Thursday, July 28, 2011

Taking steps and breathing

I have said before I am a worrywart.  So I was more nervous about the homestudy interview but still.  It went FINE! Surprise!! It was very long though and lasted almost two  Mrs. S asked me about my family, family relationships, memories, my parent's relationship, marriage, health, morals, etc. We talked for a looong time about the big IF.  This week she was more clear on something.....she said they usually don't recommend doing the homestudy if you are going through a treatment and they usually have you wait for six months after your last treatment to begin it.  She said all this and in my head I thought two things. 1.) oh shit, there's that "put all your eggs in one basket" comment coming back to haunt me and 2.) why didn't you tell me this last week when I asked?  Then she proceeded to tell me she has no worries about Hubby or I at this moment and that she ruminated about it over the week since we'd seen her.  She assured me that what we are doing (the first 3 homestudies) is fine.  She also acknowledged the fact that we are able to control this process, something we obviously can't with IF.  We will just wait til we find out the results of our FET to decide our next steps, which is what we had already decided to do...perfect!  At the end she thanked me for my candor and gave me a hug!  Hubby's interview is Monday morning, can't wait to hear what he thinks! =0)

Talking so openly about IF with a mostly stranger was rather interesting.  So far, I really like Mrs. S and she is easy to talk to.  While talking about IF I didn't cry (at all) nor did I get choked up.  I even noted to her that it surprised me, usually I break down a bit when talking about this all coming to an end and all of the failures we have had.  I told her about how I fell apart after our fresh cycle failed last fall.  I think (and hope) that the utter despair I felt was the worse it will be. I know I will be sad and angry and frustrated and everything else if this FET doesn't work, but I am hoping the worst of the grieving is over. (someone please remind me I said this if I later change my thinking....!)  I am very, very excited about the adoption process and the fact we will be working with Korea is even more thrilling.  It is nice to have a plan b (even if that sounds awful too) but I told her how much we want to build our family and the goal is simply that. In the end it won't matter if our family is built through adoption or not.  I know I will face challenges with adoption if our stars lead us in that direction, but I will face that when I get there!  In the meantime, I am crossing my fingers and hanging on to that hope this FET WILL indeed be the one.  If it does, I will be the happiest of all.  If not, I realize I may have already made a small degree of peace with the fact I may never carry a child.

Back to the worrywart...I had to report to Oakland today for jury duty.  I was not bothered by the fact that it was in Oakland itself but driving to a place I have never been! I so wanted to make a test run last night but realized that would be silly since Oakland isn't really too close (not too far, but far enough!)  I spent about an hour looking at directions for the courthouse and parking garage, writing them on a sticky and then re-looking at them and the little maps.  Seriously from the freeway there were about 4 turns and I was feeling sooo anxious about it....really kinda pathetic! The good news was the court lady had a sense of humor and I was dismissed at 11!! Whoo hoo!!  Which means Hubby and I can enjoy celebrating our 5th anniversary tomorrow since he gets the day off!! 

Happy Night everyone!!


  1. I hope the fact that you have started adoption proceedings makes this FET go a little easier for you. Fingers crossed that the adoption option gets put on hold until you are looking for a sibling :)

    I always get anxious about finding a place and do a practice run! I thought I was the ONLY person in the world that did that! Thank you :) Enjoy your anniversary.

  2. Oh, I'm so glad to hear the interview went well! It's nice you seem to get along with Mrs. S so well, and that you were able to talk about your IF journey with candor and composure. I'm glad you got off of jury duty and that you get to spend your anniversary with your husband!!!

  3. So glad to hear that the interview went well. I think having a "plan b" is a good thing and it would (and did) give me peace to know that if "this" didn't work that there was something else we could do and that we knew what that was.
    I also get anxiety about going somewhere new - although it was lessened when we bought a GPS system - I still always give myself plenty of time to get lost and have been known to do a test run from time to time!
    Hope you have a great time for your anniversary - congratulations on 5 years!!

  4. hehe, so glad to know I am not the only one who has anxiety about going new places!! I have a GPS in my car.....but I can't work it and never remember to read the manual until I need to use it again!

  5. OMG, I think I would've had a heart attack if Mrs. S came out with that during an interview! Thank goodness it all worked out and you get to forge ahead. SO exciting! :D