Sad News

Got the call at 11:30 this morning. Our FET didn't work.  I'm soooo disappointed but at the same time I feel like I knew it was coming. Or maybe it's just that since we've never had a BFP  I'm becoming numb to it all.  I feel more angry at the moment than anything. Why didn't it work? Why can't it be our turn? What the hell is wrong with my body?????? My heart hurts.

Right now I have little hope for our last three embryos since they are the bottom of our barrel.  I know I shouldn't say that but it's the complete truth. I am also unsure if I actually want to pursue another transfer.  This feeling came out today and surprised me. I was so elated when I found out we had another chance. And now I'm so drained, emotionally and physically, I don't know what I want. ... and I'm not even working right now! Our next one would be around August right at the beginning of my stressful time..the start of another school year. We will have to see what thoughts the next month brings.  I am hoping to meet with our RE before the end of the month. Maybe he has some answers.....

Just as planned we did take one step closer to our adoption. We went and had our fingerprinting done. It actually helped me feel a little better. 

xoxo, Kelli

Just a few hours til it's Beta...

Well, it's practically here. Today we will find out if this was it.  I am so glad the last few days have been busy and thank you all for your sweet comments.  We are home from a great trip to DL (just what we both needed!!). Once we were there we were literally worry free.  It was perfect!!  We had some great conversation on the ride down about what we would do if we are indeed pregnant and what we would do if we aren't. Our five year anniversary is next month and I want to go on some kind of trip. (Although I came home to jury summons the day before our anniversary~boo!) I am still hoping this is it, but we just don't know. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and trying not to be negative Nancy at the same time.  Thinking positive thoughts, I sooo want this to work!!

I'm off to bed with the hopes of falling asleep quickly and the world's best possible blood draw in the morning.

The BEST distraction of them all...

......D.ISNEYL.AND!!! 

I decided that hubby and I should go to DL Monday and part of Tuesday.  Hubby said why not and is fully supporting anything to keep my mind off of this coming Wednesday. I am super excited....new rides (Little Mermaid and new Star Tours).  We have annual passports so we go quite often. It is my happy place. Hubby proposed to me in front of the castle and we had a DL hinted throughout our wedding. ahh...my happy place.

wheeeee!

I am feeling soooo anxious.  I would love to POAS but I know I would be a disaster til Wednesday. But there's a part of me that wants that proof. What if it is a BFP??! My twinnie says then POAS after...well, yes, but it's just not the same feeling.  I have never seen two pink lines..Wouldn't it be grand to have that experience? I think my fear is holding me back. I can crumble on Wednesday if need be. I still have 2.5 more days to have positive feelings. Twinnie says she has a good feeling about this. I hope she's right!!   Still kinda crampy, boobs hurt (but have been sore the past two months it seems!) and I don't know what else. Kinda hungry but with this diet from my acupuncturist, I am not surprised. I am trying to be good about it. It's tricky...no carbs after 5...I don't usually eat til 7!! And I live off of white rice....it's such a comfort food. I could eat it everyday.

Our Father's Day dinner turned out superb!! Hubby made yumyum salmon and I made a pasta/green bean salad (yum-if I do say so!), brown/wild rice, and green salad.  Everyone enjoyed...it was great.  I have fun seeing my Dad and his wife interact with my nieces.....can't wait for it to be my pride and joy with them.  Hopefully sooner than later!!

Butt is looking and feeling even better today.  I can now walk up my stairs without pulling myself up by the rail....hooray!! Still sore and getting itchy (healing right??) but I am so, so thankful.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for all of you...especially to all of you on your TWW.  xoxox

Feelings..

My poor butt is beginning to heal.... Thank GOD!  The big bumps have begun to go down and it's just looking like one massive blob with a bruise-y hue. I am still sore but sooo much less than earlier this week.  New injections are going okay. I have a bruise and moved spots to my new circle on my left side so I wouldn't have to poke it.  Last night's injection didn't hurt so bad, but then I worried because I thought it couldn't have been right since it didn't hurt. I guess I can't be satisfied either way!!

I am starting to feel emotional about the outcome of all this. I had very weird dreams this morning.  One involved a woman shooting pencil lead through a mechanical pencil at me....all because she couldn't afford bcps.  So I gave her mine.  Then I dreamed I was standing in front of a big building and a parent from this year's class asked if I was pregnant. I said, yes (?!?!?!) and she said she was too!

So of course I have to wonder about those dreams.  I often don't even remember dreams...but obviously, I have baby on the mind.  I have been feeling on and off crampy the last day or so and I'm not sure I like that. But we shall see.  Hubby and I agreed we won't do any POAS since I have 4 more days til beta and it's just going to make me a nutcase.  Had a mini meltdown tonight after PIO....because it sucks and if this doesn't work all of this was for nothing.

So we went to see Super 8...I was a little nervous because I thought it would be too suspenseful for me (I don't particularly like scary movies) but it was the perfect distraction and I liked it! Just the right amount of suspense for me. 

Tomorrow we are hosting Father's Day for my Dad since last weekend we couldn't spend it with my sister and her fam.  So, I'm off to look for some yummy recipes.  Hope you all have a great Sunday!

The last few days...

Thank you for all your nice and encouraging comments the last few days.  I have spent the last few days with our dear friend Noriko who is visiting from Japan. We figured out she was here in 1992...so I was 12!! Yikes...time flies and it was sooo great to see and visit with her again in person. Tuesday and Wednesday were spent local and just visiting with family. (Acupuncture on Wednesday too) Yesterday we went to Pier 39 and had to say goodbye last night as she has to work the rest of her stay here.   So fun....!

My twinnie, Noriko and me!

Here is what has completely sucked this week:

(Allergic) reaction....again [this is my left hip...forgot to turn the pic...]

 Did I mention I hate PIO injections?? So not that anyone wants to see my butt... but I know you all can understand this nonsense.  I couldn't remember last time if there were red spots during injections..I don't think so. I did however, have an allergic reaction to the cottonseed oil a month after PIO injections last time and got a really yucky rash. This time they switched me to olive oil.  Redness started late last week.  Started getting really, really sore over the weekend.   Some on my right side mostly on my left.  What's up with the left side hurting so much more for injections??!? I've been told and read that some of you have the same problem! hmm.

Anyways, while we were at lunch on Wednesday I decided to stop by the doctor's office since it was practically next door just to see.  I was thinking maybe I was overreacting because I don't have a high tolerance to pain. But as I was (and still am) tired of sleeping on my belly, I thought I would just see what they thought.  My IVF nurse wasn't there, but the nurse (Pat~super nice) who helped with my FET on Monday was.  She took a look and thought I was having some kind of reaction and she would see if my dr. was still there. I got called back in since she said "my butt was causing quite the stir" and not only was my dr. there but another nurse (who I love!). To make a long story short my PIO injections have been switched to sesame seed oil since they think I am having a reaction to the olive oil.  They also drew me some new spots on my hips so I wouldn't have to add to the damage at the old sites.  I was so very thankful for that. Also I was so very thankful that Pat gave me a brand new box of sesame PIO. She said she felt sorry for me since we have already paid for the others (My dr. was going to have me go pick some up at the pharmacy).  I've done two of the new PIO...using the bigger needles (I had a few 1" ones left from last time) and so far so good.  The sesame oil is much thicker than the olive oil but if my body decides it likes it better, I'm game.

hehe...one of my new spots...Pat drew a face. "Speak nor poke no evil!"

After this, we went to Ta.rget where I did much sitting in the summer table section.  I also went out to the car while they shopped some more. Noriko loved the fact we sell flavored coffee...I guess they only sell plain in Japan. So they wandered for a long while.  I am having some trouble walking...too sore. It got worse the rest of the night and I am hopeful it goes away soon. I seem to be okay in the morning and feel crippled by late evening/night. Heating pads are my best friends right now. The redness seems to not be as puffy and I am hopeful the oil starts soaking in or whatnot..I know it takes awhile. So today I have done lots of resting and watched One Fine Day.  Love that movie!

I have another acupuncture appointment Saturday.  I think Moxa might be a new favorite thing. =0)

Off to read and comment on your blogs. Hugs!!

FET complete and the wait begins!! Oh and Happy ICLW Week..!

Yesterday was our FET. I must say the whole day went really well and I felt really relaxed....or maybe it was the vali.um....  Either way I am hopeful this will be the one and I can move forward with my life.  I felt anxious Sunday night but felt good Monday.  Went to acupuncture appointment pre FET and that went well. I wasn't even nervous which really surprised me.  Transfer was at 11:30.  I was worried about having a full bladder since last time it wasn't as full as it should have been, so I drank lots of water. This time doc made me pee twice to lessen the load and it was still on the full side! I was relieved to know two of of little frostie babies survived the thaw and we still have three left.  They weren't 100% (one was 90% and the other 80%) but it sounds as though this is still perfectly okay. After transfer went back to acupuncture and received a post session along with Moxi. (a little lighted stick of mugwort~sounds Harry Potterish to me!~that heats points on your skin. Interesting. It's supposed to help with implantation.  The rest of the day was spent dozing and relaxing. Hubby cleaned house, cooked dinner and took care of me.  He is the best!!

Today a very old friend flies in from Japan. She was an old foreign exchange student we have kept in close contact with all these years, I was about 10 when I saw her last.  She wrote me last month saying she was coming here for work.  This has been my only beef with this transfer.  I know I am not supposed to do much and just take it easy and I will.  I will have plenty of time to visit with her until she leaves to join her co-workers on Thursday night.  I am planning on riding up to pick her up from the airport. I wouldn't miss that for anything! I think plans today are light, lunch with my mom and dinner with my dad (who are divorced since she has come) as she wants to see them too.  As far as I am concerned this isn't overexertion. 

Now that school is over I hope to be a much more active participant in June's ICLW. I am hoping you all will help get me through next Wednesday when we find out if this cycle worked.  I truly hope it is.

Hugs to all of you!

Acupuncture consult...

Today we went to a birthday picnic for a friend and then to our acupuncture consult.  The dr was running a bit behind but I really liked him.  He even "poked" both of us with a needle so I could know what to expect.  He said mosquito bite and I kinda agree.  Not bad!! I felt immediately relieved. Although I felt like I had made a bunch of mistakes with what I have been eating and kinda feel guilty of my diet or lack there of.   We aren't unhealthy by any means but there are definitely going to be some changes. For instance I had iced green tea this afternoon. So I am now going to try to follow a much healthier diet....well low carbs and includes no dairy, no cold anything (even salad) and no raw anything (such as veggies).  I have only had to go on diets when I had the oh so lovely OHSS twice before. I am willing to do it...if it will help then I'm game. He gave me a big list of do's and don'ts and hubby and I are going to go shopping tomorrow evening. Yay, that hubby is so willing to do whatever he needs to help me out...including diet change! And he is happy since the Dr said increase red meat which I really don't eat of lot of.  So my ice cream reward for my PIO injections are a thing of the past. I am actually secretly glad this happened....I have gained quite a bit of weight with all this med and whatever else so I am hopeful it could help with that too.  I am really hopeful acupuncture will be a big help. We will do a pre and post session on Monday with our transfer and go from there.

Tomorrow we are going to the A's vs the Giants baseball game with my family. Should be fun....and we have box seats. With food (we shall see what I can eat!) I am glad this weekend has been busy, it is helping to keep my mind busy. I am starting to worry a bit about Monday. I am hopeful that our 2 frosties will make it out of thaw and we will still have 3 left for another time.

Hubby and I went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 tonight. I loved it and I cried more than once. What a nice way to end the night.

Waffles, keys and a cheese danish.

Made a waffle breakfast for my FIL this morning. I joked at how nice he was to suggest 7:30 when I suggested 7:00.  It was fun and something I never do on a weekday. yum.

Off to school for the LAST time this school year. Finished up, turned in my key and said "adios"...see you in August.  I actually feel really good about leaving. Lots of organizing and cleaning.  This is probably the most "ready for August" my room has ever been. That feels really good.  I think having a goal of "let's be done before the transfer" was a huge motivating factor. 

Then off to lunch with my dear Auntie. Although it ended up being a snack since neither of us were that hungry. So cheese danish it was. double yum.  She is such a lovely lady and I have shared with her our struggle and journey with IF.  She has two sons and she and I have gone out more the last few years. It's nice to have time with her. She tries her best to understand everything as her friend's daughter struggled with IF too.  It's nice for me to be able to tell someone in the family who won't spread it around.

Home now and I feel a sense of relief. I am mentally getting ready for Monday.  Our FET is almost here! I'm nervous about the outcome but I am really trying to think how this could be IT.  I truly hope so. But I also know we have another chance.  Wouldn't it be nice if I could just save those little boogers for the next rainy day?!

On an ending note, I have watched Mary Poppins twice in the last two days while working in my classroom. One of my favorite movies as a kid.  I wanted to watch it after seeing the finale float in the new Disn.eyland parade~a tribute to the movie. (and totally awesome!!)  I realized there are quite a bit of clever quotes...I really liked this one: "That's a pie crust promise. Easily made, easily broken."

Hope you all have a great Friday night! Let the weekend begin.

Ahhh (the relaxing & not so relaxing)...

We had such a great time camping and playing around in the Big Sur River.  There was a lot more water than the last time I was there. We were able to hike in about halfway or so to the waterfalls. Hubby even went after my friend's flip flop that was rushed down the river!!  Good friends and camping....must do more of it!  Here are a few pictures from the trip:

Came back Tuesday to the first PIO of this round.  I have mentioned before I have a huge fear of needles and put that together with world's biggest wimp and you have a really bad combo.  Thanks to E at Dreaming of Babies I got a few new tips to try to make them a little easier. =0)

That being said, it took me over 30 minutes to get psyched for the poke and then hyperventilated afterwards! I have never had that happen....kinda scary!  I always get really worked up for the first one and then it gradually gets better. I can't say the PIO ones do..those needles freak me out! I shiver just thinking about them. I still vividly remember the nurse demonstrating the PIO needle in a demo skin thing (?).  I was so embarrassed because I started crying when I saw the needle. Funny, I don't remember my backside feeling so sore.  I hope it gets better or maybe I'll get a little more used to it! 

Set up to meet with an acupuncturist who I was referred to from another clinic. That will be on Saturday. I'm nervous and realize that other people do this months in advance. But as I am desperate for this to work, I am willing to try it. *Think...tiny, tiny, needles..* ahh!  In the meantime I am going to finish up in my classroom.  The goal is to be done tomorrow or possibly Friday morning. I was there for about 5 hours today and was really productive. That feels good. =0)

I made it!

Last day of school on Friday....check!  And...got great news at my appointment in the morning so we will proceed with our FET on the 20th!!! yay!! I was so nervous...my doc even noticed.  His words.."that's a good looking uterus!"  So I now have my new "ink" again and it's countdown time.

Had fun at my niece's first birthday party. She's so adorable and figured out how to climb the couch with the help of the nursing stool! and did it over and over and over!
Only mishap of the day...finding out when my BIL's baby is coming....January.  ugh....their first baby is only 6 months old.........khdaslhdsajdhjdj!  I had to actually leave the room yesterday so I wouldn't start crying in front of people. So upsetting. oh well. I need to get over it.  And then I felt like a beer so I did....which I just remembered this morning after 2 rounds of migraine med, why I got such a bad migraine last night.  This med and alcohol don't mix. Let's just hope it will be my last drink for a looong time...maybe like 10 months or so!! =0)

Found out one of my co-workers is pregnant....she just got married in February and they weren't trying! Really...how do people manage to get pregnant??!?? I'd love to know the secret!

I'm off to go camping tomorrow for an overnight trip.  Should be lots of fun!  PIO and suppositories start Tuesday.  I am NOT looking forward to this at all. I just have to remember I can do this and it will be all worth it in the end!!

My crazy idea becomes an idea..

welp....finally got a hold of a nurse in the office today. Apparently my IVF nurse is out today (and I think yesterday). My trip to Japan and Korea is a no go due to timing....what a shocker.  Found out the date of our beta #1....should be the 29th. Which is exciting...as it dawned on me the other day it would be earlier than the 4th with a FET.  Which means our second one would be on the 5th due to holiday.  Which means we can't travel because hubby needs to be back so he can fly to New Jersey on the 18th.  I refuse to spend thousands to fly over there to be there for just over a week.  Another time maybe.

It's all about the timing and what makes me a smidgen upset that it is again all for a maybe.  If our FET works (crossing fingers) I will be so happy. If it doesn't..well I am sure I will be a little upset. Well, maybe more than a little.....  So time for another idea.  Our 5 year anniversary is at the end of the month and hubby will be getting super busy by then.  Did I ever mention he works a seasonal job....owning and operating Halloween stores? I have a love/hate relationship with it.

I am happy to find out some dates.  And I have three days of school left and actually am feeling less overwhelmed than normal at the moment.  I have had lots of help from hubby and my step mom helped today.  That was super.  Off to do so more work.  I have report cards to finish!

A very crazy idea...

I got a crazy idea earlier this week.

I have been talking about going back to Korea for quite sometime now. I always said not to find my birthparents..but that could possibly change!  With the help of our friendly Korean alterations friends they have helped us with some websites to help locate our birth parents or at least mom.  So I am looking into that, which is thrilling on its own.

But back at their shop on Monday I got the crazy idea to go to Korea this summer!! (uhhh..in a few weeks....crazy I say!) And since I am over there, I also want to go visit Japan. My Dad's family is from there and I have an old friend who lives there. She is coming here for the first time on the 21st since coming as a foreign exchange student about 20 years ago, which is how we met...host family.

So I have been up for a few hours and am researching trip stuff.  It's expensive but as I told hubby..we will never have this money as an extra, so why not go now? Along with everything else, I put things off for whatever reason (money, time, starting a family soon {hah}) and I think I am done with that. Life isn't worth living if you don't try these things.  I also thought it could help if we do have to travel to Korea for an adoption. And it will help me explore my Korean heritage which I sadly have little connection with.  I have a fear of flying (worse than my fear of needles) and I have already questioned what will I do if I do become pregnant and I can't have any major drugs to conk me out on the plane??

Is this too crazy??..should I wait til next summer (we would have time to plan and save)? would it be too risky to travel so far if our FET does work? what if it doesn't? will I just regret going? what if we do and then something goes wrong with our possible pregnancy? I'm torn and still thinking about this crazy idea. 

I'm excited and hubby is game for it too. ahhh...decisions, decisions...

Countdown...

so that friend I mentioned before is causing me stress. Stress because I still feel for some reason like I need to fix things....but the friendships she shared with my two other friends has apparently ended.  They both "hate" her.  I don't think I hate her but it feels like one of those awkward you're in the middle.  Why am I dealing with middle school drama in my early thirties?!

Hubby came up with a plan....and I think I like it! Our FET is scheduled for the 20th...which means our TWW would end around the 4th of July (why always around holidays???!).  The idea is we wait on any of the adoption stuff until then.  If it doesn't work we will start and I know it might be good for me....give me something to focus my energy and emotions on. In the meantime, I can certainly start some of the paperwork....but just not pay for it.  As always...trying to be hopeful and realistic.  This truly is our back up plan but it feels good to have one.  Our lab is closed for the summer and I have yet to ask about going to a different one.  We shall see what I accomplish next week.

5 more days of school....one being a field trip, one field day and one the last day (and our last US before FET).  I have a TON of stuff to do and am hoping to get a chunk done over the weekend.

Good news....my antibiotics seem to be helping a bit.  I'm still coughing but I think I sound better. I have not screwed up on my meds since Tuesday and I hope it continues. I am paranoid I will screw up on my IF meds and then will forever blame that mishap for the failure of our FET (if it does). I guess what I should be saying is...I'm doing so good on my meds it's going to work this time!!

Happy, happy weekend!!

7 more days of school....

....and then I might just be able to get my butt back on here.  I miss looking at all your stories and updates.

I am thrilled that June is finally here.  It seems like we have been preparing for this FET forever!!!  We just had our baseline US yesterday and everything was good to go.  I am hoping my lining is nice and thick on the 10th.  I am missing a chunk of the last day of kindergarten this year to make this appointment (obviously wouldn't miss it!!) but it still makes me a bit sad.  I hope it's good news...I can't wait for it any longer, I will be bummed if we have to cancel.

Estrogen priming began today and I also added antibiotics yesterday for a gnarly sinus infection I've been cooking for a few weeks.  I am seriously taking so many pills right now....I already screwed up on my antibiotics...fantastic!  Added a sticky note to my FET calendar.  Hope that helps.

Went away this weekend to Disneyl.and.  Hubby and I took my older niece (3.5) who also has an annual pass.  What a blast...and just what I needed.  This school year has been busy and the last few weeks have gotten progressively crazier!

New ukulele song...sits completely untouched.  Boy, I cannot wait for summer!!  Our weather here is so bizarre....rain today....it is June right? Heaters should not be on in houses in June.  =0)

Off to bed...long day tomorrow. Night!