Mama said....

Today was one of those days where things just felt harder.  Maybe it is my lack of sleep or maybe my hormones are on the move.  Looking at, talking to and being around people who are pregnant just brought yucky feelings rise up inside.  I felt bad at work today and was just grateful my husband happened to be there to give me a hug when I asked for one.

Did I mention we are looking at adoption paperwork? I feel excited one minute and then frustrated the next.  I'm not sure how this will all work out and I feel upset because I always seem to second guess myself.

On a happier side note...I ate lunch with my students today in the warm sun.   And...I am currently watching 'Tangled'...again.   "Find your humanity?!"

What we've done..an overview.

• Tried on our own....(let me restate that).....tried for fun, tried with ovulation sticks, tried while on vacation, tried after a drink or two, tried when I didn't want to try but because it was "time", tried pillows under my ass, tried BBT, blah blah blah, sick of trying, sick of disappointment.
• After a year and a half of that went for help.  First IUI in September 2009, followed by November and December.  I remember being really disappointed when that first one didn't work.  Funny how some things don't change.  Dr said most couples would be pregnant by #6.
• Started with injectables for IUI in January 2010 and April.  This was when I truly realized even small needles freak me out, I must be the world's biggest wimp and I have a very patient hubby who had to wait hours for me to be "ready".  I have always despised shots..ask anyone who knows me.
• Somewhere last summer we started talking more about adoption.  Went to check out a few agencies and that stopped there with the IVF stuff.  I guess we were on the hopeful note.
• First IVF in July 2010.  During the G.D. summer thank you very much.  In a perfect world, it "should" have worked. I'm off for the summer and I was as "unstressed" as I could possibly be with lab work and ultrasounds that seemed to be every other day but no school.  So if anyone tells me to just relax and not think about it, they can go jump off a cliff.  I really don't know what else to say about that.  Oh I know, progesterone injections SUCK!!  So do secondary allergic reactions and soreness months after the injections are through. I guess I should be thankful since we ended up with three embryos....they are currently in cryo.  And I am, because right now I can't harvest again.
• Late summer and Fall and Winter of 2010....mental breakdown. I cancelled our next IVF set for my Thanksgiving break.  Couldn't hack it.  I always read that this infertility is hard on marriage...I think it may have just been hard on me.  Too bad I reacted poorly and went through a big ole slump. That is more or less better now, I believe.  I needed to get out of there.  It took awhile.
• Planning our next steps.  Trying to look ahead. Met with some adoption agencies again and have decided on two...one for placement and one for the homestudy.  This in itself is exciting and scary.  My twin sister and I are adopted from Korea and that is where we will be looking to adopt from. Lots of papers (I like papers, I like feeling productive and the knowledge that these actions WILL result in something amazing someday). Also lots of money. hmmmm.  We just set our last IVF for June, after school is over.  Argh, I need to win the lottery.
• Crossing my fingers and trying to be hopeful and positive.  That's a little hard in itself.  I wish more people I know would just understand that.  Or at least let me feel the way I feel. It's hard for me to be positive when EVERYTHING (see above) hasn't seemed to work.  My goal right now is to someday be a mommy. My dear friend keeps telling me something along the line of "it will happen somehow for you, we just don't know how right now".  I tear up every time she says this.

What am I doing here?

I am infertile.  My husband says I'm not (since I can produce eggs), but my doctor says I have unexplained infertility.  After one and a half years of trying on our own and with another year and a half of infertility treatments (5 IUIs and 1 IVF) we are still in the same boat.  I want to be like Cinderella, hence the name of this blog.  I want to waltz into a ballroom and feel beautiful and wear glass slippers. I wonder if Cinderella even thought about the possibility of a crack or a chip? I worry about everything, probably way too much and because of that am often stressed out.  With the past few years lurking behind me, I have felt like a horrible, rotten person....incapable of feeling genuine happiness for friends and family who are lucky enough to have baby celebrations.  I have read over lots of blogs and I think I have cried tears (of relief!) each time because someone out there has felt the same way I have.  Maybe in some way, I am normal after all.  I'm not a monster or a bad friend just infertile.  So this is my goal, to give myself a release....a telling and a venting place. My old journal sits abandoned in my drawer...it seems too sad to continue there.  I want to tell a fairy tale with a happy ending. Maybe this will be it.