Saturday, February 4, 2012

hurting

So I don't think I ever blogged about this situation....only mentioned it as a possibility.  But in an attempt to carry on I never did make that post.  My brain can't handle going into details but back a few months after our m/c I received the nastiest, most hurtful message ever.  This is a person whom I have gotten to know better in the last year and a half (she is my co-worker's daughter) and she lived with us for about 2.5 weeks....basically in our tww from our last IVF.  We did this as a favor, since it was obviously bad timing, but who am I to turn down a friend when they needed a place to stay for a "few days".   She has a serious depression diagnosis and I can understand this must play a part in all of this.  She moved back home the day we officially found out we were not going to have a baby come spring.

Basically it boils down to this (or at least my best perspective): I was very distant from many people and just needed to be alone for a bit.  She is not one of my closest friends whom I would have turned to for comfort, we just aren't "there" yet on that friendship level. During that time she sent me a few messages here and there (along with some of my other friends) to which I responded to some.  I was absent from dear old fb for a bit and didn't see most of them until afterwards. I appreciated her kinds thoughts, I just couldn't really process them. Her thoughts were this....that I used my infertility to "ditch"  friends (meaning her and my co-worker whom I have written about).  She mentioned said coworker in her nasty message as well which really ticked me off. She said I am mean and incredibly selfish especially when I responded to her message by telling her I didn't really know what I did that was bothering her, which prompted her to give me a huge cry.

Time passed and nothing ever really was resolved.  I tried a few times to get together for a face to face conversation and it never seemed to work out.  The last few weeks I have seen her a bit but again it's the same...and I might add very awkward.

The worst of all this mess is the way my co-worker, her mother, has been treating me.  I would hope after working next door to someone for 6+ years she would know I am not doing anything intentionally to hurt her daughter. But I also understand it's her daughter---she should be supporting her......BUT not treating me like crap.  I am hurt by her actions most of all.  It isn't fair this is causing me to feel so uncomfortable at work.  Seriously, if my life wasn't going to change for the best, I would be switching grade levels or schools.  Maybe I will take my old master teacher's offer to take over her classroom when she retires in a few years.  I am hoping this will be over long before then.

Tonight I received yet another message and it hurt me so much.  I am angry beyond belief but sad this continues. She referenced an article talking about IF and the community and REDB.OOK's campaign, telling me I need to read it. Again saying I have been selfish towards her feelings and again mentioning the old friend. She ended by offering her congrats on the adoption and saying "Maybe now that you have a baby you might be a little more considerate".

Someone needs to come slap me across the head so I can try to figure out what to do. Why do I have such strong feelings to make things better with her and my old friend?? (who I talked with last week...we had a good cry, not saying anything is better...although I did receive her baby announcement today).  WHY? She is not acting like a true friend. It is so easy for my sister and Hubby to get angry and just write her off.  Outside perspective is great, but it's just that.  I feel completely stuck in the middle of a bad accident.  Hubby wants to call and I know that won't help anything. I really need to sit down with my co-worker but I seriously have no idea how to start that conversation.  This is such a mess and has caused me so much turmoil, I hate it.

6 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) hon. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

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  2. I don't think you owe her any type of apology, but I know that you just want things to be better, given that you work with her Mom. She sounds like a sick, manipulative person who is not considerate about your feelings at all. I would just give it time and not try to "fix" it. If she really wants to be a part of your life than she can act different. I don't think you are obligated to "make nice" with her. I am sorry you have to deal with this situation.

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  3. No one, no one should make you feel bad for hurting from a loss. Even if you had cursed in her face and threw a glass plate at her, you still don't deserve those words. I think those people are toxic and I hope you have the strength to just let go if that is what is best for you. Don't ever feel like you are in the wrong in this situation. IF is so emotional and a m/c is a loss. There is an entire process through grief. Please know how strong you are, how "normal" you are for hurting and please know that no one should put down your feelings in ANY part of this journey. NEVER. I'm here for you!!!!!

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  4. This isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm so sorry that this person is making you hurt this way. I wish I could be with you right now. True friends don't blame you for your pain when you're hurting. You've gone MUCH farther out of your way to reconnect with this person than most people would, I would have told her off and given her a piece of my mind. Proof that you are a much nicer person than she says you are :)

    Giver her MY email address. If she wants to know what a real b*tch is like after a miscarriage, I'll show her. ;)

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  5. What a b*tch!! I just want to slap her. Sorry, I know violence doesn't solve anything, but just reading about her self-centered, immature actions makes me so angry. I hate it when non-IFers think they understand!

    You definitely do not owe her anything! The only thing she deserves is a swift kick in the ass.

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  6. She's been incredibly cruel and inconsiderate... I agree with Chickenpig - you certainly didn't do anything wrong. She has it all twisted and distorted. Hope the situation improves or you're able to find a more peaceful place to work. Love to you always xoxo

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