwork process won't start in January (like last year) and the families before us have an even longer wait, which in turn makes our wait longer. All these things are beyond my control. So we wait, as patient as I can. I know we have less time to wait than we have been waiting and that makes my heart feel lighter.
On a happier note...My twinnie just got back from her family Christmas down south. Can't wait to see them in the morning. With that, I need to go to bed. I love winter break and letting my body find it's natural sleep cycle. I am such a night owl and not a morning person!!
I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and enjoyed some part of your day if not all. To those of you who can hug and squeeze your miracles, please give them an extra squeeze for me. And to my friends who are still waiting to hug yours, I send you a huge hug myself. oxo