am 100% medicine free. I did not have to have a PIO shot. This is me trying to be positive. Here's the truth.
Yesterday sucked completely. We had our second u/s and arrived at the clinic at 8:30. The receptionist had a smile on her face as she was walking back to her desk. She said "I'm excited for you!" She asked if this was out first u/s (she wasn't there last week) and I told her no, we had one last week and it didn't go so well. She then said something about how she hopes it goes well today and how much we deserve this. Very sweet. We didn't get into a room until 9:20 ish. They were pretty busy. Dr. looked and confirmed my worst fear. No yolk sac, no heartbeat = no baby. Blighted ovum. Even after me asking if there was a chance there was something growing very slowly, his answer was pretty much the same. He did say some couples like to go another week on meds but he said it would be false hope. We talked about a few more things. After he left the room, we just cried for a few minutes and held each other. I hate seeing my Hubby upset and this is where he stopped talking.
Calmed down enough to meet Dr in his office. He apologized again and explained to us what would be happening next. Stop all meds, even prenatals. Hopefully (I guess that's the right word) I miscarry on my own. Otherwise I need to pick a day where I won't be going anywhere to insert 4 more magic pills up my hoohah to make me miscarry two hours later. Great. I'm already dreading all of it. He explained how our embryo was "doomed" (no, he didn't say this) from the beginning and was the way it was going to be before it was even frozen. He said its unfortunate how there is not technology to check the embryos before transfer to see how they are. I'll be going in for another u/s in a few weeks to make sure everything is gone and also do another blood test. Apparently it can take up to five weeks for it to go back down to nothing. He also asked my Hubby if he was okay since he hadn't said a word, he just nodded.
I wanted to come home and post. I even thought about it last night but my heart just couldn't do it. After leaving we just came home and cried for a bit more. I asked Hubby in the car if he was mad at me since he wasn't saying anything....which obviously wasn't true. It just felt weird. We actually went to lunch and I even ordered a Coke and an item I haven't had for a long while because of my diet. It didn't taste as good as it should have. Oh well. I didn't tell any of my family until around noon or so, when I called my Twinnie at work. She cried with me on the phone. She already knew it was bad news since I hadn't called her earlier. I was surprised she hadn't texted me, but she said she was trying to give us time if we needed it.
The hardest part about yesterday was having to tell my family and close friends. I realize I didn't have to but since they all knew and were wondering. My Grandma sobbed and sobbed, so hard. I also was asked if I was going to work tomorrow a few times. My response, "I can't afford to sit at home and cry." Although, my principal emailed me back and said I might consider taking a few days off.
Hubby processes things different than me. And in most cases it's a good thing because he helps keep me balanced. It's hard for me to see him upset and he is most definitely entitled. He's hurt too and yesterday he was able to stay home with me versus having to go into work. He did talk about us just trying on our own. I wasn't about to burst his bubble, so I just listened. He seems to be hopeful that since I was able to get pregnant maybe we can do it now. I don't think I'm on the same page. Last night he seemed more his usual self and before I went to bed at 10, he told me "We're going to be okay."
I think I was just starting to feel my hopes go up. I had taken a HPT on Tuesday morning which obviously showed a BFP. I even had the stupid thought that maybe our Dr would tell us we were having twins on the u/s. How could I have even thought that?? I knew what my betas were. The dreams I just started forming about bringing home a newborn have been interrupted.. And the dreams of having a baby between Hubby and I are pretty much a lost hope, at least for me and at least for now. But I also know we will be a family someday.
I looked up blighted ovum on the internet since I needed to. Now it seems like I wasn't really truly "pregnant" since technically I was probably already as far as I would get a few days after transfer. So all those times I told Hubby "I can't believe there's a baby in there" it was actually true. My heart is so hurt and I know this will be difficult. But "I can do hard things" and this might be one of the hardest things yet.
Sorry for the long post. I woke up from weird dream at four and decided I needed to do this. Today is going to be a hellish day. Please let my kiddos be kind to me and please let me be patient enough to not blow up or fall apart.