Birthdays

I went to my cousin's baby's first birthday party today. To sum up all my feelings it was a little hard for me.  My niece's birthday is also coming up next month.  In the selfish way, I can't help but think about when they both told me they were expecting and how hard that was then. And now they have adorable one year olds.  At my Aunt's house today there were multiple comments made about how fun it is to see three little girls running around and how happy my grandparents would have been.  I agree, but it makes me sad too.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend!  Tomorrow I am playing my ukulele with my ukulele pals in a festival. Should be fun!

The bad news...

So I got my BW results.  No good.  We will not make it in time for our FET scheduled for June. I'm not surprised but according to my numbers, I am a few weeks (just as I thought) away from starting. Ugh.  I just arrived home a bit ago from dinner with my lovely mother-in-law.  I haven't had a good cry yet, just a few moments with my MIL but that was it.  Since I already "knew" the answer...I have had some time for it to settle in already. Still frustrates the hell out of me. Seriously....body just do your damn job!

It still makes me mad at myself. I really think in the back of my head I knew this could happen.  That my long ass cycles would happen again....I did not think about it being so late it would mean rescheduling our FET.  Lesson learned.  So today I hear that if you do a FET, you can be on BCP's for longer.  So I am starting them whenever I start AF so it doesn't screw this up again.  Why did I not go on them in March?!?....this wouldn't be happening right now...

Did I mention the next IVF cycle won't be until the July/August rounds due to lab closures? Which probably means August and back to the stress time.  Maybe they will be flexible for me like last time so I can do it before school really gets started.

I'm feeling unsure of what to do.  We had stopped any further adoption papers since our transfer was coming up so soon. Now I feel like it's far away again and I am feeling the time slip by.  My husband has already left to play his hockey game.  No conversations tonight. So it's just me and my zoo crew in the meantime. 

Time for a hot, hot shower and then I am planning on starting and finishing a blanket for my friend's daughter (hah, we'll see, I should go to bed now...nah..too early!).  Her adoption was finalized last week and I didn't make time to do it before then.  It should keep me busy for about two hours or so...

On a side note...my left eye has been twitching...underneath in my "bag" on and off this week....I was once told it was stress.  hmmmmm...must be true.  

Some (not so promising) news..

After canceling my last IVF in November and finally deciding I was ready to proceed with the madness again we set up our FET for June. After school is over (stress right?). I have been feeling excited and anxious and have been trying to mentally prepare myself for what's to come. This is it.  We can't afford to do more.  We were so lucky to get three embryos out of our first IVF last August.  It boils down to $ for a big fat maybe with more IVF or an eventual someday with adoption.  I said before our goal is to have a family and adoption is definitely an option.  However, even swallowing that bit of truth hurts.  I have a twin and how neat would it be to see what our kids would look like. Would they look like siblings? or completely different? We may never find out.  My twin is my only blood connection I have and it stinks we may not have that family tie. Why does this infertility shit have to be so bloody expensive?? And why can't I win the lottery (even a small one--I'd happily accept!!!)

But I digress...last night as I sat worrying about our upcoming transfer I decided to check in with my RE nurse.  Of course my body hates me and I haven't been visited by AF since March.  I knew I should have gone on BCPs in March.  UGHHH.  So my nurse tells me to go get blood work to test my E2/P4 levels to see where I'm at in my cycle.  If I don't start by Tuesday we have to reschedule my FET for July/August because the clinic will be having a lab closure for summer.  And of course the one, reliable thing my body does is breast tenderness.  Always... about 1.5-2+ weeks before my stinkin' period.  And of course this only just began about two or three days ago.  I hate to be Negative Nancy but I am not very hopeful we will be able to do our transfer.  Why does it feel like things just can't fucking work on their own!!? I am sick of my irregular cycles. And the fact I knew I should have gone on BCPs to help regulate my March cycle makes me furious.  Way to advocate for myself.

In the meantime I should try to remain positive (yeah right)...maybe my blood work will prove me wrong and I am just a few days away from beginning.  I tell my kids my favorite word is patience.  Guess I need to practice what I preach and stop being so glum.  I'm just really frustrated and tired of waiting.

Another holiday survived...

Considering I didn't even realize it was Easter until this past Tuesday I think I did pretty good this Easter.  I had a mini (very mini) cry at my sister's last night because I would love to dye eggs with my kids at some point in the near future.  On happier news, my little niece has now officially included me in her new list of words..I am her third word....and I am VERY proud of this little know fact. Auntie! I love it!

I saw two movies this weekend (both late) Rio and Water for Elephants. I liked them both.  I also slept in very, very late today (I won't even bother saying the time..) and loved that too.  I guess the childless side of me loves that still...staying out late and sleeping in. I talked to my sister about it this morning because her schedule used to mirror mine. But her role has changed and I know she wouldn't change it for the world.  I hope I can have that role someday too.

So the responsible me needs to go to bed as it is a school night. Tomorrow I will hunt for Cad.bury eggs on sale...yum.

Friday night

Hooray for the weekend! I hope yours is off to a great start! ;0)

Tonight I am niece-sitting my two adorable nieces (3 and 10 months) while my sis and hubby go on a date to dinner and Water for Elephants.  I was able to visit with my little niece briefly before my sister put her to bed.  I hung out with my older niece the rest of the night.  She is suuuuper whiny right now and I was thinking it would be a long night.  Nope, she was great....we attempted a new play dough recipe which totally didn't work (oops) but we had fun with the goop.  This kills me because I love making homemade play dough and am always bummed when I don't have my recipes at my twin's house (didn't look too hard through her recipe box for the card I made). Oh well, we had fun smearing pink goop on each other anyways..hehe.  Then we colored on coffee filters before bed.  I love spending time with her.  She is amazing and I love listening to her talk and make awesome connections all the time. 

I love having no pressure to do school stuff right now as it's Friday. woohoo.  Looking at all these amazing blogs is way more stupendous (word of the day in my classroom!)

On a side note I am hungry (again!!). I think feeling sick earlier this week and not eating is catching up to me (or that is my excuse).  I'm trying to think of everything I have wolfed down today and am horrified. I'll make a list.  Here is what I have eaten today:

• I don't usually eat breakfast but had some of my coffee in the car and then left my cup (damn it!) in the car.
• ate a handful of pretzels at recess and a beautifully decorated hard boiled egg from a student in another class
• lunch consisted of turkey sandwich, an apple and a few pieces of broccoli and jicima
• granola bar after school
• seared ahi salad and two drinks at happy hour
• mixed veggies and a half bowl of soup about 2 hours later
• the rest of my niece's chicken noodle soup
• OH MY! This is a lot for me and each time I have been starving...kinda like now.  wth?

mmmmmmm....movie popcorn.......yummmm-o. Hope they save some for me. It's true, I am a popcornaholic.

First time with ICLW!

I'm very new to this blogging business but I must say I am thoroughly enjoying it...and enjoying reading others in similar sticky spots and situations.....and as awful as it is, it's nice to know you aren't alone.  It's nice to read about success in the face of failure too.  Gives me some sign that there is hope.  I signed up for ICLW to make sure I am actually commenting, not just reading the bazillion blogs out there.

So if you are here...welcome to my blog!  I am getting closer to my 2nd IVF in June.  I am a Kindergarten teacher and it makes most sense for me (physically and emotionally) to wait for school to be over. 

Here are three reasons why I love teaching Kindergarten:

1. Some of my kiddos lean on me when I help them. ...lean their heads on my arm. Love it that they aren't afraid to be loving.
2. If you ever need a confidence boost come to a kindergarten classroom.  I have one student who asks me several times a week to "guess" who the best teacher in the world is....can you guess who?? (It's me btw..)  They love everything about you. Seriously.  Your socks, shirt, shoes, earring, necklace, sticker on your shirt...you name it! And they tell you!  (They will also tell you that you have a big fat zit on your face--this has happened..thank you Luke...)
3. I love the learning that takes place in the short time I am with them...simply amazing what their little brains soak up!!  I especially love the writing! See below... (try to read his ear spelling [aka phonetic writing])

Here is the number one reason which leads me to want to rip out all my hair and sometimes really, really dislike my job:  PARENTS.

not all parents mind you.  Ironic that I want to be one....a good one of course. It's not to say that I have "bad" parents....just parents who have picked up on some bad habits....and need a slap across the head because they are not doing their child any favor! (take a breath...done with mini rant). Not that I won't make fantastic mistakes but I hope that after all my time around kids and parents I will pick up on some good habits and role models.

Good night! I hope to connect with more of you!

A quick update before bed...

I had an amazing time at Coachella!! It's a three day music music and arts festival.  I went with two of my best gals. Super hot weather though...oy!  I had my fill of porta potties (gag!) and thank goodness for the portable showers.  Only got one migraine our first night camping and felt sick from the heat on and off (I think we all did).  So much fun...such great music and met lots of neat people.  I was super excited to see Mumford & Sons but missed most of their set since I was feeling really sick and was visiting one of the lovely porta potties. Bummer! Saw an incredible set with Arcade Fire..they had giant light up beach balls that dropped from a huge container above the stage. So amazing!  Check it out...not my video...we were way off to the side..not in the middle of all the craziness!  My camera is acting funny so I'll post a picture of me with one of the balls later.

I can't seem to shake this crummy feeling.  I have felt yucky since Sunday night when we came home.  I told my husband my stomach felt like I was having OHSS again.  ouch. Went to work on Monday and felt nauseous at lunch and then felt queasy the last hour at school. My co-worker actually asked me if I thought I was pregnant.  Ummmm, I highly doubt it. Came home, slept and still felt gross.  I ended up calling in a sub today because I knew I wouldn't be able to hack it.  Slept most of today and still have a gross feeling. I did however take a HPT since I worried that I actually could possibly be and I partied this weekend. Not that I was surprised with the results but for whatever reason feel better with the answer this time.  That's a first but I would feel crazy guilty if it were positive.

I did pull myself together this evening to join my oldest best friend in celebrating the finalization of her baby's adoption.  So exciting!  What an amazing journey they have made.  And although her and I chose different paths with our (in)fertility, I am happy to share her journey with her amazing family. =0)

Oh and just got my car back this morning from the shop....all fixed! Hooray! And the awesome hubby cleaned it all out too. woohoo!

Hope your week is going great!

Fan-freaking-tastic!

Here I was on my way to my friend's "congratulations you're going to have a baby boy lunch!"  Walked past the landscaping van and then completely forgot it was there a minute and a half later.  Shitty end result:

Really??? Yes, really.  I can't believe my own stupidity.  In my only defense that the van was parked in a red zone....but it was still my fault.  Ugh. I have cried over this too many times today. I'm so pissed at myself...never been in an accident (nor have I gotten a ticket) and I am quite anal about my car's exterior (although you would never know by looking inside..).  I bought this Prius used in August after my husband and I frantically tried cutting back on everything to save money to pay for our IVF. I had a brand spanking new VW Tiguan before.  Bought it because I was done carting my niece and all her stuff around in my VW Golf and we thought it would be perfect since we were going to start TTC.  Little did we know....

I completely ruined my whole day and I just now finished packing a bit ago (because I am the queen of procrastination, accident aside).  Off to Coachella in just about 6 hours. Time to try to sleep. 

Monday Musings

I am awaiting a text from a friend this afternoon.  I mentioned her in an earlier post....and I am hoping things are on their way to getting back to normal or at least more comfortable..I miss her as one of my "best" friends and am upset this has caused such an upset.  She will be sending a mass text to let everyone know what the sex of her baby is after their appointment.  I must say, at the moment, I am excited to find out. =0) But, I also know I will probably shed a few tears later on as well.


I find it funny she and her boyfriend got pregnant on birth control and ironic that I have never in my whole life been on BCPs except when TTC!!!!!  Go figure!!  In the beginning I would hear people tell me, oh well you know it takes your body awhile to go back to normal after being on BC.  I always said I was never on them.  People always have advice, how kind of them.

My sister (who is also my dear twinnie) only had one month of disappointment when trying for her second before getting pregnant after coming off her BC.   I think I should go on BCPs and then come off of them for awhile...maybe we just did it wrong to begin with.

One more side note...yesterday my sis and I had a Pampered Chef party. Fun! I found out one of the guests works at a fertility clinic as a phlebotomist.  I listened when she told me of all the patients who want to show her their bruised stomachs and then stopped listening when she said something about "going on a trip" and "to just relax". Deep sigh.

So just waiting. Maybe I will go get busy and make some blankets and that baby cover for the car seat for my sister.  It seems the last of my sewing projects have all been baby things because I can't seem to dedicate the time for quilting.   I love making baby gifts and hope I can make some for my own kids someday.  Or maybe I won't have time for that hobby because I'll be too wrapped up in motherhood.  And I think (right now) I would be okay with that.

Spring Break

My Spring break is here and I am excited.  Off to Coachella in just a few days and celebrating my husband's birthday today and tomorrow.  Today was spent sleeping in (yes!), cleaning house and miscellaneous work stuff.  I'm currently still in my pajamas and about to shower and run some errands before the family birthday dinner.

Putting away some papers and looked at my calendar for our next IVF.  Crazy it will be here before I know it.  I'm anxious to start my next cycle and go on BCP so I can have a better idea of when all the craziness begins.  My cycles were always loooong and since our first IVF they have been seriously screwed up.  I had one in December and didn't have one til the middle of February.  So even though I was supposed to start BCP in May, I will be starting on my next cycle to help regulate.  I'm relieved to know I will have less blood draws and ultrasounds since I will still be in school.  As it is, I will still have to take some days off or at least a half day since my clinic is about 40 minutes away from school.  That stinks in itself to have to use my time but I know it will be all worth it if this works.

I'm starting to stress about the money factor again.  Deposit has been made but we will still need to pay for all of it soon and my husband's car's transmission went yucky last week. Boo on the great timing.

Sigh...off to my hot shower. Time to celebrate a birthday!


Happy Weekend!

An afternoon date

Today I had a date with my best girls.  After school we went and had a beer, ate chips and salsa and had manicures or pedicures.  I had a beer last very late last night (12:30..oops!) to celebrate with my husband's hockey team--hooray for championships and winning!  I must say it tasted very good.  I remember when I couldn't stand the taste... 

I also remembering holding back and not enjoying a drink because I "could be" pregnant.  Unless I have just spent a good chunk of money on my upcoming IVF, I will not hold back.  If it just so happens one of these days that I become pregnant the all natural way then I will simply join the ranks of lots of people who enjoy a drink or two before they knew they were expecting.  I am responsible, but right now I am trying to be realistic and enjoy what I can.

So for now, I will savor the taste of beer because I someday soon will no longer be able to have some.  There's some positive thinking for you! :0) Next week, I am off to Coachella, a three day concert festival.  I am guessing there will be some drinks while there.  Hooray for spring break...it's almost here!

Planning Day

I have been working really hard the last few weeks on report cards and conferences.  This week I am meeting with the last of my families but am almost through.  I have had much to focus my energy on the last few weeks.  Today my grade level team had a planning day.  One of my team members is pregnant (and do I dare mention they weren't even "trying:...apparently she was on birth control!) and we spent most of the day together.  I am glad we won't be having another one of these because I barely made it through the day.  Sitting in a small room with a pregnant woman is no bueno.

Despite the fact that I may have lost one of my "best" friends over my "reaction" to her pregnancy, I don't feel I have done anything too cruel...honesty is the best policy.  Right?  Maybe not.  I thought telling her several weeks ago that I am truly happy for her and her boyfriend but showing it in the "right" way is hard for me right now would help.  (I take it back, very hard.)  I think our conversation has only made things more awkward.  Please understand why I can't ask how you are feeling out of the blue but I am trying my best to show my interest in your baby.

So after several hours of baby comments here and there (which I know she has every right to say and do) I barely made it through lunch.  Started crying and quickly wiped away my tears before she could see.  This sucks.

Saw my good friend tonight who works with an old co-worker of mine.  I guess she asked about me today and was wondering if I was pregnant yet.  (When I worked with her, we were just getting to the point where we were beginning to wonder if there was something going on...)  I wish I had some grand exciting news to share.  Why does it seem like everyone else does?